Bump Off

My son, Luke, had just returned from a weeklong stay with his grandparents and he, Brantley and I were going out as a family. We decided to stop at a local restaurant for dinner and some live music. In addition to getting my boy back, I was rocking a new outfit and debuting my “Bumpits.” It was going to be a good night.

For those of you who don’t know, Bumpits is an “As seen on TV” plastic contraption that you put in your hair for extra volume. I had been skeptical at first, but the southern girl in me had to try it. It came as a set of three Bumpits- small, medium and large, depending on the size of the desired bump. After trying all three, I decided on the smallest one. The two larger ones created hair far bigger than I would ever need and would only be suitable at a country prom or perhaps a “really nice” car race.

So there I was enjoying some music and food with my family and chatting with acquaintances sitting nearby. In addition to rocking a new outfit and a stellar bump, I was being especially witty. I was throwing out one-liners left and right and people were cracking up. I was totally ON! Noticing a few people were staring at my hair, I gloated with the thought of their jealousy. It eventually got late and we headed home.

On my way up the stairs to my room I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought I saw something light up. After almost dismissing it, I decided to take a closer look. There before me was, not only exposed Bumpits, but also a half dead lightning bug that had become tangled in the mess of hair, hairspray and hard plastic. Those people hadn’t been laughing at my jokes after all. They were laughing at me and the blinking neon sign reading, “hey everybody, look at her Bumpits.” I might as well have had spinach in my teeth, toilet paper stuck to my shoe and the bottom of my skirt tucked in my panties.

After scolding Brantley for not calling it to my attention sooner (to which he replied, “it looks like it always does”) I decided to suck it up and let it go. I realized that this wasn’t important enough to get upset over and that’s the lesson I hope you take from this. Never take yourself too seriously and…oh screw that. Here’s the lesson: if you were at Uncle Bud’s last Saturday night and you laughed at me and the beacon of light shining off of my head, I know who you are AND it’s on!

I Heart Louis CK

I have two favorite comedians – Kathy Griffin and Louis CK. Thanks to Bravo, Kathy Griffin is a household name while, until recently, Louis CK was better known for writing, producing and directing comedies. He has done standup on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with Conan Obrien, as well as appearing in two of his own HBO comedy specials. His language tends to be quite colorful, but I managed to find a clip that is (almost) fun for the whole family. Here's the link. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc

Mullet Watch 2009

What do Kate Gosselin, Kanye West and He-Man all have in common? An achy breaky, big mistakey. In one form or another, they are all guilty of committing the ultimate hair felony.

Kate Gosselin’s reverse mullet may not resemble the traditional “Kentucky Waterfall” we have grown to love, but it’s a mullet none the less. She does, however, get style points for creativity.

I give her three out of four douchey ex-husbands.



Kanye West stepped out at the 2009 Grammy awards with a look that said, “business in the front, party in the back.” Hey Kanye, AC Slater called and he wants his hair back.

I’m awarding him four out of four angry outbursts.


Last, but not least, is He-Man. The much forgotten superhero is proof that a six-pack is the perfect accessory to any mullet. He really did have the power.

Congrats, He-Man. I’m awarding you BOTH halves of the Power Sword, and therefore the key to Castle Grayskull. Take that, Skeletor.

Take This Job and Shove It!!

The results are in! After sifting through all of the “thankless jobs” suggestions received, I've compiled a list of the top-five.

Phlebotomist- this is a person who draws blood for a living. No one cheers when they see them coming
County Coroner- when their customers start thanking them, we will have a big problem on our hands
Day care worker- apparently you can’t please pre-schoolers, or often times, their parents
Assistant crack whore- for obvious reasons, not to mention moving up the corporate ladder to “general crack whore” isn’t as easy as you think
Cambridge, Massachusetts police sergeant- least often made statement: “You’re welcome.”

I think I speak for everyone, er, a few people when I say, thanks…I guess.

Thanks for all of your submissions!

The Omen

There is a special place behind our sofa where my son, Luke, likes to hide when he’s “up to something.” This is where he goes when he wants to shake his sippy cup upside down or sneak something inappropriate into his mouth.

I found him there this morning, holding, of all things, a calculator. Realizing that he had been caught, he looked up and gave me a devilish smile. You can imagine my astonishment when I looked at the calculator screen and saw, “sin sin sin sin sin.”

Really, Luke? Of all of the buttons you could’ve pushed, that one felt right to you?

Lawd, help me. I’m in trouble.

Nip-Tuck

I’m no stranger to having “a little work done” and it’s high time my blog did the same. In the coming weeks Loripalooza will be receiving a much needed facelift. It will be the same silliness but with a new look and a fresh pair of D cups. Don’t be afraid. Change is good. So be on the lookout!

Also, I am the proud new owner of some online real estate. You can now access my blog by going to www.Loripalooza.com.

Hard Knock Life

It’s been a rough 2009 for me. I’ve dealt with black birds nesting and dying in my shower exhaust vent (P-U!), identity theft, and to top it all off, I’m now forced to deal with adult onset acne. Quite honestly, “adult onset acne” really doesn’t do my malady justice. What I have is serious so I have taken to calling it “Terminal End-Stage Acne Disease” or TESAD for short.

TESAD has severely altered my life, both aesthetically and economically. Anyone ever been to the dermatologist and gotten away without spending an arm and a leg? I didn’t think so. In addition to pricey, non-generic prescriptions, they recommend that you buy four or five of their “products” which will run you anywhere from twelve to twenty dollars apiece.

One of the products I was talked into buying was spring water which, by itself, ran me fourteen dollars. The dermatologist said the water came from a particular spring in South America which was known to have “restorative and healing effects.” It wasn’t until I got home that I read the back of the bottle. It turns out that some leper colony “back in the day” was, indeed, healed after bathing in water from this spring. I almost flipped my lid when I realized that I had paid fourteen dollars for, not just water, but water contaminated with leprosy.

In addition to the dent made in my checking account at the dermatologist, my application for disability was denied, AND the Make a Wish Foundation refuses to return my calls. You’d think they had never heard of TESAD or something.

It seems that my “girl next door” image has been tarnished, and this time, not by my seedy past. My fresh complexion has been replaced with the after effects of acne medication- red, peeling skin still riddled with blemishes. If it continues, I’ll be forced to do what any other beast of the night would do- only leaving my house after dark to scare little children and feed on neighborhood pets.

Still, I hope for the best. It’s my only choice. That’s what brave souls with chronic illnesses do…and I’m really brave. I must be going now. It's time for me to spritz my face with leper water, again.

The Farmer in the Dell

Can someone please tell me why? Why is it that in the song, “the Farmer in the Dell,” the nurse takes the dog? Depending on which version you listen to, the nurse may even “take the cow.” I don’t know which is worse. Why can’t the nurse take the invalid or the defibrillator? I went to school for far too long to stand for this. From now on when you sing “the Farmer in the Dell,” please change it to, “the nurse takes the pills.” This version is much more realistic, especially for me.