Loripalooza

David Beckham Sexiest Man! Poppycock

2012-02-01T20:12:00.000-06:00

I was driving down the road today when I heard a celebrity news bulletin on the radio. The DJ explained that David Beckham had been named Sexiest Man on the Planet for 2012. "How can this be?" I shouted. "They have not even met my husband. They don't know what they're missing." I knew then and there that it was my job to reach the nations with the glory that is Brantley L. Wescott.

Step 1: (There's only one step, actually.)
Flood the internet with attractive photos of him

Here you see him catching up on some beauty rest. It takes work to look that good, people. Work and face cream. I believe I have made my point (and quite possibly, laid the ground work for him to file for divorce). David Beckham has nothing on my Valentine.

Luke-isms

2012-01-29T16:27:00.001-06:00

Brantley and Luke (3 1/2 yrs) were playing a solar system game on the Android tablet. When Luke would point out a planet, Brantley would tell him its name.
"What's dat one, Dad?"
"That's Uranus."
"Mine? Wow! Hey Mom, dat's my anus!"

Brantley-isms

2012-01-27T17:11:00.000-06:00

We were discussing the early start to my day when Brantley asked, "Why did you get up at 3:30 this morning?"
"I don't know," I said. "I just woke up and couldn't turn off my brain, I guess."
"Hmm, I never knew you turned it on."

Humor vs. Religion: Does it have to be that way?

2012-01-25T21:07:00.001-06:00

Religion is a topic I usually avoid when blogging. However, even when I'm feeling brave I still stick to the cardinal rule (pun intended) that you can only make fun of your own religion. Don't worry. I'm not even doing that today. This is a video that I found to be pretty interesting regarding humor in religion. It discusses Jesus' sense of humor.

(If you're having trouble viewing this video on your mobile device, here is the link.)

http://cnn.com/video/?/video/living/2012/01/24/orig-jtb-comedy-father-martin.cnn

Winners of Album Giveaway!!

2012-01-23T18:19:00.000-06:00

I had planned on giving away five CDs to some lucky readers, but that would have left one lonely person without one. So I've decided to be generous and give one to everyone who entered to win.

Congratulations to
Maggie
Carrie
Mary Beth
Dash
Heather
the Lejseks

Please email me your mailing addresses and I will put them in the mail this week.
(loriwescott@comcast.net)

Thanks for playing!!!

Modern Family and a Four Letter Luke-ism

2012-01-19T09:06:00.000-06:00

Last night’s episode of ModernFamily was great for a lot of reasons. If you’ve never watched this show, Ihighly recommend you start. In this episode, one of the preschool agedcharacters picks up a four-letter word and wears it out.

This is something every parent can relate to. At one pointor another, every child will say something its parents don’t approve of. My ability to relate developed on Monday when I picked Luke up from preschool. I had just buckledhim into his car seat and pulled away when he asked, “Mom, is shut-up a badword?”

“Yes, it is,” I told him.

“Well, shit!”

I wasn’t sure if I had heard him correctly so I didn’t sayanything at all. However, when he used the same four-letter word several moretimes I was no longer able to ignore it. Reprimanding and reprogramming commenced, which is why I now carry a barof soap in my purse, and in my car.

Now, I’m not going to point fingers and say where I think heheard that word (Brantley L. Wescott) because it doesn’t matter. What doesmatter is what we do about it. Sometimes it’s hard to know whether to correctthe behavior, or ignore it and lead by example. Arguments could be made forboth sides, and there’s no right or wrong answer. (Don’t email me and tell methere is.)

I guess my point is this, though every family andcircumstance is different, we all go through similar struggles. I couldn’t seethe humor in my own situation this week, but it was pretty funny when it was happening to someone else on TV. I hadto share.

You can still enter to win Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds. Click here for details.

