Incognito

We’ve all heard it before. You’re lying in bed in a full body cast and pouring your heart out to a friend. Just three days before you were laid off from your job when on your way home your failed attempt to avoid hitting an animal renders your car totaled, your pelvis shattered and to top it all off the animal you still managed to mow down was your beloved pet. At times like this there are no words. All you need is the presence of a loved one when you hear it… “I’m sure this is just a blessing in disguise.” "Really?" you ask. "A blessing? You do realize that the narcotics I have to take to ease the pain cause me to poop rock hard turds through a hole in my cast. Well please by all means cancel my order. We’re all full up on blessings here."

You then hesitate to bring up your dear friend’s husband’s infidelity or her Rheumatoid Arthritis but against your better judgment you do it anyway. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Of course, all of these things are blessings in disguise. Blessings have just gotten really good at disguising themselves lately. Let’s see. Bunion on left foot- blessing. Dyslexia- blessing. Diarrhea, crapping my pants, having a two week long period. Blessing, blessing, blessing.

So I guess the common thread in all of these situations is that our loved ones don’t always know how to react or just what to say when people they care for are hurting. When a loved one is hurting sometimes there are no words and the best thing you can do is just be a presence…a silent presence. It will speak volumes.

Otherwise, the next time you see a strange man lurking outside your window wearing an overly elaborate mustache, an ostentatious wig and brandishing a crowbar think twice before calling the police. That may just be your next blessing.

Addiction

Alone I lie in the dark.
Bold face I lie to my friends.
I am suffocating.
Each day my breath grows weaker.
You sit in judgement on your ivory tower.

Who do you think you are, Afrin?
With your magic breathing potion and
promises of not causing dependency if used for less than 72 hours.
I hate you
But then my nose begins to whistle and
I love you again.



My nose candy

In the Begining...

Oh snap! I picked up this little gem from awkwardfamilyphotos.com.

Okay, I get the whole Adam and Eve reference and you might even call it poetic, in a hillbilly sort of fashion. However, I think the most off putting aspect for me is, not Bubba’s hand placement, but the fact that if Adam and Eve wore anything in the Garden of Eden it would have definitely been Lee denim.

And speaking of temptation, my index finger is having quite and affinity for my esophagus right about now.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news is…it’s bathing suit season. The good news is…you can stop doing crunches. I have, aside from the little move it takes to sit up out of bed (in which case I do three or four a day).



Allow me to introduce “Wholesome Wear,” a line of modest yet stylish swimwear endorsed by Discovery Health Channel’s the Duggar Family.

Who in a million years would’ve guessed that this family of twenty, living in a compound and dressing like good times at the FLDS prom, would have a flare for such trend setting duds? I have learned my lesson. Never judge a book by its cover.

If your faith requires you to wear this type of bathing suit then swimming should be against your religion