Things a Parent Should Never Have to Say

If you’re a parent, then you know there are things you should never have to tell your kids.  If you don’t have children, then I’m sure you remember hearing something similar from your moms and dads.  I got some help on this post from my friends on Facebook.  If you haven’t connected with me on Facebook or Twitter, there’s no time like the present. 

Here are a few things that should go without saying.

• Why are you eating that worm off the ground?
• We do NOT bite balls.
• We don’t lick doorknobs.
• Come get this snake off my desk.
• Why did you drink that unknown substance out of a cup left in the parking lot?
• Yes, you can sleep with the dust buster, but don't turn it on.
• Please don't lick the chocolate off your hands after touching the toilet seat.
• Don’t bounce on your sister’s head.
• Don't eat the faucet!
• Did you wipe and flush?
• We don't take our pants off in the liquor store.
• Any girl that mounts you on the playground is not the marrying kind. Yes, I understand that it was fun, but she sit's on top of a lot of boys.
• Please take your athletic cup off the kitchen table.  How would you like to eat breakfast with my bra in front of you?

Leigh, Don't Order the Pu Pu Platter!

My baby sis and her boyfriend departed two days ago for China.  I, myself, have never traveled outside of the states, but I had some advice for her nonetheless.

• Don't be surprised if someone hits a gong every time you try to speak. It's just their custom.
• Don't pack baby powder in a zip lock baggy to save room in your suitcase. (Yeah, she's done it before.)
• Don't drink water straight from a river like our genius, eldest sister did in Honduras.  You don't want to be harboring a parasite upon your return home. 
• Don't do anything that could render you spending time in a Chinese prison.  Lifetime movies portray it as being really rough. 

That was all of the knowledge I imparted to her, but I did request she bring me back a souvenir that captured the essence of China, e.g. a headband like Ralph Macchio wore in Karate Kid, a fortune cookie, or a T-shirt that says, "Me love you long time."

Deep Thoughts

If you shoot for the stars and accidentally hit the moon, that makes you a failure.

Luke-isms

Today Luke and I ventured to Whole Foods to have lunch and grab a few grocery items.  After about half an hour, I decided Luke needed to try to potty.  Needless to say, ten minutes later, he had still not gone to the bathroom, but had managed to touch every filthy surface in the room.  I washed his hands in the sink, and then began to wash my own.  At the same time, Luke heard another bathroom patron begin to use the bathroom.  Without a second thought, he immediately stuck his head under the door of her stall and said, "Oh! Good job, sir!"

I scooped him up, with soap still on my hands, and ran out the door.  So, to the lady wearing gray sweatpants and brown Birkenstocks, in the next to last stall at Whole Foods, I apologize.

Brantley-isms

I haven't posted anything in several days because I was a little under the weather, and Brantley had me on a strict technology hiatus while I rested.  As you might imagine, I couldn't have spent that much time relaxing with my family, without hearing one or two Brantley-isms.  I apologize ahead of time for this one.

One night as we sat watching Curious George, I became exasperated.  "Why on earth does the man with the yellow hat keep George around if he constantly messes everything up?"
Brantley spoke quietly so Luke couldn't hear what he said.  "Are you kidding me?  Three words- monkey hand jobs."
"Isn't that two words?" I asked.
"No, I'm pretty sure 'hand' and 'job' are two separate words."
"Hmm, I'm not so sure.  Besides, that's ridiculous."
 He added, "You know, monkeys basically have two sets of hands."
"Ok, enough. Thank you."

I haven't seen that show in the same light since.

Happy Marriage Tips

Life is like a box of dollar store condoms.  You never know what you're going to get.