The Devil Wears Osh-Kosh

2012-01-11T10:29:00.000-06:00

I was so excited when Luke (3 yrs old) learned to talk. I remember thinking, "When, oh when will it happen?" but gone are those days. In their place I have been left with Mr. Comeback. This snarky little fella always has to have the last word. If there is a button to be pushed, rest assured he will find it and mash it until it's broken. I can't blame myself for everything he's learned. After all, what kind of wife would I be if I didn't blame my husband for 99% of my son's bad behavior?
My dear husband, Brantley, introduced Luke to Looney Tunes. It seemed harmless enough at the time, until Luke discovered Fog Horn Leg Horn, and I say, I say that chicken has one smart mouth on him. Luke usually has a hard time interpreting exactly what this character is saying, but the sentiment is the same. Case in point, I was told yesterday to" keep your big mouse shot." I gave him exactly two warnings before introducing him to a bar of lemon glycerin soap. Now, before you go calling me a child abuser, let me say that it's organic, and therefore healthier than a Happy Meal (which by the way, I would NEVER let my son eat), AND it's not like he's belching bubbles. I guess you could say that my method worked because he hasn't repeated the phrase since. He did, however, ask me to go snipe hunting last night. I'm pretty sure he's plotting revenge.

Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds- Album Giveaway!!

2012-01-08T11:27:00.000-06:00

She has been called, "Country Music's first painted lady." Mitzi Dawn is a well-known songwriter in the country music industry, and is soon to be releasing her first solo album on Valentine's Day. The album, Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds is labeled as Americana, but if that doesn't ring a bell for you, think folk-ternative.

Loripalooza is going to be giving away her album BEFORE it's available for purchase. All you have to do is leave a comment on the blog (email replies don't count, sorry) with the words,
"I want Mitzi Dawn's album, Trainwrecks and Pink Clouds."

Easy enough. Five lucky winners will be chosen at random and receive the album in the mail.
The contest ends January 22, 2012.

After watching the video, my sister asked, "Is that really her boyfriend?" The answer is no. Mitzi is actually engaged to someone much better looking, who is also an AMAZING, classically trained violinist.

If you'd like to know more about her, and her journey toward this album, click HERE to read the article I wrote for the Murfreesboro News Press. Did you click it? I'll know if you didn't.

Motherhood and The White Powder

2012-01-04T12:37:00.002-06:00

I like to talk a big game. I try to portray myself as a super Mom who doesn't take any flack from her three and a half year old, but it's time for me to come clean. It is with great disappointment that I admit to you today that I'm not as awesome as you thought. I'll pause briefly while you catch your breath.
The truth is I'm as imperfect as my son. While I don't necessarily flood the house, or ride our dog, I certainly have ugly moments. One such moment came two days ago when Luke was being reprimanded. He looked right at my face, and with his sweet little duck lips said, "I don't wike you." Normal Lori would've ignored him, and walked away, but I wasn't normal Lori that day. I was sleep deprived Lori, and sleep deprived Lori said, "Backatcha, punk." He thought it was funny, but still, not my best moment.

However, yesterday I may have redeemed myself in all aspects of motherhood with a little help from my friends. The past few weeks Luke has been experiencing nightmares. He wakes up screaming several times a night, usually four or five times hence sleep-deprived Lori, requiring me to comfort and sit with him until he goes back to sleep. When the sun came up yesterday morning I was finished. I knew I couldn't do this another night. I decided to make a few calls, and put into play what some would call a big, fat white lie.

I made two calls. The first was to Elizabeth, the nurse at his pediatrician's office, and the second was to Cheryl, the pharmacy technician at CVS. Because they are awesome, they were both on board with my plan. I walked Luke into his doctor's office, and he immediately began spilling his guts to Candi, the receptionist. "Miss Candi, I got some bad dweams about the scary bear, and the wolf. They locked-ed me in a cage and I got wost." I know, right? I'd be scared too.

Elizabeth called us back and explained to Luke that she was writing a prescription for some Magical Dream Dust that would keep away all bad dreams. Luke listened intently as she explained how to use it. "You shake it at bedtime, and sprinkle it around your bed."

Our next step was to go to CVS and get our "prescription" filled. On the way there I prayed a little prayer, "Please God, don't let me get pulled over with a zip lock baggy of baby powder in my front seat." Cheryl met us at the drive through window where I passed her the Rx along with the bag of goods. She returned a minute or so later, and explained how it would keep the scary bear and wolf away. Luke bought it hook, line and sinker.

When bed time came around last night he helped me sprinkle magic dust all around his bed. I still had to sit in the room with him, but he finally went to sleep on his own, without crying a bucket of tears. Awesomeness. Many thanks to all who were involved.

