The Devil Wears Osh-Kosh

I was so excited when Luke (3 yrs old) learned to talk. I remember thinking, "When, oh when will it happen?" but gone are those days. In their place I have been left with Mr. Comeback. This snarky little fella always has to have the last word. If there is a button to be pushed, rest assured he will find it and mash it until it's broken. I can't blame myself for everything he's learned. After all, what kind of wife would I be if I didn't blame my husband for 99% of my son's bad behavior?
My dear husband, Brantley, introduced Luke to Looney Tunes. It seemed harmless enough at the time, until Luke discovered Fog Horn Leg Horn, and I say, I say that chicken has one smart mouth on him. Luke usually has a hard time interpreting exactly what this character is saying, but the sentiment is the same. Case in point, I was told yesterday to" keep your big mouse shot." I gave him exactly two warnings before introducing him to a bar of lemon glycerin soap. Now, before you go calling me a child abuser, let me say that it's organic, and therefore healthier than a Happy Meal (which by the way, I would NEVER let my son eat), AND it's not like he's belching bubbles. I guess you could say that my method worked because he hasn't repeated the phrase since. He did, however, ask me to go snipe hunting last night. I'm pretty sure he's plotting revenge.

Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds- Album Giveaway!!

She has been called, "Country Music's first painted lady." Mitzi Dawn is a well-known songwriter in the country music industry, and is soon to be releasing her first solo album on Valentine's Day. The album, Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds is labeled as Americana, but if that doesn't ring a bell for you, think folk-ternative.

Loripalooza is going to be giving away her album BEFORE it's available for purchase. All you have to do is leave a comment on the blog (email replies don't count, sorry) with the words,
"I want Mitzi Dawn's album, Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds."

Easy enough. Five lucky winners will be chosen at random and receive the album in the mail.
The contest ends January 22, 2012.

After watching the video, my sister asked, "Is that really her boyfriend?" The answer is no. Mitzi is actually engaged to someone much better looking, who is also an AMAZING, classically trained violinist. 

If you'd like to know more about her, and her journey toward this album, click HERE to read the article I wrote for the Murfreesboro News Press. Did you click it? I'll know if you didn't.

Motherhood and The White Powder

I like to talk a big game. I try to portray myself as a super Mom who doesn't take any flack from her three and a half year old, but it's time for me to come clean. It is with great disappointment that I admit to you today that I'm not as awesome as you thought. I'll pause briefly while you catch your breath.
The truth is I'm as imperfect as my son. While I don't necessarily flood the house, or ride our dog, I certainly have ugly moments. One such moment came two days ago when Luke was being reprimanded. He looked right at my face, and with his sweet little duck lips said, "I don't wike you." Normal Lori would've ignored him, and walked away, but I wasn't normal Lori that day. I was sleep deprived Lori, and sleep deprived Lori said, "Backatcha, punk." He thought it was funny, but still, not my best moment.

However, yesterday I may have redeemed myself in all aspects of motherhood with a little help from my friends. The past few weeks Luke has been experiencing nightmares. He wakes up screaming several times a night, usually four or five times hence sleep-deprived Lori, requiring me to comfort and sit with him until he goes back to sleep. When the sun came up yesterday morning I was finished. I knew I couldn't do this another night. I decided to make a few calls, and put into play what some would call a big, fat white lie.

I made two calls. The first was to Elizabeth, the nurse at his pediatrician's office, and the second was to Cheryl, the pharmacy technician at CVS. Because they are awesome, they were both on board with my plan. I walked Luke into his doctor's office, and he immediately began spilling his guts to Candi, the receptionist. "Miss Candi, I got some bad dweams about the scary bear, and the wolf. They locked-ed me in a cage and I got wost." I know, right? I'd be scared too.

Elizabeth called us back and explained to Luke that she was writing a prescription for some Magical Dream Dust that would keep away all bad dreams. Luke listened intently as she explained how to use it. "You shake it at bedtime, and sprinkle it around your bed."

Our next step was to go to CVS and get our "prescription" filled.  On the way there I prayed a little prayer, "Please God, don't let me get pulled over with a zip lock baggy of baby powder in my front seat." Cheryl met us at the drive through window where I passed her the Rx along with the bag of goods. She returned a minute or so later, and explained how it would keep the scary bear and wolf away. Luke bought it hook, line and sinker.

When bed time came around last night he helped me sprinkle magic dust all around his bed. I still had to sit in the room with him, but he finally went to sleep on his own, without crying a bucket of tears. Awesomeness. Many thanks to all who were involved.

