Herman Cain, Creative Finance, and Booby Traps

To do list:

1. Obtain Herman Cain book tour schedule. 
2. Buy copy of This is Herman Cain! My Journey to the White House.
3. Don a low cut blouse.
4. Wait in line to have the book signed. 
5. Get groped. 
6. Wait on vagina chasing Gloria Allred to call me.
7. Deposit check. 

While a five figure settlement isn't enough to live comfortably on, it could certainly help out with Christmas expenses.

I'm Baaaack, And You Thought You Were Safe...

I'm writing to you from the naughty mat. A good blogger wouldn’t have gone a full week without so much as a Luke-ism, but I have a good excuse. I’ve been busy. Last Monday was Halloween, and I had to function as a single parent. My son refused to wear his costume, and when he found one suitable he wouldn’t leave our yard. Instead, he helped me give out candy after he greeted everyone with, “Happy birthday! Welcome to my shed.”

Last minute tiger costume.

Baxter was a turtle.

Thankfully, I saw NO skanky girl costumes this year! Way to hang, Nolensville. I did, however, have to issue a candy penalty to a teenager in black face. After telling him that his costume was racist, I handed him a pack of raisins, and told him to get off my porch. Brantley was so sure we would be egged, but so far so good.  At eight o’clock I gave all of our remaining candy to a vampire, and we headed inside for bath time, and to pack my suitcase.

The next morning I was dropped off at the airport by Brantley and Luke. There was some turbulence during the flight bad enough to cause an overhead bin to open and its contents fall out. For just a moment I regretted having flown on plane that only charged $59. "Where exactly are they cutting corners," I wondered. Luckily, team Xanax was pulling for me, and soon after we landed in Jacksonville. 

I had a brand new niece waiting to meet me in St. Augustine. This is the part where my blogging took a backseat. There was much-needed family time to catch up on, and I reveled in it. I did too many things to mention, some of which included:

• Snuggled my nieces.
• Caught up with my sister-in-law regarding too many things to mention.
• Quality time with eldest niece (almost 14) discussing all things Bieber and Kardashian, and playing hair. There was bonding over dry shampoo.
• Got to hear my eldest niece drop the first ever F-bomb in front of her Mom. (Hilarious. With all of the gasping of air, I’m surprised the baby didn’t turn blue from oxygen deprivation. I later got in trouble (ME!) for having consoled eldest niece with, “Don’t get upset. If you get in big trouble, just tell me. I’ll buy you anything, just don't be sad.")

Shenanigans

So that's what I've been up to. Told you I had a good excuse...

Acne & Ignorance- A Dangerous Combo

I’ve joked before about my Terminal End Stage Acne Disease (TESAD), and while that was a bit of an exaggeration (and perhaps a made up disease) I’m still a thirty-one year old with the complexion of a fifteen year old.

My dermatologist has opted to put me on Accutane, which is a medication with serious implications to a fetus, should you become pregnant. I’m not at risk for pregnancy for reasons that are none of your business, but the FDA wants to make doubly sure that no one gets pregnant while on this medication. In addition to the rigorous hoops you have to jump through to prove you aren’t pregnant, you are also required to sign more paperwork than required for buying a house.

My favorite part of this whole process is making sure that everyone knows what causes pregnancy in a booklet called, Separating the Myths from the Facts. I do realize that the majority of people who take this medication are teens, but I was greatly disturbed to realize what some of today’s myths are. I’ll share a few with you. Keep in mind the language used is targeted toward teenagers.

Myth:

• You cannot get pregnant if you do it standing up.
• You cannot get pregnant if you have sex underwater.
• “My partner said he is sterile because he had mumps, and he hasn’t gotten anyone else pregnant.”
• Sexually active means you have to move during sex. If I do not move, I cannot get pregnant. (My personal favorite. This particular myth makes me want to find a teenager and punch them in the gonads.)

If today’s youth actually subscribe to these myths, then they have problems far worse than acne to attend to. This is why there is a show called 16 and Pregnant. Maybe somewhere there is a chemist coming up with an acne treatment that also causes sterility. 

Politely Rude- A Luke-ism

I've never claimed to be a good singer, but I didn't realize just how bad I was until last night. I was lying down with Luke as I belted out When You Wish Upon a Star. I paused briefly between verses, and Luke took the opportunity to beg, "May I pwease, pwease, stop hearing you sing?"

And the Winner Is...

Thanks to all of you who posted comments, and reposted details of the giveaway. Believe it or not, comments and followers are a big part of what I'm judged on in the eyes of a literary agent/publisher. Please, keep them coming and look for future giveaways.

