Luke-isms

I was showering when Luke (3 yrs. old) came stomping into my bathroom with his pants off and two thumbs up announcing, "Mommyyyyyyy, I did poo-poos in the potty!"
I panicked a little considering that this act usually requires assistance on my part. If I hadn't been in the shower I"m pretty sure I would've had a sweat mustache just from the anxiety.
I inquired as to whether he had completed the paperwork that is required afterward.
He responded with, "Nah, I not need to, Mom. It was just all happy down 'ere."
"Get in the bathtub NOW!"

Holiday Memories

This post is an oldie but a goody from a couple of years ago.  Get out the cocoa because it's about to get warm and fuzzy up in here, circa 1988!

I have fond memories of going to pick out a Christmas tree as a child. My parents, my two sisters and I would load up in our Dodge Omni and head out to what seemed like the wilderness. Most people bought their Christmas trees from a vendor in the Kroger parking lot, or went to a tree farm, but not us. Years later I would realize that we had actually been tree thieving trespassers on some strangers land, but what the hay. It was quality time together and that’s what mattered. 

One year in particular, we found the most perfect tree. It was just right in size and shape. My Dad cut it down and strapped it to the top of our car and the five of us loaded back in. We were on our way home when my dad slowed down and pointed to a different tree on the side of the road. “I think that one might be better than the one we just picked, but I’m not sure if it’s big enough. Lori, would you go stand next to it so we can see how big it is by comparison?”

“Sure, Daddy.” My sisters and I had been singing Christmas carols in the backseat, but I was happy to stop singing and oblige my father. I even felt special that he had asked me, rather than my older sister. I jumped out of the car and ran across the dirt road. When I located the particular tree I turned around to face the car. At that moment I knew I had been set up. My entire family waved out the window at me and I could hear them laughing as my dad sped away.

I was eight years old and all alone, standing next to someone else’s tree, on someone else’s property like a big jackass. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Down the road I saw my dad backing the car up to come back and get me. I considered not getting back in, but I didn’t have a lot of options. My family had a good laugh at my expense. “You should’ve seen your face,” and “That was so funny!” was all I heard the whole way home.

"Yeah," I thought. "Really funny". I wish the police had driven by. I could’ve told them what happened and my parents would’ve gone to jail on Christmas. Trespassing, stealing, and child neglect- that would show them. I made the ride home as unpleasant as possible for everyone by singing Christmas carols non-stop, and at the top of my lungs. An hour and twenty minutes later we arrived home and they all clamored out of the car. I may not have abandoned them on a deserted road, but I had gotten under their skin and I took solace in that. My real revenge would have to wait, though. I knew there was a jolly fat man watching and I needed to act the part.

Flash forward about twenty years to a slight fear of abandonment. Go figure.

Thanksgiving Day Revenge- Video Turkey Attacks

The turkey in this video has had it with Thanksgiving Day stereotypes.


(link) http://cnn.com/video/?/video/us/2011/10/07/turkey-attacks-producer.kxtv

Dare I say, happy turkey day!

20 to Life (With Time Off for Sharing)

Brace yourselves because I'm about to drop a bomb. Luke received his first time-out in preschool this week. It's taken me several days to come to terms with this enough to write about it. Where did he learn that it was ok to spit? (I blame rap music.)
Believe me when I say that the buck stops here. Today's time-out is tomorrow's juvey, and we all know there's nothing hokey about the pokey.

Baxter's World

I offer you a glimpse into Baxter's world.
A world where the trees are bountiful with squirrels, and tug of war lasts all day.
A world fragrant with the scent of a stale turd.
Where breath is so bad it makes everyone want to stick their head out the window.
A world where it's perfectly acceptable to stand in the Little Harpeth River with your tail upstream, head downstream, and drink while simultaneously urinating.
Where naps are long, the bathroom is anywhere, and a good meal is had by standing under Luke's chair at the kitchen table.
Oh, what a world. We should all be so lucky.

Herman Cain, Creative Finance, and Booby Traps

To do list:

1. Obtain Herman Cain book tour schedule. 
2. Buy copy of This is Herman Cain! My Journey to the White House.
3. Don a low cut blouse.
4. Wait in line to have the book signed. 
5. Get groped. 
6. Wait on vagina chasing Gloria Allred to call me.
7. Deposit check. 

While a five figure settlement isn't enough to live comfortably on, it could certainly help out with Christmas expenses.

I'm Baaaack, And You Thought You Were Safe...

I'm writing to you from the naughty mat. A good blogger wouldn’t have gone a full week without so much as a Luke-ism, but I have a good excuse. I’ve been busy. Last Monday was Halloween, and I had to function as a single parent. My son refused to wear his costume, and when he found one suitable he wouldn’t leave our yard. Instead, he helped me give out candy after he greeted everyone with, “Happy birthday! Welcome to my shed.”

Last minute tiger costume.

Baxter was a turtle.

Thankfully, I saw NO skanky girl costumes this year! Way to hang, Nolensville. I did, however, have to issue a candy penalty to a teenager in black face. After telling him that his costume was racist, I handed him a pack of raisins, and told him to get off my porch. Brantley was so sure we would be egged, but so far so good.  At eight o’clock I gave all of our remaining candy to a vampire, and we headed inside for bath time, and to pack my suitcase.

The next morning I was dropped off at the airport by Brantley and Luke. There was some turbulence during the flight bad enough to cause an overhead bin to open and its contents fall out. For just a moment I regretted having flown on plane that only charged $59. "Where exactly are they cutting corners," I wondered. Luckily, team Xanax was pulling for me, and soon after we landed in Jacksonville. 

I had a brand new niece waiting to meet me in St. Augustine. This is the part where my blogging took a backseat. There was much-needed family time to catch up on, and I reveled in it. I did too many things to mention, some of which included:

• Snuggled my nieces.
• Caught up with my sister-in-law regarding too many things to mention.
• Quality time with eldest niece (almost 14) discussing all things Bieber and Kardashian, and playing hair. There was bonding over dry shampoo.
• Got to hear my eldest niece drop the first ever F-bomb in front of her Mom. (Hilarious. With all of the gasping of air, I’m surprised the baby didn’t turn blue from oxygen deprivation. I later got in trouble (ME!) for having consoled eldest niece with, “Don’t get upset. If you get in big trouble, just tell me. I’ll buy you anything, just don't be sad.")

Shenanigans

So that's what I've been up to. Told you I had a good excuse...