(Photo by Keith Glines)

Luke-isms

2011-12-31T21:31:00.000-06:00

Luke (3 yrs old) accompanied me to a doctor's appointment last week. I've been working on teaching him elevator etiquette, but to someone who doesn't understand boundaries it isn't an easy thing to learn. I let him push the up button and we waited on the elevator to arrive on our floor. "Is there anybody on it?" he asked.
"I don't know. We'll have to see. Do you remember what to do when the door opens?"
"Oh, yes. I wemember." The door opened and Luke stood calmly as everyone got off. "See, Mom I waited for eberyone to get off first," he said.
"Great job, buddy." We walked into the elevator and were followed by a lady pushing a stroller. "What fwoor you going to?" Luke asked the lady. "Two, please," she replied. I could tell he was quite proud of himself, and as I suspected he continued to talk. "My name is Wucas and I'm free years old. This is my fwiend, Mom. She's sixty-one."
"Wow, Mom," she replied. "You look great for sixty-one."
I flipped my hair with a little swagger. "Well, I hate to brag, but that isn't the first time I've been told that."
Luke decided to continue talking on what was beginning to feel like the longest elevator ride of my life. "Sometimes I call her Gwandma."

After Christmas Delirium Video

2011-12-28T08:53:00.000-06:00

What happens when your child, who got everything he could possibly want for Christmas, finds a wrapped Christmas gift intended for someone else? He and his best friend do a little scheming and open it.
Before you go thinking that I'm a horrible Mom for recording this, you should know that I only turned on the camera after the crying had become way beyond ridiculous.

(If you have trouble viewing the video, here is the link- http://youtu.be/Pjk4zGkpB9M)

Luke's friend, Evan, is crying because he's afraid he's in trouble. Luke is crying because he just found out that he can't keep the gift.

Marital Banter

2011-12-21T10:52:00.001-06:00

Phone rings and it's Brantley (the husband).
"Hey, I just wanted you to know that the doctor is going to take this thing off my face, and there will be a few stitches," he says.
"What thing? I didn't know there was a thing."
"Well, you should pay better attention."
I could tell from his tone he was nervous.
"Wait," I said. "Are you at my plastic surgeon's office? Ask him if he got our Christmas card."
"Yes, I'm looking at it right now."
"Oh, good. Tell him that if anything happens during your procedure they can go ahead and pull the plug. Ask him if they have a DNR on file for you. If not, I can run one over. Hello. Hello??"
Rude.

I chose this photo because the photographer had forced us to hold hands, and the awkwardness is palpable. Brantley actually said the words, "Please make it stop."

Christmas Fantasy Land (with photos)

2011-12-18T19:04:00.000-06:00

Picture if you will, a magical holiday world full of excitement and wonder, of beautiful twinkling lights and amazing Christmas spirit. Now, stop imagining that because that's not what I'm here to talk about.
In the deep, dark woods of a rural Alabama trailer park lies a place known as Christmas Fantasy Land. The trailer park is aptly named "Shady Acres,"and therein lies a home occupied by a family named Blackmon.
Every year this family hosts a redneck feast for the eyes in the way of Christmas decorations. There you can find Santa's sleigh atop the Nativity, and a ferris wheel next to an homage to Bonnie and Clyde. My girlfriends and I have a tradition of going to this place every year, and 2011 was no exception. It's hard to put this experience into words, but I will briefly try before showing the photos.
This year they had Snoopy and the Grinch alongside an oddly placed patriotic setup. There was an ice skating rink next to a multi-cultural display. There was a native American display near a country-line dancing scenario. (I never realized how much that group like to mingle.) To top it all off there was a stray cat that followed us around, that of all things, my son named, "Shame." Ironic considering that's what all of the adults felt for being there.
Enjoy the photos, but don't try to make sense of them. You'll get a migraine. There is also a poem at the end inspired by Twas the Night Before Christmas. It's a must read.

In all sincerity, our kids thought this place was amazing.

Sign that displayed, "Only OR days 'till Christmas."

Not sure what this is. Possible moon landing. Possible 9-11 tribute. All I know is that they're wearing rain coats and football helmets.

Santa's Ho-Down

Because nothing says, "thank you," to the troops like free-hand acrylic paint on plywood.