The winner of the Pampered Chef giveaway to Help Whip Breast Cancer is...Carrie!

Thanks again for visiting Molly Wright's Pampered Chef website, and keep her in mind for your PC needs.

It Isn't Fall Unless You're at the Pumpkin Patch

Brantley finally had a day off so we used it to take Luke to the pumpkin patch. Luke had a wonderful time petting the animals, while I sampled the wares. It was a very good day considering Luke had been up ALL night after Brantley fed him 72% Cacao at bedtime. Brantley now understands why that wasn't a good idea, and that if it ever happens again the Police will have to carry me to jail.

Where's Luke?

Funnel cake. Nom nom nom nom.

Petting a cow with Dad.

Favorite goat. You hear that, Santa?

I've got a really bad feeling about that sheep with the blue X on it...

After leaving the pumpkin patch we went to lunch at O'Charley's. They really put the O' in, "Oh my God, are you sure this isn't Shoney's." 

***Remember folks, the Pampered Chef giveaway ends October 27th. For your chance to win, click HERE and go through the steps (1. Follow the blog  2. Post a comment saying which PC item was your favorite  3. (optional) Post the links of Facebook or Twitter.)***

Loripalooza Hosts Pampered Chef Giveaway

Loripalooza is teaming up with independent Pampered Chef consultant, Molly Wright to bring you some limited edition pink products available for the month of October only. Every time you purchase one of their Help Whip Cancer products, Pampered Chef will donate $1 to the American Cancer Society.

How can I enter to win?

Go to Molly’s personal Pampered Chef link by clicking HERE. After you browse, post a comment on Loripalooza telling me what your favorite Pampered Chef item is, or which you would like most.

(You have to be a follower to post a comment, which can be done by clicking HERE. It’s quick and painless.)

You can also be entered once for each time you

• mention on Twitter, “Loripalooza hosts Pampered Chef #giveaway @Loriwescott http://bit.ly/ny2pQv"
• mention on Facebook, “Loripalooza hosts Pampered Chef Giveaway. http://bit.ly/ny2pQv", and tag me so I’ll see it.

What could I win?

Pink Bar Board and Knife

Dots Microfiber Towel

...a $24 value with shipping!! Winner gets both items.

***Contest ends October 27th!! You only have six days. Go!!!***

Dance Off

On nights when Brantley works late, Luke (3) and I like to have after-dinner dance parties. Here's a video of one such party. The role of Scooby Doo is played by Luke. The role of Scooby's personal trainer is played by me.

I was disturbed the first time I watched this and realized that I call out instructions better than a mom on Toddlers and Tiaras.

(Background music by Bel Div Devoe.)

Crank Calls

There have been times when my crank calls have gone terribly wrong. Those are stories for another day, but suffice it to say I haven't learned my lesson. Crank calling Brantley at work is one of my favorite pass times, and some would argue (ok, just me) that it's a legitimate hobby. When crank calling gets recognized as an Olympic sport I will wave my gold medallion in your faces.

The art of CC'ing requires a good bit of work. There are disguised voices involved, not to mention the back story and the slightly ridiculous request or complaint I will call with. Up to ten minutes can be spent at one time just to get lucky enough for Brantley to answer the phone. When I hear the voice on the other line say, "This is Brantley. May I help you?" that's when I pounce.

The following conversation occurred two days ago.

Brantley- "This is Brantley. May I help you?"
Redneck lady- "You sure may. This is Eunice Petty. Do you all sell Massengill?"
Brantley- "Only by the gallon."

At that point the line went dead and I can only assume that he hung up. We haven't had a chance to discuss it since then, but I'm fairly certain he knew it was me. I will spend some time this week cultivating my character a bit more. Perhaps she wears a hat, or sounds a little more downtrodden. One thing is certain, and that is Eunice Irene Petty better be receiving her gallons worth of feminine care.

Luke-isms

Brantley and I are a little leery when it comes to exposing Luke (3) to computer/video games. We realize that there are valuable motor skills learned with some games, but for the most part they just fill up spans of time that should be spent playing outside. Don't worry. We aren't going to let Luke be the odd kid that shows up for the first day of school and says, "What's a video game?" So he's allowed to play certain ones that are deemed educational.

He and I were playing one such game yesterday. The premise of the game is to count apples, and thus help you practice counting. I noticed that he had gotten pretty good. He added one plus one, and one plus two. Then he got confident. He clicked six apples plus three more. He got discouraged and shook his head.

"It's ok, Luke. Let's think about this. What do you get if you have six apples, then you add three more?"
"A big mess. Wet's go outside."

(Keith Glines photography)