Monday, January 17, 2011
--Later, my Mom came into my room. "Lori, take these back home with you. It's stationery we got in Gatlinburg when you were about twelve."
"Ooh, I don't think that's really my style, Mom."
"Well, you can give it to somebody."
"It says on the front, "A Note from Lori in the Great Smoky Mountains.'"
"Just take 'em back."
And, so I brought them home with me, where they reside on my dresser.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hard core potty training began at our house four days ago, and since then we have given prize incentives to Luke (2 ½) to help spur him on. I made him a treasure chest and stocked it full of crap from Dollar Tree and Target’s dollar bin. This method began working pretty quickly and gave Luke the little bit of motivation he needed for going peepee. Numero dos, however, was a different story. Nothing in the treasure chest seemed worth his trouble. I needed to raise the stakes.
“If you go poop in the potty, we will get you a Cranky,” I told him. Cranky is a crane, and member of the Thomas the Tank Engine family. Luke has wanted Cranky for sometime, but we couldn’t ever find one in the store. “No big deal,” I thought. “We won’t be needing him for a while.”
I was wrong. Lo and behold, did the boy go poop in the potty this morning AND almost all of it went into the potty. He began shouting, “I get a Cwanky!” Brantley and I were shocked, but a promise was a promise. The three of us got dressed and to Toys-R-Us we went.
I wish I had thought to check the price of the toy before promising him to Luke, and next time I will. I never imagined it would cost $40, thus making this morning’s bowel movement the most expensive in history. It better be worth it.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The presents have been opened, toys have been played with, new shoes have been worn, and the positive Christmas energy has been taken out to the curb along with the tree. Enter your worst enemy, the New Year’s resolution. For centuries we have celebrated the beginning of a new year by setting a goal for ourselves, and for centuries we have failed to meet that goal. There are a few people out there, who set a specific goal and achieve it, and those people are called assholes, but I digress.
F.M. Knowles said, "He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool." Setting a daunting and unrealistic goal will only serve as a reminder of what a loser you are. So, instead of resolving to lose fifty pounds and stop drinking in 2011, try setting an easily attainable, or vague goal. If you aspire to wake up before noon most of the time, work ~40 hours a week, or change your underwear daily, you will find a feeling of accomplishment when you achieve, and even surpass your goal. Before long you will be drunk, overweight, and unsuccessful, but with a confidence level usually reserved for the captain of the football team. My point is, if we strive for mediocrity, we can all be winners.
This year I resolved to accept the things I could not change, rite bettur, and stay foxy. I accomplished all three January 1st, 2010. Take that, world! But, what if I had failed? True, I wouldn’t have had that “king of the world” feeling for the remaining 364 ¼ days of the year, but I wouldn’t have let my failures define me or dictate whether I had a good 2010.
I’ve yet to determine my New Year’s resolution for 2011, but rest assured they will rival last year’s in quality and importance. Hopefully, I will achieve them by next December, but if I don’t, that’s ok too. My only plans are to be a little older, a little braver, a little happier, and still none the wiser.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The joke was on me this year when I opened a beautifully wrapped package from a dear friend, only to discover THIS lying within. Despite my shock, I can always appreciate a good poop joke. This was definitely one of my favorite Christmas gifts. Here's to wishing you and yours a crappy 2011!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
If you are a parent who is struggling with talking to your teen about drugs and alcohol, try this Whitney Houston quote as a conversation starter.