My friend Mary Beth with a semi-inflated Grinch

No idea what's going on here. Pretty sure that's an igloo in the background. Possible Middle Eastern theme going on...

My son with Shame admiring the wonderment of CFL. (You can interpret that a couple different ways.)

My friend Loren Leigh (LL) posing with the CFL newly upgraded sign. It used to be written in Sharpie on a piece of cardboard.

This was on the front porch. There are no words for this, but we were ALL photographed with it.

All aboard the Christmas Fantasy Land Express. Traveling non-stop to the WIC line.

There was some Disney action happening here. Walt would be proud.

We also did a little Tebowing. Little did she know, MB was kneeling in dog poo.

Ode to Christmas Fantasy Land

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Shady Acres trailer park

Some creatures were stirring out there in the dark.

Colored lights were hung from the clothesline with care

In hopes that spectators soon would be there.

The Blackmons were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of meth-labs danced in their heads.

And Lori in her sweater, and LL in glitter shoes

laughed in the van while Mary Beth "tebowed" in poo.

Then out of the van there arose such a clatter

So they sprang to the window to see what was the matter.

Like a flash from the van to the front porch they flew,

and posed with our sign, "In memory of Ma-Ma. We love you."

From the steps of the porch they had quite a ball,

Then dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all.

They spoke not a word when a sign did display

In tensil and Sharpie, "God Bless the USA."

And placing their hands across their laughing mouths

They emitted chuckles heard all over the south.

They sprang back to the van and sped off in the dark

And threw up gravel all through the trailer park.

And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,

"Lock the doors so we all don't get murdered tonight."

Opryland Hotel Adventure

2011-12-13T18:34:00.001-06:00

Our holiday cheer got a kick start over the last few days as we immersed ourselves in the grandeur that is the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. We visited the Dreamworks Madagascar Ice exhibit which was amazing in its own right. The giant ice slides at the end were a favorite of Brantley and Luke. I stayed far, far away from that slide. I was NOT going to break my by nose crashing into a block of ice.

Brantley enjoying the slide

Inside the ice exhibit it was a frigid eight degrees. Some people wanted to take their time and see everything, but a quick walk through would've been good enough for me. To my dismay, Luke was being defiant and Brantley decided to place him in timeout right then and there. Considering the temperature I wondered who was REALLY being punished.

Time out

After the ice exhibit, we went back over to the hotel where Luke got to meet Po from Kung Fu Panda, Alex the lion, and King Julian from Madagascar, Shrek, Princess Fiona, and Puss in Boots. It was very magical, indeed. Luke also sat in Santa's lap and told him what he wanted for Christmas.

Puss in Boots with Luke

Santa was inquiring about those fancy shoes.

MY favorite part of the trip would've been the beautiful hotel itself. If you've never been, it's worth the drive. Waterfalls, rivers, and tropical plants combined with streets of shopping, and restaurants, all under the same roof. We ate at the Jack Daniels restaurant after hearing very good things about it. Two of the items I ordered off the menu plainly stated that they contained lard, to which I replied, "Yes, and yes. Thankyouverymuch!" A couple of hours later I was haunted by the ghost of my gallbladder, but it was totally worth it. Totally. Worth. It.

Out of everything he encountered on our stay, Luke's most favorite thing was the phone in out hotel room. "Wook, Mom! It gots a cord."

Hope you're all making wonderful holiday memories with your loved ones. Merry Christmas!!

Luke-isms

2011-12-09T19:47:00.001-06:00

This week Luke tried out a couple different gymnastics venues. The first place we went was not great to say the least, but Luke took it all in stride. Wanting to get an idea of what Luke could, and couldn't do the female instructor asked him to sit on the floor in a straddle position. Having no idea what that meant, but not wanting to admit it, Luke raised his hand and interrupted her with, "Excuse me, sir, I cannot do a full straddle position because my wegs are too short."
Way to play it cool.

Pants On the Ground

2011-12-05T09:41:00.000-06:00

Luke (3 yrs old) seems to be going through a stripper phase. I can turn my back for one minute only to find that he has completely disrobed in record time. I try to choose my battles wisely so I only make an issue of it if we have company coming over. However, there is just no preparing for a random knock at the door.
Case in point, Daniel, the handsome exterminator, came by a couple of days ago to call on me (or treat our house for bugs, whatever). Luke walked up and said, "Hi," to which he responded, "Well, look who's got pants on!"

