Happy Marriage Tips

Life is like a box of dollar store condoms.  You never know what you're going to get. 

Luke-isms

Luke and I have been enjoying the warmer weather and decided to take a trip to the zoo.  When we arrived I said, "What would you like to see first?"  He answered, "The Americans and the cows."

Oddly enough, it took a couple of minutes to find an American, and we have cows in Nolensville.  Next time we'll save gas and stay in town.

The full article: The Doghouse and a Three Hour Lunch

My apologies for a non-functioning link yesterday.  Here is the full article in all its glory...

I found myself in a new position this past Valentine’s Day.  Get your minds out of the gutter.  I’m referring to the doghouse.  Here’s how it all went down.  Every weekday my husband, Brantley, listens to the radio show, Three Hour Lunch, on 104.5 The Zone.  You could call it his “me” time, and during our tenure together I have had quite a few chances to enjoy the show myself.  Blaine Bishop, Clay Travis and Brent Dougherty are the hosts, and even though I don’t always know what they’re talking about they still manage to make me laugh.  Well, yesterday I got one of my really good ideas.  I thought, “Wouldn’t it be great if I infiltrated Brantley’s precious radio show by being one of the callers?”  I toyed with this idea while I listened to the humorous Three Hour Lunch commentary.  It was around noon when one of the hosts brought up the subject of bad Valentine’s Day gifts.  He said they would be taking calls and wanted to hear about the worst Valentine’s Day gift you ever received.  However, it sounded more to me like, “Hey Lori, it’s God.  Call this number.  Everyone would LOVE to hear what you have to say.”  How could I say no?

I almost died when I heard, “Lori from Nolensville, you’re on the air with Three Hour Lunch.”  I tried to keep it short and sweet while sticking to the facts.  “Hey guys, I love your show.  I wanted to tell you that the worst Valentine’s Day gift I ever received was a hair dryer from my husband.”  The collective group broke into laughter and one of the hosts asked why my husband would’ve gotten me such a thing.  I went on to explain that he was a pharmacist when one of the fellas interrupted with, “No, he DID NOT just pick something off the shelf at Walgreen’s while he was at work?”

I came to the end of my story and was quite certain I would soon be cut off, but I wasn’t quite finished.  I can’t recall my exact words, but it went something like this.  “Guys, if I may, I’d like to send him a Valentine over the airways while he listens on his way to work. Hey honey, SUCK IT!”  My comments were again met with laughter, and as I guessed I was promptly cut off.  I waited about ten seconds and then called my husband, Brantley.  I could tell by his voice that he was a little apprehensive, but he laughed it off.  However, as the day passed, he had more time to think it over, and I guess it hurt his ego a bit.  I began feeling a little coldness in his text messages.  I asked if he was angry and he responded with, “No more radio calls for you.”  I couldn’t believe it.  It was my first radio call ever, and I had rocked it.  He couldn’t make me hide my light under a bushel.  Or could he?

I started feeling guilty, but why?  It’s not like public ridicule is new to our relationship.  It may be a first for the radio, but I’ve been making fun of him twice a week for three years on the web, and he has (almost) always approved.  Not to mention, playful teasing is how I show my affection.  I’m like the eight-year-old boy who runs up and punches you in the stomach on the playground to tell you that he’s interested. 

Regardless of my explanations and excuses, I was in the doghouse.  I can honestly say that I haven’t spent a lot of time there during our relationship so that either means I’m really awesome, or my husband is really forgiving.  Assuming that the latter is most likely true, I decided to make some changes.  So, from now on, I am going to make a concerted effort to stay out of his sacred, sports radio territory, and if that includes Three Hour Lunch, then so be it.  (Single tear rolls down my cheek.)  I will also try to mature in my displays of affection to that of at least a fifth grade level, and to prove that, I have one question for my dear, sweet husband.  Will you go with me?  Check yes or no. 

The Doghouse and a 3-Hour Lunch

I found myself in a new position this past Valentine’s Day.  Get your minds out of the gutter.  I’m referring to the doghouse.  Here’s how it all went down.  Every weekday my husband, Brantley, listens to the radio show, Three Hour Lunch, on 104.5 The Zone.  You could call it his “me” time, and during our tenure together I have had quite a few chances to enjoy the show myself.  Blaine Bishop, Clay Travis and Brent Dougherty are the hosts, and even though I don’t always know what they’re talking about they still manage to make me laugh.  Well, yesterday I got one of my really good ideas.  I thought, “Wouldn’t it be great if I infiltrated Brantley’s precious radio show by being one of the callers?”  I toyed with this idea while I listened to the humorous Three Hour Lunch commentary.  It was around noon when one of the hosts brought up the subject of bad Valentine’s Day gifts.  He said they would be taking calls and wanted to hear about the worst Valentine’s Day gift you ever received.  However, it sounded more to me like, “Hey Lori, it’s God.  Call this number.  Everyone would LOVE to hear what you have to say.”  How could I say no?

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Harry Baals

I don't know if you noticed, but the second and third highest number of votes was for the Deez Gnutz Community Center, and the Arie Hola Hispanic Heritage Building.  However, I am really pulling for the Harry Baals Government Center because I would really hate to disappoint the Baals family.  I don't know if Fort Wayne has ever seen that many blue Baals at once.

