A Moment in Pop Culture

Paris Hilton was arrested over the weekend for possession of cocaine when it fell out of her purse during a traffic stop. She reportedly told the arresting officer that she thought it was chewing gum. This confirms my suspicion that she is not nearly choosy enough regarding what she puts in her mouth.

The 2011 Dancing with the Stars cast was just announced and they may as well change the name of the show to "Dancing with a Couple of Stars and a Few Other People". The producers, yet again, created their usual cross section of dysfunctional pseudo-celebrities. Professional athletes, reality show contestants, a few actors, and the troubled relative of a former politician. It should prove to be a good season, especially if David Hasselhoff falls off the wagon again. Fingers crossed.

Breeding (like) Crazy

Mom, Michelle Duggar, of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting!” announced recently that she and husband Jim Bob are open to welcoming their twentieth child into the world. Holy episiotomy, Batman! Is that a uterus or a clown car? Their youngest child was born in December 2009 weighing in at a whopping one pound, six ounces and almost four months premature. Michelle apparently became pre-eclamptic in her twenty-fifth week of pregnancy resulting in a C-section delivery of baby, Josie, followed by a lengthy hospital stay. It’s almost as if her body was trying to tell her that she wasn’t meant to incubate and spit out an entire gaggle of healthy children, but don’t ask me. I’m not a doctor.

And how Jim Bob and Michelle keep their names straight is anybody’s guess. They were smart about it, though by picking one letter of the alphabet and sticking with it. “That’ll do. All of our kids’ names will start with the letter J.” A great idea in theory, but now the J-names have run out leaving only “Jumping Jehoshaphat,” “Jimmie Crack Corn” and “Jeepers Creepers.” I’ve got money on Jeepers Creepers.

Will 2011 bring another Duggar child destined to hear their parents say, “Put your flannel shirt back on and get your eleven fingers off of your sister’s third nipple?” Only time will tell whether they become parents for the twentieth time and we’ll find out the same way we always do. First thing in the morning on the Today Show, your coffee not even kicked in yet. You’ll drop your cup, grab your crotch and say a prayer. It’s just another addition in the Duggar three ring circle of life. Good luck keeping a possible tenth daughter off the pole, Jim Bob.

Brantley-isms

I had just returned from a visit to the ENT and was giving Brantley the details of my upcoming and dreaded septoplasty surgery. When I finished he had one question for me. "Does he do boobs?"

"No, Brantley." I answered. "My ear, nose and throat doctor does NOT do boobs."

He sighed. "Well, that's a shame."

"Thanks for the sympathy, honey."

Dad Life Video

This is too good not to share. I'm not trying to "out" anybody, but I'm pretty sure these guys live in my neighborhood. The Dad with the Round-Up is TOTALLY Brantley.

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters

I am pleased to announce that "Throw Mama from the Wheelchair" has been selected to appear in the upcoming book, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters. The book is scheduled to hit bookstores October 19, 2010. I will be available for signings, speaking engagements, and will be giving away a free copy of the book to a lucky Loripalooza follower. Details to come!

Happy Marriage Tips

In order to maintain a long and healthy marriage avoid ever asking your wife, "Are you wearing a bra?" Nothing good can come from the awaiting conversation. If you are lucky she will answer you abruptly. However, if you aren't lucky, she will answer your stupid question with her own question. "Do you think I'm wearing a bra?" If you find yourself up this creek, try and change the subject to something nostalgic, like how magical your first date was. Chicks love stuff like that. Then, ask her if she would like something to drink, or perhaps a foot rub. Hopefully by then, she will have forgotten your insensitive faux pas and the fact that her nipples are being pinched by the elastic waist band in her granny panties.

Now let's say you weaseled your way out of trouble for the last question, and you ignorantly assume her reaction to the foot rub means that she is ready for a roll in the hay. Under no circumstances is it ok to replace foreplay with the line, "Hey, you busy?" Whether you've been married a week or a half century, the sound of your voice is most likely no longer giving her goose bumps so you're going to have to try a little harder. (I'm not naming names.) In the end, you will be pleased with the result and so will your wife.