Jingle Bells by Luke (Video)

2011-12-01T08:30:00.002-06:00

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, all for the way

Oh what fun Christmas

Oh jingle...

Jingle bells, Jingle bells, all for the way

Oh, what Christmas jingle bells are!"

(If you're having trouble viewing this on your mobile device click HERE.)

Luke-isms

2011-11-30T20:43:00.001-06:00

I was showering when Luke (3 yrs. old) came stomping into my bathroom with his pants off and two thumbs up announcing, "Mommyyyyyyy, I did poo-poos in the potty!"
I panicked a little considering that this act usually requires assistance on my part. If I hadn't been in the shower I"m pretty sure I would've had a sweat mustache just from the anxiety.
I inquired as to whether he had completed the paperwork that is required afterward.
He responded with, "Nah, I not need to, Mom. It was just all happy down 'ere."
"Get in the bathtub NOW!"

Holiday Memories

2011-11-28T09:21:00.000-06:00

This post is an oldie but a goody from a couple of years ago. Get out the cocoa because it's about to get warm and fuzzy up in here, circa 1988!

I have fond memories of going to pick out a Christmas tree as a child. My parents, my two sisters and I would load up in our Dodge Omni and head out to what seemed like the wilderness. Most people bought their Christmas trees from a vendor in the Kroger parking lot, or went to a tree farm, but not us. Years later I would realize that we had actually been tree thieving trespassers on some strangers land, but what the hay. It was quality time together and that’s what mattered.

One year in particular, we found the most perfect tree. It was just right in size and shape. My Dad cut it down and strapped it to the top of our car and the five of us loaded back in. We were on our way home when my dad slowed down and pointed to a different tree on the side of the road. “I think that one might be better than the one we just picked, but I’m not sure if it’s big enough. Lori, would you go stand next to it so we can see how big it is by comparison?”

“Sure, Daddy.” My sisters and I had been singing Christmas carols in the backseat, but I was happy to stop singing and oblige my father. I even felt special that he had asked me, rather than my older sister. I jumped out of the car and ran across the dirt road. When I located the particular tree I turned around to face the car. At that moment I knew I had been set up. My entire family waved out the window at me and I could hear them laughing as my dad sped away.

I was eight years old and all alone, standing next to someone else’s tree, on someone else’s property like a big jackass. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Down the road I saw my dad backing the car up to come back and get me. I considered not getting back in, but I didn’t have a lot of options. My family had a good laugh at my expense. “You should’ve seen your face,” and “That was so funny!” was all I heard the whole way home.

"Yeah," I thought. "Really funny". I wish the police had driven by. I could’ve told them what happened and my parents would’ve gone to jail on Christmas. Trespassing, stealing, and child neglect- that would show them. I made the ride home as unpleasant as possible for everyone by singing Christmas carols non-stop, and at the top of my lungs. An hour and twenty minutes later we arrived home and they all clamored out of the car. I may not have abandoned them on a deserted road, but I had gotten under their skin and I took solace in that. My real revenge would have to wait, though. I knew there was a jolly fat man watching and I needed to act the part.

Flash forward about twenty years to a slight fear of abandonment. Go figure.

Thanksgiving Day Revenge- Video Turkey Attacks

2011-11-23T09:48:00.000-06:00

The turkey in this video has had it with Thanksgiving Day stereotypes.

(link) http://cnn.com/video/?/video/us/2011/10/07/turkey-attacks-producer.kxtv

Dare I say, happy turkey day!

20 to Life (With Time Off for Sharing)

2011-11-19T09:33:00.000-06:00

Brace yourselves because I'm about to drop a bomb. Luke received his first time-out in preschool this week. It's taken me several days to come to terms with this enough to write about it. Where did he learn that it was ok to spit? (I blame rap music.)
Believe me when I say that the buck stops here. Today's time-out is tomorrow's juvey, and we all know there's nothing hokey about the pokey.