Special thanks to Robin O'Bryant at Robin's Chicks for introducing me to the Harry Baals video.  I've watched it eight times now, and it just keeps getting better.

Relationship Advice: Valentine's Day Edition

As Valentine’s Day approaches, men and women everywhere are racking their brains over what to do/buy their partner for this special day.  Guys, I feel your pain.  I too, realize that this is a phony holiday, most likely thought up by some chick in high school who ALWAYS had a boyfriend, and never once had to watch everyone else in the class receive bouquets of flowers, all the while thinking, “Please let this one be mine. Please be mine. Please be mine. Damn it, why did she get two.”  But, I digress.  If we have to have one day a year dedicated to forcing our spouses to be romantic, then so be it.  Therefore, to aid in your dilemma over how to impress him/her, I’ve come up with a few suggestions.

Keep in mind this day is about being a giver, and not a taker. So I say to you fellas, let her watch what she wants on TV for a while.  This includes, dare I say, anything on the Hallmark channel or the Lifetime Movie Network.  Worse things have happened than you having to see three movies in a row starring Tori Spelling.  If you have to, just pretend Tori has her clothes off.  Another option is to bring back the manners you exercised when you were dating.  Brantley has never been so attractive as he was yesterday when he said, “You have ten seconds to vacate the room before I fart.”  I truly felt like a princess.  To take it one step further, you could close your mouth while chewing (this especially goes for you mouth breathers), and for the love of God, use the can of air freshener that sits on the back of the commode. It’s not just for looks.

Ladies, try to keep in mind that Valentine’s Day is NOT all about you.  It’s just as important to give your fella that special attention he so deserves.  Consider trading him one hour of uninterrupted silence while he watches Nova, for a 15-minute back rub.  I would discourage you from asking for a one-hour back rub because you know he’s going to get bored and lose interest after about fifteen minutes. 

Keep in mind the importance of setting time aside for each other.  Everyone makes time for work, TV, and kids so why not schedule some one-on-one leisure time.  Take a walk through the park together, but keep it simple.  No one wants to see you making out in public any day of the year.  In fact, your PDA could cause the joggers to dehydrate from vomiting which makes this a public health concern.  You may hold hands at the most.  Also avoid saying things like, “Yeah, I’ll go to the park with you, but I don’t want to hear you complaining about your damn allergies tonight.”  That could really take the spontaneity out of the event. 

Now, let’s move on to a more sensitive subject- the bedroom.  Nothing could be worse than falling into a same ol’, same ol’ routine.  So, instead veer away from the humdrum and try something new.  Now fellas, if you’re thinking that life in the sack is fine and, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Trust me when I say you’re good, but you’re not THAT good.  There’s always room for improvement.  Role-playing is a great way to add some excitement to the mundane.  Whether you’re reenacting a scene from When Harry Met Sally or Alien vs. Predator, you’re effort won’t go unnoticed.  If I can speak candidly, nothing gets my goat like Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.  I am putty in his hands for a good Mushmouth impression. 

It’s also important to remember that men and women want different things.  For some women, the before and after is just as important as the middle.  All cutleries were NOT created equally, so it’s just as important to spoon as it is to fork.  Cuddle time is generally high on a lady’s agenda. 

I think I’ve given you some valuable tools to put some much needed spice back into your as-good-as-dead, just-goin’-through-the-motions relationships.  Now get out there and love each other.  Just don’t do it in public.  

Politely Rude: A Luke-ism

During yesterday's lunch date with Luke (2.5yo) I experienced embarrassment to the umpteenth degree.  We were at Zaxby's in Franklin where they had one of the sweetest little old lady employees.  She was over the moon for Luke and would give him hugs and kisses every time she passed our table.  However, there came a point when he could take no more of this affection.  "Pwease stop touching me, sir," he said as he brushed off one of her hugs.  I choked on my sweet tea and was quite certain it would come out my nose.  Based on the smile on her face and the hearing aids in her ears, I don't think she knew what he had said.  With that, we wrapped up lunch and headed home.  I was determined to avoid and further mouthy mishaps.  "From the mouths of babes," as they say, "sometimes excrement spews forth."  I may have made the last part up, but you know it's true.

Wouldn't Want To Be In His Shoes

Fashion designer Kenneth Cole earned the title of Twitter asshole yesterday when he tweeted to the world, "Millions are in uproar in #Cairo. Rumor is they heard our new spring collection is now available online..."  Way to be sensitive there, KC.  You're joke was almost as funny as rape.  Maybe next time you should stick with sweat shop humor.  It would be more appropriate.  Mr. Cole later deleted his tweet and issued an apology.  In a related story, Kanye West was relieved to pass the title of Twitter asshole to someone else.

I'm Getting Softer

I'm getting a water softener for my birthday. Don't hate. I'm very excited about it. Truth be told, I'm a practical girl, and a water softener would be a wonderful addition to my home. Having said that, we are in the process of getting estimates from different companies. 
Company number one came out this evening, and the "water specialist" was very knowledgable (read: expensive).  Not wanting to be rude, I offered him a glass of hard water.  He declined my offer. 
"No thanks, you're water is full of chemicals."
I knew a sales pitch when I heard one.  "Real cute," I said.  "That's why I drink soda."

Lori-1, Benjamin Franklin Plumbing-0.