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Saturday, April 13, 2013

Grapes of Wrath

I can no longer pretend to ignore the whispers and mumbles on the internet regarding my recent private life. Since it's only a matter of time before it is leaked to a tabloid, I will just come out and say what America is waiting on me to say. The only caveat to my announcement is that I will take no follow up questions (yes, I will). This ends here. 

Last week, I had butt hole surgery. Twice.

I'm not going to waste your time by sugar coating this story with glamorous tales of cheek implants, or liposuction. The truth is I was at a 'rhoid rage level ten out of ten and could simply take no more. In fact, my balls were so impressive that I wasn't cured in one lone procedure. No, my dear sweet friends I had to be neutered TWICE. They clearly underestimated me. 

The first procedure was on Tuesday and when it had to be repeated on Thursday everyone breathed a sigh of relief when we got word that my angel, my protector, my white knight would be riding into town in her Ford Taurus to help care for me. I'm of course referring to my Mom, Joycie-May. Would she bring my illness bell from childhood that I used to ring every time I needed her? No, she wouldn't and my husband would sure as hell be glad for that, but she would be there to pamper me, make me sandwiches, and care for The One That Caused All The Problems In My Downstairs When He Jumped Out Of My Body Like An Alien With ADHD. We call him, "Luke," for short. 

So keep in mind that while I may have been down, I certainly have not been out- of snacks because Joyce keeps me full. Ooh-wee, that gal can cook. So let us move past this and onto the Awkward Smoking Pictures big reveal that is set for Monday. 

One last thing that I would like to mention is that this blog post was NOT sponsored by Preparation-H because that product is worthless and does not deserve a spot on any dusty drug store shelf. That is all. Thank you and good night.