Fabulous Quotes From a Visit With My Folks

--Little sister, Leigh, in reference to her new house and neighbors, "The strippers are fine, but the Mormons are driving us nuts."

--Later, my Mom came into my room. "Lori, take these back home with you.  It's stationery we got in Gatlinburg when you were about twelve."
"Ooh, I don't think that's really my style, Mom."
"Well, you can give it to somebody."
"It says on the front, "A Note from Lori in the Great Smoky Mountains.'"
"Just take 'em back."
"Yes, ma'am."

And, so I brought them home with me, where they reside on my dresser.

The Potty Wars

“Get him a toy out of the treasure chest.”

“No,” I told my husband.  “Pooping in front of the potty does not qualify him to go to the treasure chest.”

“But he was trying.  He went into the bathroom, stood on the stool…”

“And crapped on the floor,” I interrupted.

There we were, husband and wife, in the throws of an argument over our two and a half year old son’s potty training antics.  Fundamental differences of opinion had plagued us recently when it came to Luke’s bathroom use.  Truth be told, he was doing quite well as long as he was completely without pants or a diaper.  He would go into the bathroom, get on the stool and perform a number one like a champ.  Numero dos, however, was another story. 

We provided him with positive reinforcement, made him a treasure chest and a sticker chart for his successful visits to the bathroom.  Still, he didn’t seem motivated to do the part that required sitting down.  “Why should he?” I thought.  Who wouldn’t love to just go wherever they are and have someone else clean up after them and powder their behind?  Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. 

But, maybe something else was slowing his progress.  Maybe I was a bad teacher.  That had to be it.  Who was I, to tell him how to use the potty when I clearly had my own hang-ups about it?   As a child (read: and adult) I had always been afraid of the dark.  One night, my older, and meaner, sister said something to me that I’ve never forgotten, despite how ridiculous I now know it to be. 

“You should never, ever flush the toilet at night.  If you do, monsters will come out and kill you because they know your parents can’t hear your screams over the sound of the toilet.”

I was horrified, and to this day, I will not flush a toilet after dark.  My husband has come to accept it, although I now say that I don’t want the sound of the flush to wake up Luke (who sleeps on the other side of the house).   Yet, there I stood, a grown woman who saw fit to pass judgment on her kid because he missed the bowl by a couple of feet. 

“Here you go, Luke.  Come pick something out of the treasure chest,” I told him.  He was delighted over his reward and I was proud of his effort.  True, it may not have been a perfect attempt, but I’m not a perfect mom.  The fact is, potty training takes time, a lot of time.  My hope is that he can accomplish that without being scarred for life.  If that happens, then I have done my job.   My other hope is that my older sister has kids one day so I can totally mess them up.  Revenge is sweet.

Bust My Buffers!

You know that you're completely confident in your manhood when you aren’t ashamed to sport a Thomas the Train tattoo to workout at the YMCA.  That’s just what Brantley did this week, and he assures me he knew full well that the tattoo was still on his arm as he pumped some iron in the weight room.  I’m not so sure.  He did get a few double takes from admiring passersby who he swears were, “just jealous.”  That could totally pass for a prison tatt.  He's got some major street cred.

Deep Thoughts

Why is it that Facebook lets you give someone a friendly “poke,” but does NOT give you the option to give someone a “punch in the face?”   And, while you can easily click a button to “like” someone’s post, you cannot dislike it without actually typing the word, “dislike.”  They are making it really hard for me to show my disdain for people, places, and things these days.  I’m looking at you, Mark Zuckerberg.  Ball’s in your court.

Fatty, Fatty, Two-by-four. Can't Fit Through the Adobe Hut Door.

A new study has indicated that the South Pacific Island, Nauru, is the fattest country in the world with 93% of women, and 97% of men being overweight or obese. This wasn’t the case a decade ago when the tiny island country’s diet consisted predominantly of raw or grilled fish. However, in the recent years Nauru began importing western food, and the result has been type II diabetes and cardiovascular disease of epidemic proportions, not to mention a passion for the French fry.

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Joining the Movement- A Story of Triumph

Hard core potty training began at our house four days ago, and since then we have given prize incentives to Luke (2 ½) to help spur him on. I made him a treasure chest and stocked it full of crap from Dollar Tree and Target’s dollar bin. This method began working pretty quickly and gave Luke the little bit of motivation he needed for going peepee. Numero dos, however, was a different story. Nothing in the treasure chest seemed worth his trouble. I needed to raise the stakes.

“If you go poop in the potty, we will get you a Cranky,” I told him. Cranky is a crane, and member of the Thomas the Tank Engine family. Luke has wanted Cranky for sometime, but we couldn’t ever find one in the store. “No big deal,” I thought. “We won’t be needing him for a while.”

I was wrong. Lo and behold, did the boy go poop in the potty this morning AND almost all of it went into the potty. He began shouting, “I get a Cwanky!” Brantley and I were shocked, but a promise was a promise. The three of us got dressed and to Toys-R-Us we went.

I wish I had thought to check the price of the toy before promising him to Luke, and next time I will. I never imagined it would cost $40, thus making this morning’s bowel movement the most expensive in history. It better be worth it.

New Year's Disillusion

The presents have been opened, toys have been played with, new shoes have been worn, and the positive Christmas energy has been taken out to the curb along with the tree. Enter your worst enemy, the New Year’s resolution. For centuries we have celebrated the beginning of a new year by setting a goal for ourselves, and for centuries we have failed to meet that goal. There are a few people out there, who set a specific goal and achieve it, and those people are called assholes, but I digress.

F.M. Knowles said, "He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool." Setting a daunting and unrealistic goal will only serve as a reminder of what a loser you are. So, instead of resolving to lose fifty pounds and stop drinking in 2011, try setting an easily attainable, or vague goal. If you aspire to wake up before noon most of the time, work ~40 hours a week, or change your underwear daily, you will find a feeling of accomplishment when you achieve, and even surpass your goal. Before long you will be drunk, overweight, and unsuccessful, but with a confidence level usually reserved for the captain of the football team. My point is, if we strive for mediocrity, we can all be winners.

This year I resolved to accept the things I could not change, rite bettur, and stay foxy. I accomplished all three January 1^st, 2010. Take that, world! But, what if I had failed? True, I wouldn’t have had that “king of the world” feeling for the remaining 364 ¼ days of the year, but I wouldn’t have let my failures define me or dictate whether I had a good 2010.

I’ve yet to determine my New Year’s resolution for 2011, but rest assured they will rival last year’s in quality and importance. Hopefully, I will achieve them by next December, but if I don’t, that’s ok too. My only plans are to be a little older, a little braver, a little happier, and still none the wiser.

Crappy Christmas

The joke was on me this year when I opened a beautifully wrapped package from a dear friend, only to discover THIS lying within. Despite my shock, I can always appreciate a good poop joke. This was definitely one of my favorite Christmas gifts. Here's to wishing you and yours a crappy 2011!

Just Say "No" to Irony

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston laid down their crack pipes and sobered up just in time to hold an intervention for their seventeen year old daughter, Bobbi Kristina, last week. This came after picture evidence of her partying hit the World Wide Web leaving many to speculate that the apple didn't fall far from the addiction tree. However, after experiencing their own pitfalls with drugs and alcohol, who better than the Whitney and Bobby to warn their daughter of what she’s in for, lest she change her ways? There is no match for firsthand experience, after all.

If you are a parent who is struggling with talking to your teen about drugs and alcohol, try this Whitney Houston quote as a conversation starter.

“Let’s get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Crack is whack.”