(Photo by Keith Glines)

Luke-isms

Luke (3 yrs old) accompanied me to a doctor's appointment last week. I've been working on teaching him elevator etiquette, but to someone who doesn't understand boundaries it isn't an easy thing to learn. I let him push the up button and we waited on the elevator to arrive on our floor. "Is there anybody on it?" he asked.
"I don't know. We'll have to see. Do you remember what to do when the door opens?"
"Oh, yes. I wemember." The door opened and Luke stood calmly as everyone got off. "See, Mom I waited for eberyone to get off first," he said.
"Great job, buddy." We walked into the elevator and were followed by a lady pushing a stroller. "What fwoor you going to?" Luke asked the lady. "Two, please," she replied. I could tell he was quite proud of himself, and as I suspected he continued to talk. "My name is Wucas and I'm free years old. This is my fwiend, Mom. She's sixty-one."
"Wow, Mom," she replied. "You look great for sixty-one."
I flipped my hair with a little swagger. "Well, I hate to brag, but that isn't the first time I've been told that."
Luke decided to continue talking on what was beginning to feel like the longest elevator ride of my life. "Sometimes I call her Gwandma."

After Christmas Delirium Video

What happens when your child, who got everything he could possibly want for Christmas, finds a wrapped Christmas gift intended for someone else? He and his best friend do a little scheming and open it.
Before you go thinking that I'm a horrible Mom for recording this, you should know that I only turned on the camera after the crying had become way beyond ridiculous.

(If you have trouble viewing the video, here is the link- http://youtu.be/Pjk4zGkpB9M)

Luke's friend, Evan, is crying because he's afraid he's in trouble. Luke is crying because he just found out that he can't keep the gift.

Marital Banter

The phone rang this morning and it was my husband.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know that the doctor is going to take this thing off my face, and there will be a few stitches," he said.

"What thing? I didn't know there was a thing. I thought you were at work."

"Well, you should pay better attention."

I could tell from his tone he was nervous."Wait," I said. "Are you at my plastic surgeon's office? Ask him if he got our Christmas card."

"He did. I'm looking at it right now."

"Oh, good. Tell him that if anything happens during your procedure they can go ahead and pull the plug. Hello. Hello??"

Rude.

I chose this photo because the photographer had forced us to hold hands, and the awkwardness is palpable. Brantley actually said the words, "Please make it stop."

Christmas Fantasy Land (with photos)

Picture if you will, a magical holiday world full of excitement and wonder, of beautiful twinkling lights and amazing Christmas spirit. Now, stop imagining that because that's not what I'm here to talk about.
In the deep, dark woods of a rural Alabama trailer park lies a place known as Christmas Fantasy Land. The trailer park is aptly named "Shady Acres,"and therein lies a home occupied by a family named Blackmon.
Every year this family hosts a redneck feast for the eyes in the way of Christmas decorations. There you can find Santa's sleigh atop the Nativity, and a ferris wheel next to an homage to Bonnie and Clyde.  My girlfriends and I have a tradition of going to this place every year, and 2011 was no exception. It's hard to put this experience into words, but I will briefly try before showing the photos.
This year they had Snoopy and the Grinch alongside an oddly placed patriotic setup. There was an ice skating rink next to a multi-cultural display. There was a native American display near a country-line dancing scenario. (I never realized how much that group like to mingle.) To top it all off there was a stray cat that followed us around, that of all things, my son named, "Shame." Ironic considering that's what all of the adults felt for being there.
Enjoy the photos, but don't try to make sense of them. You'll get a migraine. There is also a poem at the end inspired by Twas the Night Before Christmas. It's a must read.

In all sincerity, our kids thought this place was amazing. 

Sign that displayed, "Only OR days 'till Christmas."

Not sure what this is. Possible moon landing. Possible 9-11 tribute. All I know is that they're wearing rain coats and football helmets.

Santa's Ho-Down

Because nothing says, "thank you," to the troops like free-hand acrylic paint on plywood.

My friend Mary Beth with a semi-inflated Grinch

No idea what's going on here. Pretty sure that's an igloo in the background.  Possible Middle Eastern theme going on...

My son with Shame admiring the wonderment of CFL. (You can interpret that a couple different ways.)

My friend Loren Leigh (LL) posing with the CFL newly upgraded sign. It used to be written in Sharpie on a piece of cardboard.

This was on the front porch. There are no words for this, but we were ALL photographed with it.

All aboard the Christmas Fantasy Land Express. Traveling non-stop to the WIC line. 

There was some Disney action happening here. Walt would be proud.

We also did a little Tebowing. Little did she know, MB was kneeling in dog poo. 

Ode to Christmas Fantasy Land

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Shady Acres trailer park

Some creatures were stirring out there in the dark.

Colored lights were hung from the clothesline with care

In hopes that spectators soon would be there. 

The Blackmons were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of meth-labs danced in their heads.

And Lori in her sweater, and LL in glitter shoes

laughed in the van while Mary Beth "tebowed" in poo.

Then out of the van there arose such a clatter

So they sprang to the window to see what was the matter.

Like a flash from the van to the front porch they flew,

and posed with our sign, "In memory of Ma-Ma. We love you."

From the steps of the porch they had quite a ball,

Then dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all.

They spoke not a word when a sign did display

In tensil and Sharpie, "God Bless the USA."

And placing their hands across their laughing mouths

They emitted chuckles heard all over the south.

They sprang back to the van and sped off in the dark

And threw up gravel all through the trailer park.

And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,

"Lock the doors so we all don't get murdered tonight."