Loripalooza: 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010   

Monday, September 20, 2010

I Think I Can!

The art of track and field has its roots in ancient Greece and was introduced to the United States in the 1860’s. However, some historians believe that it originated even farther back with the Australopithecines participating in competitive foot races with their pet wooly mammoths. Modern scientists believe there is a 97 percent chance that I made some of this up.

What I do know to be true is that I jumped on the band wagon a few months ago, not because I enjoyed it, but rather because it is a really effective means of weight loss. Slowly and overtime I have increased my distance, speed, and affection for the ancient sport. This past weekend, I am proud to say, I participated in my very first 5K run, called the South Nash Dash.

I was a little nervous because my goal was to run the entire thing. No walking. As the race began, the crowd of runners thinned out with the zero percent body fat contestants leaving everyone else in a cloud of dust. “That’s ok,” I told myself. “I’m the tortoise. They’re the hare. I’m the tortoise. They’re the hare.” I kept on trucking. Surprisingly, some real lightweights stopped to walk. We weren’t even to the first mile marker at that point, but that was fine with me. It made me look better. “That’s right,” I thought. I’m Suzy Q. better than you.” It was about that time when a lady smoked past me. She was moving down the road like a cheetah chasing something that a cheetah would chase, a duck I guess, all the while pushing what appeared to be a three year old in a stroller. It was a little disheartening, but that was ok. Her kid would need a snack or a juice cup at some point. I would pass her then. “I’m the tortoise. She’s the hare.”

I spotted a couple of obese people jogging slowly. “Perfect! Someone I could run alongside.” Slow was the key. I kept on trucking. However, at some point my husky partners fell behind, and before I knew it, I was well past the halfway mark. The downhill that I had enjoyed in the first half of the race had a vicious other side to it, and I began to question my abilities. “Would it be so horrible if I walked a little?” It was about that time when I turned the corner and saw my family and friends standing at the finish line. It was too late to walk then. Everyone was watching. So, at my tortoise pace I finally finished. Exhausted and exhilarated, I had finished the race, achieved my goal of running the whole thing, and completely smoked that lady in the knee brace.

My official time was thirty three minutes and some change, and I enjoyed a little cooling off while waiting for everyone else to finish. The awards ceremony came around and, as it turned out, I didn’t finish first, second, or third. I did, however, come in first in the “Coolest Running Shoes” category, and second in the “Thirty to Thirty-one Year Old Female, Part-time Writer” category. It’s a more popular category than you might think. Had they given me the microphone, I would’ve thanked God, the Academy, and the double shot caramel macchiato that gave me the energy I needed to finish. I would also like to thank those who wished me well and/or came out to watch me jog. You probably had better things to do, like sleeping past 7am, but I am very grateful for your support. Keep on trucking.

Sincerely,
The Tortoise




Thursday, September 16, 2010

Captured!

Mexican police announced Sunday that they have captured a major alleged drug trafficker, known as El Grande. This is not, however, the same El Grande that is currently on the dollar menu at Taco Bell. In a related story, El Grande’s brothers, Speedy Gonzales, Nachos Supremos, and #41 Chicken remain at large.

I was going to include a picture of Mr. El Grande, but as luck would have it, he is extremely unattractive. So instead, please enjoy this image from the movie, The Mexican, starring Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Luke-isms and a Good job

I was completely frazzled. It was noon and my hair was a mess, I was still unshowered and in my pajamas. The only thing I had managed to attend to, so far that day, was Luke. I changed his dirty diaper and as I fastened the last velcro, Luke stated simply, “Good job, Mom.”

“What did you say?” I asked him.

He smiled. “Good job, Mommy.”

I was astonished. “Thanks, Luke.”

Suddenly, my piss poor attitude turned sunny. I had been brow beating myself all day about the things I wasn’t getting accomplished, yet with one simple complement, my two year old had turned my day around. Did he know that my self esteem was tanking at that moment, or was he just realizing that he needed to give me some positive reinforcement to ensure that I continue changing his dirty diapers? I really don’t know the answer, but it really doesn’t matter. Whatever the reason, it worked.

Since then I have gotten “Good job, Mommy’s” almost daily and the timing is always impeccable. Recent note worthy affirmations occurred after I helped him brush his teeth, sang him a song, put batteries in his train, turned on the DVD player, loaded the dishwasher, poured him a cup of juice, and drove my car. The last one was especially significant because I wasn’t even doing anything special. Just driving the car along safely. This does, however, make me question how he feels about his father’s driving skills. I bet Brantley has never gotten a “Good job” and I know why (two words: speed demon).

