20 to Life (With Time Off for Sharing)

Brace yourselves because I'm about to drop a bomb. Luke received his first time-out in preschool this week. It's taken me several days to come to terms with this enough to write about it. Where did he learn that it was ok to spit? (I blame rap music.)
Believe me when I say that the buck stops here. Today's time-out is tomorrow's juvey, and we all know there's nothing hokey about the pokey.

Baxter's World

I offer you a glimpse into Baxter's world.
A world where the trees are bountiful with squirrels, and tug of war lasts all day.
A world fragrant with the scent of a stale turd.
Where breath is so bad it makes everyone want to stick their head out the window.
A world where it's perfectly acceptable to stand in the Little Harpeth River with your tail upstream, head downstream, and drink while simultaneously urinating.
Where naps are long, the bathroom is anywhere, and a good meal is had by standing under Luke's chair at the kitchen table.
Oh, what a world. We should all be so lucky.

Herman Cain, Creative Finance, and Booby Traps

To do list:

1. Obtain Herman Cain book tour schedule. 
2. Buy copy of This is Herman Cain! My Journey to the White House.
3. Don a low cut blouse.
4. Wait in line to have the book signed. 
5. Get groped. 
6. Wait on vagina chasing Gloria Allred to call me.
7. Deposit check. 

While a five figure settlement isn't enough to live comfortably on, it could certainly help out with Christmas expenses.

I'm Baaaack, And You Thought You Were Safe...

I'm writing to you from the naughty mat. A good blogger wouldn’t have gone a full week without so much as a Luke-ism, but I have a good excuse. I’ve been busy. Last Monday was Halloween, and I had to function as a single parent. My son refused to wear his costume, and when he found one suitable he wouldn’t leave our yard. Instead, he helped me give out candy after he greeted everyone with, “Happy birthday! Welcome to my shed.”

Last minute tiger costume.

Baxter was a turtle.

Thankfully, I saw NO skanky girl costumes this year! Way to hang, Nolensville. I did, however, have to issue a candy penalty to a teenager in black face. After telling him that his costume was racist, I handed him a pack of raisins, and told him to get off my porch. Brantley was so sure we would be egged, but so far so good.  At eight o’clock I gave all of our remaining candy to a vampire, and we headed inside for bath time, and to pack my suitcase.

The next morning I was dropped off at the airport by Brantley and Luke. There was some turbulence during the flight bad enough to cause an overhead bin to open and its contents fall out. For just a moment I regretted having flown on plane that only charged $59. "Where exactly are they cutting corners," I wondered. Luckily, team Xanax was pulling for me, and soon after we landed in Jacksonville. 

I had a brand new niece waiting to meet me in St. Augustine. This is the part where my blogging took a backseat. There was much-needed family time to catch up on, and I reveled in it. I did too many things to mention, some of which included:

• Snuggled my nieces.
• Caught up with my sister-in-law regarding too many things to mention.
• Quality time with eldest niece (almost 14) discussing all things Bieber and Kardashian, and playing hair. There was bonding over dry shampoo.
• Got to hear my eldest niece drop the first ever F-bomb in front of her Mom. (Hilarious. With all of the gasping of air, I’m surprised the baby didn’t turn blue from oxygen deprivation. I later got in trouble (ME!) for having consoled eldest niece with, “Don’t get upset. If you get in big trouble, just tell me. I’ll buy you anything, just don't be sad.")

Shenanigans

So that's what I've been up to. Told you I had a good excuse...

Acne & Ignorance- A Dangerous Combo

I’ve joked before about my Terminal End Stage Acne Disease (TESAD), and while that was a bit of an exaggeration (and perhaps a made up disease) I’m still a thirty-one year old with the complexion of a fifteen year old.

My dermatologist has opted to put me on Accutane, which is a medication with serious implications to a fetus, should you become pregnant. I’m not at risk for pregnancy for reasons that are none of your business, but the FDA wants to make doubly sure that no one gets pregnant while on this medication. In addition to the rigorous hoops you have to jump through to prove you aren’t pregnant, you are also required to sign more paperwork than required for buying a house.

My favorite part of this whole process is making sure that everyone knows what causes pregnancy in a booklet called, Separating the Myths from the Facts. I do realize that the majority of people who take this medication are teens, but I was greatly disturbed to realize what some of today’s myths are. I’ll share a few with you. Keep in mind the language used is targeted toward teenagers.

Myth:

• You cannot get pregnant if you do it standing up.
• You cannot get pregnant if you have sex underwater.
• “My partner said he is sterile because he had mumps, and he hasn’t gotten anyone else pregnant.”
• Sexually active means you have to move during sex. If I do not move, I cannot get pregnant. (My personal favorite. This particular myth makes me want to find a teenager and punch them in the gonads.)

If today’s youth actually subscribe to these myths, then they have problems far worse than acne to attend to. This is why there is a show called 16 and Pregnant. Maybe somewhere there is a chemist coming up with an acne treatment that also causes sterility. 

Politely Rude- A Luke-ism

I've never claimed to be a good singer, but I didn't realize just how bad I was until last night. I was lying down with Luke as I belted out When You Wish Upon a Star. I paused briefly between verses, and Luke took the opportunity to beg, "May I pwease, pwease, stop hearing you sing?"

And the Winner Is...

Thanks to all of you who posted comments, and reposted details of the giveaway. Believe it or not, comments and followers are a big part of what I'm judged on in the eyes of a literary agent/publisher. Please, keep them coming and look for future giveaways.

The winner of the Pampered Chef giveaway to Help Whip Breast Cancer is...Carrie!

Thanks again for visiting Molly Wright's Pampered Chef website, and keep her in mind for your PC needs.