Remember fellas. They cook your meals. They clean your house. They raise your kids AND provide a much needed second income. It would be wise to keep them in good spirits.

"Happy Marriage Tips" Coming Soon

After being named number four in the list for the Top 50 Blogs for Marriage Advice, I have decided to go with my gut and start a recurring post dedicated to maintaining a happy and healthy marriage. Stay tuned!

Murfreesboro News Press Article

Click HERE to read my article in the Murfreesboro News Press regarding the plight of country music and a trip to the gynecologist!

Deep Thoughts

Everything tastes better through a bendy straw, except Alka Seltzer. Trust me.

It's Dr. Lori

I awoke this morning with an email from the website, Masters in Counseling. It seems as though Loripalooza has been included in their "50 Best Blogs for Marriage Advice," where we are listed at number four. Holy self-improvement, Batman! Loripalooza has never looked so legitimate. I feel inspired to do something worthwhile today. I probably wont, but still, I'm inspired.

And, yet there's the cynic in me that smells the irony in all of this. Is it possible to be entertaining AND therapeutic? And why does irony smell so much like a dirty diaper? Oh wait, that's something else. I must be going. A mother's work is never done.

Many thanks to Masters in Counseling. Click HERE to check out the other forty nine winners and get your marriage back on track after burning last night's dinner. You know who you are.

I'm Not Saying Who I'm Voting for but....

Are you tired of the mud slinging TV commercials where candidates focus on the shortcomings of their opponents, rather than the real issues at hand? Well, allow me to introduce Mr. Basil Marceaux. He's a (less than) average Joe who is running for governor of Tennessee and he has real issues. I mean real issues.

Mr. Marceaux's platform consists of passing legislation to "See why dental is not in most plans a tooth aches hurt more than a back aches and no teeths depresses people." Candidate Marceaux also expresses a passion for changing the state flag and abolishing traffic stops. In addition to legislation, Mr. Marceaux would also like to pass the eighth grade.

Like any political candidate, Basil Marceaux is not without critics. However, I'm sure he would like to remind everyone that he was found not guilty (by reason of insanity) on several of his past charges.

After watching the clip I'm not sure what is sadder, Mr. Marceaux's credentials, or the fact that part of his platform speech was over my head.

I will close with a quote from gubernatorial candidate, Mr. Basil Marceaux. God help us.

"I want you all to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the republicdom in the morning when you come out and we all pray to God and say, Amen. And everyone have a nice day. And I'll see you at the polls. Thank you. Have a nice day."

Bringing the Heat

An intense heat wave has hit the southeast and outside my middle Tennessee home it was 103 degrees today. That was the actual temperature, not the heat index. I managed to stay outside this morning long enough to water my flowers, but that was all I could manage. The tomatoes would have to wait until tomorrow. It was hot, too hot to breathe, and too hot to have on underwear.

I began running down my list of chores for the day and struggled to think of some way to entertain the boy without melting him. That’s when it occurred to me that it was too hot to do anything, really. Going swimming was out. The water would feel like a warm bathtub, at best. Going to the park was out. It was too hot to go to the zoo, or for a walk. So, we settled for watching cartoons and playing with his trains indoors. It made for a day filled with less action than usual, but we made it.

In my heat exhausting boredom I came up with a list of things that it is too hot to do. In addition to the above, it is also too hot to

· Skinny dip
· Cook
· Turn on the dryer
· Have sex (Now I’m just taking advantage of the heat, but he’ll never know)
· Come up with a decent blog entry

Forgive me, but I don’t function well in extreme hot or cold temperatures. My body is having a difficult time maintaining homeostasis and there is a river running through my cleavage. We’ll talk in a few days when things are better. I better be going. My lawn is beginning to smolder.