Baxter's World

2011-11-14T10:59:00.000-06:00

I offer you a glimpse into Baxter's world.
A world where the trees are bountiful with squirrels, and tug of war lasts all day.
A world fragrant with the scent of a stale turd.
Where breath is so bad it makes everyone want to stick their head out the window.
A world where it's perfectly acceptable to stand in the Little Harpeth River with your tail upstream, head downstream, and drink while simultaneously urinating.
Where naps are long, the bathroom is anywhere, and a good meal is had by standing under Luke's chair at the kitchen table.
Oh, what a world. We should all be so lucky.

Herman Cain, Creative Finance, and Booby Traps

2011-11-08T08:12:00.003-06:00

To do list:

Obtain Herman Cain book tour schedule.
Buy copy of This is Herman Cain! My Journey to the White House.
Don a low cut blouse.
Wait in line to have the book signed.
Get groped.
Wait on vagina chasing Gloria Allred to call me.
Deposit check.

While a five figure settlement isn't enough to live comfortably on, it could certainly help out with Christmas expenses.

I'm Baaaack, And You Thought You Were Safe...

2011-11-06T18:46:00.000-06:00

I'm writing to you from the naughty mat. A good blogger wouldn’t have gone a full week without so much as a Luke-ism, but I have a good excuse. I’ve been busy. Last Monday was Halloween, and I had to function as a single parent. My son refused to wear his costume, and when he found one suitable he wouldn’t leave our yard. Instead, he helped me give out candy after he greeted everyone with, “Happy birthday! Welcome to my shed.”

Last minute tiger costume.

Baxter was a turtle.

Thankfully, I saw NO skanky girl costumes this year! Way to hang, Nolensville. I did, however, have to issue a candy penalty to a teenager in black face. After telling him that his costume was racist, I handed him a pack of raisins, and told him to get off my porch. Brantley was so sure we would be egged, but so far so good. At eight o’clock I gave all of our remaining candy to a vampire, and we headed inside for bath time, and to pack my suitcase.

The next morning I was dropped off at the airport by Brantley and Luke. There was some turbulence during the flight bad enough to cause an overhead bin to open and its contents fall out. For just a moment I regretted having flown on plane that only charged $59. "Where exactly are they cutting corners," I wondered. Luckily, team Xanax was pulling for me, and soon after we landed in Jacksonville.

I had a brand new niece waiting to meet me in St. Augustine. This is the part where my blogging took a backseat. There was much-needed family time to catch up on, and I reveled in it. I did too many things to mention, some of which included:

Snuggled my nieces.
Caught up with my sister-in-law regarding too many things to mention.
Quality time with eldest niece (almost 14) discussing all things Bieber and Kardashian, and playing hair. There was bonding over dry shampoo.
Got to hear my eldest niece drop the first ever F-bomb in front of her Mom. (Hilarious. With all of the gasping of air, I’m surprised the baby didn’t turn blue from oxygen deprivation. I later got in trouble (ME!) for having consoled eldest niece with, “Don’t get upset. If you get in big trouble, just tell me. I’ll buy you anything, just don't be sad.")

Shenanigans

So that's what I've been up to. Told you I had a good excuse...

Acne & Ignorance- A Dangerous Combo

2011-10-30T10:39:00.000-05:00

I’ve joked before about my Terminal End Stage Acne Disease (TESAD), and while that was a bit of an exaggeration (and perhaps a made up disease) I’m still a thirty-one year old with the complexion of a fifteen year old.

My dermatologist has opted to put me on Accutane, which is a medication with serious implications to a fetus, should you become pregnant. I’m not at risk for pregnancy for reasons that are none of your business, but the FDA wants to make doubly sure that no one gets pregnant while on this medication. In addition to the rigorous hoops you have to jump through to prove you aren’t pregnant, you are also required to sign more paperwork than required for buying a house.

My favorite part of this whole process is making sure that everyone knows what causes pregnancy in a booklet called, Separating the Myths from the Facts. I do realize that the majority of people who take this medication are teens, but I was greatly disturbed to realize what some of today’s myths are. I’ll share a few with you. Keep in mind the language used is targeted toward teenagers.

Myth:

You cannot get pregnant if you do it standing up.
You cannot get pregnant if you have sex underwater.
“My partner said he is sterile because he had mumps, and he hasn’t gotten anyone else pregnant.”
Sexually active means you have to move during sex. If I do not move, I cannot get pregnant. (My personal favorite. This particular myth makes me want to find a teenager and punch them in the gonads.)

