A Moment in Pop Culture

Back again! Ready and willing to pop your culture. Let’s get started, shall we?

Michael Lohan was arrested recently for assaulting his girlfriend.  This has left people everywhere asking, “is he a good role model?”

Leah and baby-daddy Corey from the MTV reality show Teen Mom, are now married, and despite herself, she wore a white dress at the wedding.  Corey donned a tuxedo with a camouflage vest and wedding band.  His grand kids will be excited to inherit that one day.  It looked to be a classy event where everrbody did their har up faincy-like.

Angelina Jolie reportedly made another comment about how monogamy isn’t necessary in a relationship.  Always a big surprise coming from such a man-stealing whore.

And finally, Chris Brown had a violent meltdown after an appearance on Good Morning America last week.  In his defense, he was upset over the interview questions selected by Robin Roberts, and he broke a window in his dressing room because there was no one in there he could hit. 

Leigh Does China

My sister, Leigh, and her boyfriend, Carl, made it safely back from China this week.  I talked to her on Thursday and we had a nice long conversation about everything they did and saw.  After talking with her for about an hour we wrapped up the conversation and before we hung up I asked, “So nothing crazy or scary happened on your trip?”  Then, as if she were recounting a trip to the post office she added, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I was hit by a car and attacked by a monkey.”

Apparently China doesn’t have stringent traffic laws, or in some places, traffic lights.  She was attempting to cross an intersection, on a crosswalk no less, when she was hit.  “It just rolled me up on the hood and pushed me forward a little.  It didn’t hurt.”

As for the monkey story, Leigh and Carl were posing for a picture when someone happened by with their pet monkey.  It immediately ran up her leg, crawling across her face, and stopping on top of her head.  “I wasn’t sure of the laws regarding monkeys and self defense, so I just kind of stood there.  I didn’t want to end up in a Chinese prison for punching a monkey in the face.”  I couldn’t argue with that.

Fortunately for me, the person with the camera kept snapping, and for that I say thank you.

Alter Ego- Lori Wescott, Life Coach

The other day I said to myself, “I could use some extra money, but I don’t want to bother going back to school.”  I knew my only two options were being a freelance plumber, or a life coach.  I quickly marked plumbing off the list because I’ve been told that I’m not a “good worker,” whatever that means.  So life coaching it is!

I have been totally committed to helping others better themselves through my instruction and advice for four full days now.  However, I’ve been touching people’s lives for years.  Just read this testimonial from one of my clients.

“Lori has been coaching my life since we met about ten years ago.  I can always count on her to jump in and correct me before I make a decision.  She’s not very subtle.  I got a life with Lori Wescott and so can you.”      -Brantley, from Tennessee

Everyone could use a little improvement in their lives.  Follow Brantley’s lead and start living a happier, more attractive existence today.  I can help you with relationship advice, occupational dilemmas, ridiculous self-loathing, general whinery, crap-ass attitudes, PMS, and more.

Stay tuned to Loripalooza for further advice from Lori Wescott, Life Coach on subjects such as, “If You Think Everyone Hates You, They Probably Do,” and “Exercise Is For the Morbidly Obese.”

Things a Parent Should Never Have to Say

If you’re a parent, then you know there are things you should never have to tell your kids.  If you don’t have children, then I’m sure you remember hearing something similar from your moms and dads.  I got some help on this post from my friends on Facebook.  If you haven’t connected with me on Facebook or Twitter, there’s no time like the present. 

Here are a few things that should go without saying.

• Why are you eating that worm off the ground?
• We do NOT bite balls.
• We don’t lick doorknobs.
• Come get this snake off my desk.
• Why did you drink that unknown substance out of a cup left in the parking lot?
• Yes, you can sleep with the dust buster, but don't turn it on.
• Please don't lick the chocolate off your hands after touching the toilet seat.
• Don’t bounce on your sister’s head.
• Don't eat the faucet!
• Did you wipe and flush?
• We don't take our pants off in the liquor store.
• Any girl that mounts you on the playground is not the marrying kind. Yes, I understand that it was fun, but she sit's on top of a lot of boys.
• Please take your athletic cup off the kitchen table.  How would you like to eat breakfast with my bra in front of you?

Leigh, Don't Order the Pu Pu Platter!

My baby sis and her boyfriend departed two days ago for China.  I, myself, have never traveled outside of the states, but I had some advice for her nonetheless.

• Don't be surprised if someone hits a gong every time you try to speak. It's just their custom.
• Don't pack baby powder in a zip lock baggy to save room in your suitcase. (Yeah, she's done it before.)
• Don't drink water straight from a river like our genius, eldest sister did in Honduras.  You don't want to be harboring a parasite upon your return home. 
• Don't do anything that could render you spending time in a Chinese prison.  Lifetime movies portray it as being really rough. 

That was all of the knowledge I imparted to her, but I did request she bring me back a souvenir that captured the essence of China, e.g. a headband like Ralph Macchio wore in Karate Kid, a fortune cookie, or a T-shirt that says, "Me love you long time."

Deep Thoughts

If you shoot for the stars and accidentally hit the moon, that makes you a failure.

Luke-isms

Today Luke and I ventured to Whole Foods to have lunch and grab a few grocery items.  After about half an hour, I decided Luke needed to try to potty.  Needless to say, ten minutes later, he had still not gone to the bathroom, but had managed to touch every filthy surface in the room.  I washed his hands in the sink, and then began to wash my own.  At the same time, Luke heard another bathroom patron begin to use the bathroom.  Without a second thought, he immediately stuck his head under the door of her stall and said, "Oh! Good job, sir!"

I scooped him up, with soap still on my hands, and ran out the door.  So, to the lady wearing gray sweatpants and brown Birkenstocks, in the next to last stall at Whole Foods, I apologize.

Brantley-isms

I haven't posted anything in several days because I was a little under the weather, and Brantley had me on a strict technology hiatus while I rested.  As you might imagine, I couldn't have spent that much time relaxing with my family, without hearing one or two Brantley-isms.  I apologize ahead of time for this one.

One night as we sat watching Curious George, I became exasperated.  "Why on earth does the man with the yellow hat keep George around if he constantly messes everything up?"
Brantley spoke quietly so Luke couldn't hear what he said.  "Are you kidding me?  Three words- monkey hand jobs."
"Isn't that two words?" I asked.
"No, I'm pretty sure 'hand' and 'job' are two separate words."
"Hmm, I'm not so sure.  Besides, that's ridiculous."
 He added, "You know, monkeys basically have two sets of hands."
"Ok, enough. Thank you."

I haven't seen that show in the same light since.