Luke-isms

Luke (3 yrs old) accompanied me to a doctor's appointment last week. I've been working on teaching him elevator etiquette, but to someone who doesn't understand boundaries it isn't an easy thing to learn. I let him push the up button and we waited on the elevator to arrive on our floor. "Is there anybody on it?" he asked.
"I don't know. We'll have to see. Do you remember what to do when the door opens?"
"Oh, yes. I wemember." The door opened and Luke stood calmly as everyone got off. "See, Mom I waited for eberyone to get off first," he said.
"Great job, buddy." We walked into the elevator and were followed by a lady pushing a stroller. "What fwoor you going to?" Luke asked the lady. "Two, please," she replied. I could tell he was quite proud of himself, and as I suspected he continued to talk. "My name is Wucas and I'm free years old. This is my fwiend, Mom. She's sixty-one."
"Wow, Mom," she replied. "You look great for sixty-one."
I flipped my hair with a little swagger. "Well, I hate to brag, but that isn't the first time I've been told that."
Luke decided to continue talking on what was beginning to feel like the longest elevator ride of my life. "Sometimes I call her Gwandma."

After Christmas Delirium Video

What happens when your child, who got everything he could possibly want for Christmas, finds a wrapped Christmas gift intended for someone else? He and his best friend do a little scheming and open it.
Before you go thinking that I'm a horrible Mom for recording this, you should know that I only turned on the camera after the crying had become way beyond ridiculous.

(If you have trouble viewing the video, here is the link- http://youtu.be/Pjk4zGkpB9M)

Luke's friend, Evan, is crying because he's afraid he's in trouble. Luke is crying because he just found out that he can't keep the gift.

Marital Banter

The phone rang this morning and it was my husband.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know that the doctor is going to take this thing off my face, and there will be a few stitches," he said.

"What thing? I didn't know there was a thing. I thought you were at work."

"Well, you should pay better attention."

I could tell from his tone he was nervous."Wait," I said. "Are you at my plastic surgeon's office? Ask him if he got our Christmas card."

"He did. I'm looking at it right now."

"Oh, good. Tell him that if anything happens during your procedure they can go ahead and pull the plug. Hello. Hello??"

Rude.

I chose this photo because the photographer had forced us to hold hands, and the awkwardness is palpable. Brantley actually said the words, "Please make it stop."

Christmas Fantasy Land (with photos)

Picture if you will, a magical holiday world full of excitement and wonder, of beautiful twinkling lights and amazing Christmas spirit. Now, stop imagining that because that's not what I'm here to talk about.
In the deep, dark woods of a rural Alabama trailer park lies a place known as Christmas Fantasy Land. The trailer park is aptly named "Shady Acres,"and therein lies a home occupied by a family named Blackmon.
Every year this family hosts a redneck feast for the eyes in the way of Christmas decorations. There you can find Santa's sleigh atop the Nativity, and a ferris wheel next to an homage to Bonnie and Clyde.  My girlfriends and I have a tradition of going to this place every year, and 2011 was no exception. It's hard to put this experience into words, but I will briefly try before showing the photos.
This year they had Snoopy and the Grinch alongside an oddly placed patriotic setup. There was an ice skating rink next to a multi-cultural display. There was a native American display near a country-line dancing scenario. (I never realized how much that group like to mingle.) To top it all off there was a stray cat that followed us around, that of all things, my son named, "Shame." Ironic considering that's what all of the adults felt for being there.
Enjoy the photos, but don't try to make sense of them. You'll get a migraine. There is also a poem at the end inspired by Twas the Night Before Christmas. It's a must read.

In all sincerity, our kids thought this place was amazing. 

Sign that displayed, "Only OR days 'till Christmas."

Not sure what this is. Possible moon landing. Possible 9-11 tribute. All I know is that they're wearing rain coats and football helmets.

Santa's Ho-Down

Because nothing says, "thank you," to the troops like free-hand acrylic paint on plywood.

My friend Mary Beth with a semi-inflated Grinch

No idea what's going on here. Pretty sure that's an igloo in the background.  Possible Middle Eastern theme going on...

My son with Shame admiring the wonderment of CFL. (You can interpret that a couple different ways.)