If today’s youth actually subscribe to these myths, then they have problems far worse than acne to attend to. This is why there is a show called 16 and Pregnant. Maybe somewhere there is a chemist coming up with an acne treatment that also causes sterility.

Politely Rude- A Luke-ism

2011-10-30T09:23:00.001-05:00

I've never claimed to be a good singer, but I didn't realize just how bad I was until last night. I was lying down with Luke as I belted out When You Wish Upon a Star. I paused briefly between verses, and Luke took the opportunity to beg, "May I pwease, pwease, stop hearing you sing?"

And the Winner Is...

2011-10-27T08:56:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all of you who posted comments, and reposted details of the giveaway. Believe it or not, comments and followers are a big part of what I'm judged on in the eyes of a literary agent/publisher. Please, keep them coming and look for future giveaways.

The winner of the Pampered Chef giveaway to Help Whip Breast Cancer is...Carrie!

Thanks again for visiting Molly Wright's Pampered Chef website, and keep her in mind for your PC needs.

It Isn't Fall Unless You're at the Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-22T19:47:00.000-05:00

Brantley finally had a day off so we used it to take Luke to the pumpkin patch. Luke had a wonderful time petting the animals, while I sampled the wares. It was a very good day considering Luke had been up ALL night after Brantley fed him 72% Cacao at bedtime. Brantley now understands why that wasn't a good idea, and that if it ever happens again the Police will have to carry me to jail.

Where's Luke?

Funnel cake. Nom nom nom nom.

Petting a cow with Dad.

Favorite goat. You hear that, Santa?

I've got a really bad feeling about that sheep with the blue X on it...

After leaving the pumpkin patch we went to lunch at O'Charley's. They really put the O' in, "Oh my God, are you sure this isn't Shoney's."

***Remember folks, the Pampered Chef giveaway ends October 27th. For your chance to win, click HERE and go through the steps (1. Follow the blog 2. Post a comment saying which PC item was your favorite 3. (optional) Post the links of Facebook or Twitter.)***

Loripalooza Hosts Pampered Chef Giveaway

2011-10-21T08:26:00.001-05:00

Loripalooza is teaming up with independent Pampered Chef consultant, Molly Wright to bring you some limited edition pink products available for the month of October only. Every time you purchase one of their Help Whip Cancer products, Pampered Chef will donate $1 to the American Cancer Society.

How can I enter to win?

Go to Molly’s personal Pampered Chef link by clicking HERE. After you browse, post a comment on Loripalooza telling me what your favorite Pampered Chef item is, or which you would like most.

(You have to be a follower to post a comment, which can be done by clicking HERE. It’s quick and painless.)

You can also be entered once for each time you

mention on Twitter, “Loripalooza hosts Pampered Chef #giveaway @Loriwescott http://bit.ly/ny2pQv"
mention on Facebook, “Loripalooza hosts Pampered Chef Giveaway. http://bit.ly/ny2pQv", and tag me so I’ll see it.

What could I win?

Pink Bar Board and Knife

Dots Microfiber Towel

...a $24 value with shipping!! Winner gets both items.

***Contest ends October 27th!! You only have six days. Go!!!***

Dance Off

2011-10-19T13:45:00.000-05:00

On nights when Brantley works late, Luke (3) and I like to have after-dinner dance parties. Here's a video of one such party. The role of Scooby Doo is played by Luke. The role of Scooby's personal trainer is played by me.

I was disturbed the first time I watched this and realized that I call out instructions better than a mom on Toddlers and Tiaras.

(Background music by Bel Div Devoe.)

Crank Calls

2011-10-15T19:10:00.000-05:00

There have been times when my crank calls have gone terribly wrong. Those are stories for another day, but suffice it to say I haven't learned my lesson. Crank calling Brantley at work is one of my favorite pass times, and some would argue (ok, just me) that it's a legitimate hobby. When crank calling gets recognized as an Olympic sport I will wave my gold medallion in your faces.

The art of CC'ing requires a good bit of work. There are disguised voices involved, not to mention the back story and the slightly ridiculous request or complaint I will call with. Up to ten minutes can be spent at one time just to get lucky enough for Brantley to answer the phone. When I hear the voice on the other line say, "This is Brantley. May I help you?" that's when I pounce.

