I Can't See Without My Glasses!

Attorneys for the captain of the shipwrecked cruise liner, Costa Concordia, have just come out and defended their client's actions by stating that he wasn't wearing his glasses at the time of the accident. So next time you book a cruise make sure that your captain doesn't require glasses to distinguish land from sea.

A Moment in Pop Culture: #Snooki

Jason Merritt/Getty Images

E Online is reporting that Snooki is 3-4 months pregnant. Only time will tell if the baby comes out just like its Mother- tan with acrylic nails, and a venereal disease. Something tells me that her boyfriend, Jionni will spare no expense on a paternity test. Can we blame him?

Loripalooza Merchandise- A First!

I'm proud to announce the arrival of Loripalooza merchandise. When you log on to www.Loripalooza.com there will be a new tab in the navbar. Click "MERCHANDISE" and you will be directed to a host of Loripalooza exclusive products. You will find shirts, mugs, office supplies, iPhone cases, and much more. Here are a few of the items you'll find.

Luke-isms

"Mom is, "Say your prayers," a nice word?"
"Yes, it's always nice to say your prayers."
He holds up a rubber band, pulls it tightly, and aims it at Baxter's head. "Say your prayers."

My Super Sweet Sixteen (times two)

I would first of all like to thank everyone for the kind birthday wishes. You have all helped make my 32nd birthday very special. However, all of this talk of growing older has really gotten me thinking about my own immortality. (I did NOT say immorality.) Everyone dies eventually. It's a fact. So why not prepare myself and my loved ones for this event by planning my own funeral ahead of time.

Here's how I want it to go down. In the event that Kevin Costner goes before I do, I would like comedian Ralphie May to do my eulogy. Who am I kidding? Heart disease will take him any day. Let's go with any current member of Jersey Shore: The New Class. I would like the subject matter to focus on the concept of mediocrity in several areas being superior to greatness in one or two areas. That is after all, my life's theme. The eulogy should be devoid of any of the stupid things I've done in my life, specifically the time  I drove backward through a car wash because I thought you paid AFTERWARD, and the super slow head-on collision that almost occurred during that time.

I would like someone in the back of the room to be making balloon animals, while another person sketches caricatures of anyone seen crying. Cigars will be passed out, and anyone refusing to smoke will be asked to leave. Everyone smokes. End of story. Also, I would like for all of the chairs to be secretly fitted with whoopee cushions. This is really starting to sound like a fun party, is it not? I really hate to miss it.

Please don't think I'm being morbid. I just find it imperative that people make their end of life wishes known ahead of time. I'm thirty-two now. I pretty much have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. When my time comes, my loved ones will be well equipped with the information they need to get that party started.

Clowns can really put the fun- in funeral.

Brantley-isms: Valentines Shmalentines

I believe Valentine's Day is a made up holiday perpetrated on consumers by the candy, greeting card and medical industry in an effort to have us needlessly spend money. Those with partners fall for it hook, line and sinker with Godiva chocolates, and cheesy cards about love. Those without partners unnecessarily decide they must have a partner, if only for one night. That person then goes home with someone from the bar, catches a germ that won't wash off, and shows up at their doctor's office for treatment three to four days later.

One of the many things I love about my husband is that he is as unromantic as I am. Most women would've been appalled at the question he posed to me last week regarding Valentine's Day.
"Hey, instead of getting each other Valentine's Day cards this year, can we each throw five dollars in the garbage can? That's where it'll go the next day, anyway."
My heart swelled with pride. "You complete me."

I don't need a specific day of the year to remember that I have the most wonderful husband in the world (when he isn't being a butt hole). Happy VD everyone.

Sips and Strokes

Am I the only one who thinks "Sips and Strokes" sounds like the name of a nursing home? I was totally going to drop my parents off there. "Sips and Strokes and Little Bites of Applesauce." That sounds like a place where I'd like to live out my days.

Winter To Do List

It's already February and I have to say that I have been cracking away at my winter bucket list and New Year's resolutions. Here are a few accomplishments that really solidify my my swagger.

• Being named Trophy Wife of the Year for 2012. Caught be completely by surprise for the eighth year in a row.
• Supervising Luke in hand making eleventy million Valentine's. My house is covered in glitter and pom poms. 
• Detoxing my son from candy. Although this has only occurred in the last week or so, it's kind of amazing to see what happens when he gets his hands on a few Smarties, or God forbid a red ring pop. Katy, whoever you are, grab some rope and bar the freaking door. 
• Giving up red meat in my super-slow attempt to one day go vegetarian. I also gave up pork, only to have a bacon and pepperoni relapse forty-eight hours later. Baby steps, as they say.

Pork-on-pork crime

I want to hear about YOUR winter accomplishments. Sound off!!

Luke-isms

Luke (3 1/2 yrs.) has become very interested in the subject of marriage this week.
"Mom, am I meh-weed?"
"No, you're not married."
"Oh, good."
Proof positive that men are born into this world with the presumption that marriage is something to be avoided.

Practicing being married

Yesterday I remarked to Baxter (our bi-curious Yorkie) that if he ran into the woods one more time he would be eaten by a coyote. Luke saw fit to correct me. "Mom it's pwo-nounced kwy-woah-tay. Try it again."
*sigh* "Kwy-woah-tay."
"Good job, Mom."