Dancing With the Stars: Wardrobe Status and Smelly Flatus

The ABC Network has hit the jackpot with Dancing With the Stars contestant, Nancy Grace. After her nipple slip last week she took the advice of a former contestant, and instead of retreating she reloaded in a BIG WAY.

Nancy has become a ratings cash cow because millions of people will be tuning in to ABC to see what she does next!! The possibilities are endless and the suspense is killing me.

Against All Odds: A Harrowing Tale of Vacation, Marriage, and Pancakes

I had a rough night with Luke last night, and as a result I didn't get much sleep. Brantley and I are alternating sleeping in Luke's bed with him while we're on vacation, and he struggles through a little nightmare phase. If a million reasons just popped into your head on why this is a bad idea, just keep it to yourself because we each get a good night sleep every other night. All was well until 4:30 this morning when I started feeling a tap tap tapping on my shoulder.

"Hey Mom, it's me, Wucas. I need a snack."
"Go back to sleep," I mustered through gritted teeth.
"But I'm so hawngry. It's morning time."
"No, it isn't."
"Mom, you be kiddin' me."

This went on for quite some time before I finally turned on Tom and Jerry to pacify him before going back to sleep. I have no idea how much time passed, but some time later I heard Brantley's thunderous footsteps coming down the hall. Luke greeted him sweetly with, "Good morning, Dad. Mom won't wake up and it's morning time."

I could hear Brantley make his way toward me. I pulled the covers off of my head with my standard growl and hiss. (It's imperative that I exert my dominance early on in the day, otherwise Brantley spends a whole day feeling drunk with power.)

"I brought you something," he said.

There before me was a pancake and bacon breakfast with a cup of coffee. This was an especially sweet gesture considering Brantley version 2.0 doesn't eat pancakes or drink coffee. He had done it all for me. I was almost speechless. All I could think to say was, "I'm sorry for cussing at you in my head."

Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, and I certainly don't want to jinx anything, but after eight years together I'm starting to think this marriage just may work.

My boys

With a new train and giant lollipop it's obvious who is REALLY drunk with power.

Guest Blogger, Brantley Wescott

The leaves are falling off the trees and the weather has begun to cool off. For many people the month of October is synonymous with their favorite time of year. It also marks the time of year that people commemorate their favorite cause, American Pharmacists Month. I would like to thank you in advance for the cards and letters of thanks that my fellow comrades and I will be receiving over the next 31 days.

Keep in mind that we work tirelessly to read your doctor's handwriting, count by fives until we get to thirty (sometimes even ninety), and say over and over again, "Yes, it really DOES cost that much even with your insurance."

You're appreciation won't go unnoticed. Please go to your local pharmacy, give your pharmacist a hug, and tell them that in honor of American Pharmacists Month you would like to register for the Free Ambien Giveaway. You'll be glad you did.

Sincerely,

Brantley L. Wescott, PharmD

Riding, Resting and Relaxation

I’m glad to be writing to you from sunny Destin, FL where the Wescott three are enjoying a little R&R. Luke has been living it up pretty hard which has required Brantley and I to check him a few times. One instance was over a comment he made to some pedestrians while we were driving the golf cart. Brantley poignantly explained to him why it wasn’t alright to say, “Get out of the way of my Jeep!”

This morning I wasn’t feeling like going for a run so I opted to ride a bike to the Baytowne Wharf and back to the house. Historically speaking, my bike riding skills are less than stellar, but I hung in there and completed my journey. The best part was when Brantley and Luke pulled up alongside me in the golf cart and Luke shouted, “Mom, you’re on a bike? You be kiddin’ me, right?” I would've responded with something snarky if I hadn't been panting so hard. Afterwards, I collapsed into the jacuzzi and shouted for Brantley to, "Fix me a milkshake!"

I think that’s the first time I have pedaled anything since a spin class instructor politely asked me to leave her class because she thought I was going to faint. However, after today I may be changing my Christmas wish list from Segway to bike. (Although, I still really, really, really want a Segway. No pressure.)