My friend Loren Leigh (LL) posing with the CFL newly upgraded sign. It used to be written in Sharpie on a piece of cardboard.

This was on the front porch. There are no words for this, but we were ALL photographed with it.

All aboard the Christmas Fantasy Land Express. Traveling non-stop to the WIC line. 

There was some Disney action happening here. Walt would be proud.

We also did a little Tebowing. Little did she know, MB was kneeling in dog poo. 

Ode to Christmas Fantasy Land

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Shady Acres trailer park

Some creatures were stirring out there in the dark.

Colored lights were hung from the clothesline with care

In hopes that spectators soon would be there. 

The Blackmons were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of meth-labs danced in their heads.

And Lori in her sweater, and LL in glitter shoes

laughed in the van while Mary Beth "tebowed" in poo.

Then out of the van there arose such a clatter

So they sprang to the window to see what was the matter.

Like a flash from the van to the front porch they flew,

and posed with our sign, "In memory of Ma-Ma. We love you."

From the steps of the porch they had quite a ball,

Then dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all.

They spoke not a word when a sign did display

In tensil and Sharpie, "God Bless the USA."

And placing their hands across their laughing mouths

They emitted chuckles heard all over the south.

They sprang back to the van and sped off in the dark

And threw up gravel all through the trailer park.

And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,

"Lock the doors so we all don't get murdered tonight."

Opryland Hotel Adventure

Our holiday cheer got a kick start over the last few days as we immersed ourselves in the grandeur that is the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. We visited the Dreamworks Madagascar Ice exhibit which was amazing in its own right. The giant ice slides at the end were a favorite of Brantley and Luke. I stayed far, far away from that slide. I was NOT going to break my by nose crashing into a block of ice.

Brantley enjoying the slide

Inside the ice exhibit it was a frigid eight degrees.  Some people wanted to take their time and see everything, but a quick walk through would've been good enough for me.  To my dismay, Luke was being defiant and Brantley decided to place him in timeout right then and there.  Considering the temperature I wondered who was REALLY being punished.

Time out

After the ice exhibit, we went back over to the hotel where Luke got to meet Po from Kung Fu Panda, Alex the lion, and King Julian from Madagascar, Shrek, Princess Fiona, and Puss in Boots. It was very magical, indeed. Luke also sat in Santa's lap and told him what he wanted for Christmas.

Puss in Boots with Luke

Santa was inquiring about those fancy shoes. 

MY favorite part of the trip would've been the beautiful hotel itself. If you've never been, it's worth the drive. Waterfalls, rivers, and tropical plants combined with streets of shopping, and restaurants, all under the same roof. We ate at the Jack Daniels restaurant after hearing very good things about it.  Two of the items I ordered off the menu plainly stated that they contained lard, to which I replied, "Yes, and yes. Thankyouverymuch!" A couple of hours later I was haunted by the ghost of my gallbladder, but it was totally worth it. Totally. Worth. It.

Out of everything he encountered on our stay, Luke's most favorite thing was the phone in out hotel room.  "Wook, Mom! It gots a cord."

Hope you're all making wonderful holiday memories with your loved ones. Merry Christmas!!

Luke-isms

This week Luke tried out a couple different gymnastics venues. The first place we went was not great to say the least, but Luke took it all in stride. Wanting to get an idea of what Luke could, and couldn't do the female instructor asked him to sit on the floor in a straddle position. Having no idea what  that meant, but not wanting to admit it, Luke raised his hand and interrupted her with, "Excuse me, sir, I cannot do a full straddle position because my wegs are too short."
Way to play it cool.

Pants On the Ground

Luke (3 yrs old) seems to be going through a stripper phase.  I can turn my back for one minute only to find that he has completely disrobed in record time. I try to choose my battles wisely so I only make an issue of it if we have company coming over. However, there is just no preparing for a random knock at the door.
Case in point, Daniel, the handsome exterminator, came by a couple of days ago to call on me (or treat our house for bugs, whatever). Luke walked up and said, "Hi," to which he responded, "Well, look who's got pants on!"

Jingle Bells by Luke (Video)

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, all for the way

Oh what fun Christmas

Oh jingle...

Jingle bells, Jingle bells, all for the way

Oh, what Christmas jingle bells are!"

(If you're having trouble viewing this on your mobile device click HERE.)