So, I’m obviously not perfect, but as long as my boy thinks I’m doing a good job then that is close enough to perfect for me.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Getting to Know Me

Here are some fun facts you may not have known about me.


  • I don't think it is really possible to "LMAO". However, I DO think it's possible to PMWL (pee myself with laughter) and LTIMBS (laugh 'til I make a bodily sound).

  • One thing I wish I could do is...spel bettur.

  • I'm terrified of peeing into blue toilet water. I would seriously rather cop a squat in the sink.

  • I don't think I've ever had an STD.

  • I find it difficult to be serious a lot of the time.

  • I haven't opened my own mail since the 2001 anthrax scare. Brantley is willing to take the risk for me.

  • I was once banned from a public library, really.

  • I'm an excellent cd mixologist.

  • I wouldn't make a very good hooker. I'm actually not that nice in person.

  • I'm geographically retarded.

  • I'm also lactarded, despite my love of milk.

  • I have a crush on our pest control man (Brantley is cool with it).

  • I'm a clutz.

  • I recently beat my addiction to nose candy (Afrin).

  • I used to be stylish. Now I only shop in places that provide me with a buggy in which to harness my child. (Target)

  • I think everything tastes better through a bendy straw. Yes, that means coffee and merlot. Deal with it.

  • I HATE when someone sips their coffee loud enough for you to hear it. If it's that damn hot, then you shouldn't be drinking it without a bendy straw.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A Moment in Pop Culture

Paris Hilton was arrested over the weekend for possession of cocaine when it fell out of her purse during a traffic stop. She reportedly told the arresting officer that she thought it was chewing gum. This confirms my suspicion that she is not nearly choosy enough regarding what she puts in her mouth.

The 2011 Dancing with the Stars cast was just announced and they may as well change the name of the show to "Dancing with a Couple of Stars and a Few Other People". The producers, yet again, created their usual cross section of dysfunctional pseudo-celebrities. Professional athletes, reality show contestants, a few actors, and the troubled relative of a former politician. It should prove to be a good season, especially if David Hasselhoff falls off the wagon again. Fingers crossed.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Breeding (like) Crazy

Mom, Michelle Duggar, of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting!” announced recently that she and husband Jim Bob are open to welcoming their twentieth child into the world. Holy episiotomy, Batman! Is that a uterus or a clown car? Their youngest child was born in December 2009 weighing in at a whopping one pound, six ounces and almost four months premature. Michelle apparently became pre-eclamptic in her twenty-fifth week of pregnancy resulting in a C-section delivery of baby, Josie, followed by a lengthy hospital stay. It’s almost as if her body was trying to tell her that she wasn’t meant to incubate and spit out an entire gaggle of healthy children, but don’t ask me. I’m not a doctor.

And how Jim Bob and Michelle keep their names straight is anybody’s guess. They were smart about it, though by picking one letter of the alphabet and sticking with it. “That’ll do. All of our kids’ names will start with the letter J.” A great idea in theory, but now the J-names have run out leaving only “Jumping Jehoshaphat,” “Jimmie Crack Corn” and “Jeepers Creepers.” I’ve got money on Jeepers Creepers.

Will 2011 bring another Duggar child destined to hear their parents say, “Put your flannel shirt back on and get your eleven fingers off of your sister’s third nipple?” Only time will tell whether they become parents for the twentieth time and we’ll find out the same way we always do. First thing in the morning on the Today Show, your coffee not even kicked in yet. You’ll drop your cup, grab your crotch and say a prayer. It’s just another addition in the Duggar three ring circle of life. Good luck keeping a possible tenth daughter off the pole, Jim Bob.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Brantley-isms

I had just returned from a visit to the ENT and was giving Brantley the details of my upcoming and dreaded septoplasty surgery. When I finished he had one question for me. "Does he do boobs?"

"No, Brantley." I answered. "My ear, nose and throat doctor does NOT do boobs."

He sighed. "Well, that's a shame."

"Thanks for the sympathy, honey."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dad Life Video

This is too good not to share. I'm not trying to "out" anybody, but I'm pretty sure these guys live in my neighborhood. The Dad with the Round-Up is TOTALLY Brantley.