90's on 9

Satellite radio is my latest addiction. I blame all of you for not persuading me to get it sooner. In addition to a 24/7 stand up comedy station, there’s a channel called 90’s on 9, and it is a major blast from my middle/high school past.

I’d like to share with you a few of the gems I’ve heard lately.

(http://youtu.be/OHzkICG47LU)

This video was the inspiration for Simon Cowell’s fade.

(http://youtu.be/1plPyJdXKIY)

I was not aware that Nate Dogg was no longer with us. It's a good thing all doggs go to heaven, yo.

(http://youtu.be/uIbXvaE39wM)

Wilson Phillips. No explanation necessary.

(http://youtu.be/UBEOyuTOxx8)

My favorite part of this video is the fried chicken buffet at 3:13. Prison food looks good, licky boom-boom down. 

(http://youtu.be/OHzkICG47LU

Luke-isms

I was getting dressed today when Luke stomped into my closet. "Gratulations, Ladies and gentlemen! I ate ALLLL the toothpaste!"
Wonderful.

Consider My Soul Rocked...And Rolled

Saturday's Rock and Roll Your Soul event was tons of fun. The talent was endless, and I only got my emcee hand spanked a couple of times for confusing the raffle with the drawing. They were NOT the same thing. The drawing was what you entered every time you bought a draft beer. The same gentleman won the drawing several times (which had less to do with luck, and more to do with the ridiculous amount of beer he consumed). Raffle tickets were two dollars apiece and went straight to the Musician's Care Network. Twenty-four hours later the distinction is much more obvious, but you know what they say about hindsight.

The Red House Band

Live music + a petting zoo =  Heaven for one Luke Wescott
...And he won movie tickets in the raffle (NOT the drawing...it's different!!)

Hula hooping is trendy again, and my friend Anna is not only a master at hooping, she also made all of the hoops you see there. Very talented gal.

This is the musical phenomenon known as Sam and Luke.

Who WERE the Jonas brothers, anyway?
These two fellas are amazing singer/song-writer/guitarists...

It was really obvious how much they liked me. I was like, "I guess I'll hold your  guitar." 

It turned out to be a wonderful day, and I was so honored to meet and introduce great artists hour after hour. I was also honored to say, "The beer and hotdog carts are up and running. You can get draft beer for three dollars and a hotdog, chips, and a canned drink for five dollars."

PS: You should run (not walk) to iTunes and purchase Sam and Luke's song, It's Not Like You're Breaking My Heart. I'm pretty sure it's about me. 

Luke-isms

Luke accompanied me to my yearly physical on Monday. Bad idea. He was casual and cool as we entered the waiting room still sporting his Lightning McQueen sunglasses, and carrying a milkshake. He slowly surveyed the crowd before finally announcing, "Somefing smells phony in here!" I corrected him despite the fact that it was a pretty astute observation.
"Try not to breathe too deeply," I told him.

After a twenty minute wait we were ushered back to the exam room to wait some more, but Luke decided he needed to go to the bathroom. When we're at home this isn't a huge deal, but in a public restroom it becomes a nightmare. He absolutely CAN'T go without taking off ALL of his clothes. Also, being in the ONLY bathroom designated for patients, there were knocks at the door every fifteen seconds from people needing to pee in a cup. With every knock Luke lost his concentration, which was apparently essential. I was desperate to speed things along which meant I had to stand with my back turned AND my eyes closed.

Finally, he was finished, but as I began getting him dressed he slipped away and went running through the office in only a T-shirt and boxer briefs as he laughed hysterically. I wrangled him, and we made it back to the exam room to find out that I had been skipped over for the next patient and would have to wait some more. So we sat in the cold exam room awhile longer while he pointed out every rectangle in the room. There were twelve.

The doctor eventually came in, felt me up with her cold hands, poked me with a needle, and told me how cute and charming my kid was, all of which took no longer than five minutes.

"Thank you," I replied. "Now, can you refill my Xanax?"