Luke-isms

I only made one blog post last week, but I had good reason. Brantley was out of town for five days, and well, life got in the way. It can honestly say I don't know how single moms do it. In addition to my regular mom related duties, I was left with Brantley's laundry chores. Because he's a good man, Brantley took over all laundry related tasks about a year ago. It's a very good thing because matching socks makes me want to kill myself. However, five days is a long time to go without washing clothes, so I broke down and did it ( I'm a really good person).

As it turned out, I wasn't the only one with chores to do. The cleaning ladies came on Thursday. They come about every two weeks, and I must say, it's magnificent. No one, however, is ever more excited about it than Luke. He follows them around while asking them questions they can't quite understand, or pointing out things he likes in his Thomas the Train catalog. They think it's cute at first, but after being asked, "Wadies, wadies, whatcha doin?" about forty times it becomes a little taxing.  I do my best to isolate him in one room of the house while they're cleaning, so they can avoid him and work in peace.

One of the ladies is British, and cute as a button. She could honestly say, "dog turd," and I'd think it was the most charming thing I'd ever heard. She was in the bonus room when Luke escaped his quarantine and ran to talk to her. In his most polite voice he asked, "Wady, whatcha doin' in dat room?" She smiled and, in her sweet Brit accent, responded, "I'm folding your blanket."

Luke answered back, "I can't unnerstand you. Hey Mom, I cant unnerstand her. What's dat one saying?"

"Umm, she said she's folding the blanket, Luke. It's time to go to the store," I lied.

"You go, Mom. I stay here with the wadies."

"I don't think so."

Hope you have a safe and happy Memorial Day!!

Dear National Geographic,

Dear National Geographic magazine,

I regret to inform you that I must cancel my subscription. It would appear that I am not mature enough to read your publication, after all. However, with pictures like these, what do you freaking want from me? (Please forgive the image quality. It was the best I could do with my camera phone, and while sitting on the commode.)

All I could think after seeing this was, "Bears Gone Wild."

This is called a Mishmash fish, and it has the most jacked up grill I have ever seen. Not even my oral surgeon could fix this. I'm not sure what country it is from, because unlike my Playboy subscription, I 

only buy National Geographic for the pictures. 

Really? I mean, really? From here on out I will be referring to all penises as sea cucumbers.

...and I only made it to page 52 before Luke heard me laughing and started banging on the door.

Stand-up Comedy Night Cancelled

I'm sorry to anyone this may inconvenience, however, tomorrow night's Adult Comedy Night at Mama's Java has been postponed. So sorry for the unavoidable short notice. As soon as it is rescheduled you will be the first to know. I have a ten minute set raring to go.

A Brantley, and a Luke-ism: Double Your Pleasure

Last night Brantley was continuously not following my orders. It was almost as if he was exercising free will.

Me- "Look, if you want to ride my gravy train, then you're going to have to follow my rules."
Brantley- "And what gravy would we be talking about?"
Me- (I pointed to a paycheck on my dresser.) "That gravy. Booya."
Brantley- "That's not even a giblet."

Later on, Brantley took the front off of Luke's crib to transition into the big boy bed he's about to be getting. We've tried this before and were met with resistance, but I digress. In celebration of this milestone Luke decided to wake up at 5:30 this morning and scream my name until I staggered into his bedroom. He took one look at me and asked, "Mom, is you ashamed? Is you ashamed, Mom?"
I mustered the energy to speak only by imagining a cup of coffee in my hand. "No, Luke, I'm not ashamed. But, it's not even 6am. Give me time."

Date Night

Brantley and I had a date night on Friday. We went to the movies to see Bridesmaids, which was hilarious, and when the movie let out it was pouring down raining. Like a perfect gentleman, Brantley set out to retrieve the car so he could pick me up at the door and I wouldn't have to get wet. (I don't believe in umbrellas, but that's a story for another time.) He pulled up to the sidewalk in front of the theater, reached across the passenger seat, and flung the door open. "Get in!" he shouted, but I didn't...because it wasn't me. A few feet away from me stood a girl wearing an outfit similar to mine, who most likely thought she was about to fall victim to the laziest kidnapper of all time.
I stood watching all of this from afar and, after he realized his error, he pulled up to where I was standing. "Was she not interested?" I asked. "Negative," he responded, "But you'll do."
It was a truly romantic evening.

To Japan With Love

They invented sushi and the Toyota Camry, but we can now also credit Japan with making the first ever Internet kissing machine.  The interactive machine is said to work by moving your tongue around a plastic straw, which in turn makes someone else’s plastic straw wiggle around their tongue.

I know virgins and trekkies all over the world are high fiving each other over dissolving the need to ever come out of their parent’s basement again. But, is this really a good thing?  Me thinks not, Japan.

Just look at Max Weissbrodt, the German inventor of the blow-up doll.  Shortly after releasing his proto-type in 1955 he became a hermit, often refusing to leave his bedroom for weeks on end.  Eventually his wife left him and he went on to live out the rest of his days in obscurity with his eighteen cats.  You could most definitely expect a similar result with your kissing machine.  This scenario would not play out well for your country as a whole, not to mention the effect it would have on the entire world.  As much as I hate to say it, you guys are really good at making stuff, the kind of stuff American consumers want and need.  So do us all a favor and destroy any and all Internet kissing machines at once. 

PS: I especially love the Baby Mop. It really was time for babies to start earning their keep.

Luke-isms

I had just stepped out of the shower and was drying off when Luke wandered into the bathroom. After he stood there staring at me for several seconds I asked, "What's wrong?" He put one hand on his hip and answered, "Nuffin, but you need to put some shoes on."

Events and Appearances

October 17, 2011

Rock and Roll My Soul Event
For my fellow music lovers I have an exciting new event to announce. On September 17th, the Bunganut Pig will be hosting their 25th anniversary bash. Proceeds from the event, Rock and Roll My Soul, will go to  the Musicians Care Network, an organization that provides basic health care services for musicians without health insurance.
The event, emceed by yours truly, kicks off at 11am and will go until after midnight. This outdoor concert is open to the public, and you can expect a talented lineup of notable singer/songwriters, family friendly atmosphere, petting zoo, hula hoop contests, and really great food.
Can't wait to see you there!


May 21, 2011

(UPDATE: This event has been postponed due to unavoidable circumstances. I will let you know when it is rescheduled. Thank you for understanding, and I am SO sorry for the short notice.) 
Two things I never thought would happen- Osama bin Laden is dead, and I'm doing stand-up comedy.
After a little twisting of my arm, I have resolved to try my hand at live performance. Come out to Mama's Java coffee shop on May 21st to see me in stand-up comedic mode, or don't. I'm not pushy. Show starts at 6:30. Arrive early to get a seat, and don't bring the kids.


Comedy Night @ Mama's Java
Saturday May 21st at 6:30pm
7177 Nolensville Rd  
Nolensville, TN

November 13, 2010

Book Signing!

Nolensville Feedmill

2-5pm

7280 Nolensville Rd.

Nolensville, TN 37135

(click here to view the Feedmill website.)

November 20, 2010

Book Signing!

Eclipse Coffee and Books

2-4pm

1032 Main Street

Montevallo, AL 35115