The following conversation occurred two days ago.

Brantley- "This is Brantley. May I help you?"
Redneck lady- "You sure may. This is Eunice Petty. Do you all sell Massengill?"
Brantley- "Only by the gallon."

At that point the line went dead and I can only assume that he hung up. We haven't had a chance to discuss it since then, but I'm fairly certain he knew it was me. I will spend some time this week cultivating my character a bit more. Perhaps she wears a hat, or sounds a little more downtrodden. One thing is certain, and that is Eunice Irene Petty better be receiving her gallons worth of feminine care.

Luke-isms

2011-10-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

Brantley and I are a little leery when it comes to exposing Luke (3) to computer/video games. We realize that there are valuable motor skills learned with some games, but for the most part they just fill up spans of time that should be spent playing outside. Don't worry. We aren't going to let Luke be the odd kid that shows up for the first day of school and says, "What's a video game?" So he's allowed to play certain ones that are deemed educational.

He and I were playing one such game yesterday. The premise of the game is to count apples, and thus help you practice counting. I noticed that he had gotten pretty good. He added one plus one, and one plus two. Then he got confident. He clicked six apples plus three more. He got discouraged and shook his head.

"It's ok, Luke. Let's think about this. What do you get if you have six apples, then you add three more?"
"A big mess. Wet's go outside."

(Keith Glines photography)

Dancing With the Stars: Wardrobe Status and Smelly Flatus

2011-10-08T05:42:00.000-05:00

The ABC Network has hit the jackpot with Dancing With the Stars contestant, Nancy Grace. After her nipple slip last week she took the advice of a former contestant, and instead of retreating she reloaded in a BIG WAY.

Nancy has become a ratings cash cow because millions of people will be tuning in to ABC to see what she does next!! The possibilities are endless and the suspense is killing me.

Against All Odds: A Harrowing Tale of Vacation, Marriage, and Pancakes

2011-10-07T10:05:00.003-05:00

I had a rough night with Luke last night, and as a result I didn't get much sleep. Brantley and I are alternating sleeping in Luke's bed with him while we're on vacation, and he struggles through a little nightmare phase. If a million reasons just popped into your head on why this is a bad idea, just keep it to yourself because we each get a good night sleep every other night. All was well until 4:30 this morning when I started feeling a tap tap tapping on my shoulder.

"Hey Mom, it's me, Wucas. I need a snack."
"Go back to sleep," I mustered through gritted teeth.
"But I'm so hawngry. It's morning time."
"No, it isn't."
"Mom, you be kiddin' me."

This went on for quite some time before I finally turned on Tom and Jerry to pacify him before going back to sleep. I have no idea how much time passed, but some time later I heard Brantley's thunderous footsteps coming down the hall. Luke greeted him sweetly with, "Good morning, Dad. Mom won't wake up and it's morning time."

I could hear Brantley make his way toward me. I pulled the covers off of my head with my standard growl and hiss. (It's imperative that I exert my dominance early on in the day, otherwise Brantley spends a whole day feeling drunk with power.)

"I brought you something," he said.

There before me was a pancake and bacon breakfast with a cup of coffee. This was an especially sweet gesture considering Brantley version 2.0 doesn't eat pancakes or drink coffee. He had done it all for me. I was almost speechless. All I could think to say was, "I'm sorry for cussing at you in my head."

Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, and I certainly don't want to jinx anything, but after eight years together I'm starting to think this marriage just may work.

My boys

With a new train and giant lollipop it's obvious who is REALLY drunk with power.

Guest Blogger, Brantley Wescott

2011-10-04T20:15:00.000-05:00

The leaves are falling off the trees and the weather has begun to cool off. For many people the month of October is synonymous with their favorite time of year. It also marks the time of year that people commemorate their favorite cause, American Pharmacists Month. I would like to thank you in advance for the cards and letters of thanks that my fellow comrades and I will be receiving over the next 31 days.

Keep in mind that we work tirelessly to read your doctor's handwriting, count by fives until we get to thirty (sometimes even ninety), and say over and over again, "Yes, it really DOES cost that much even with your insurance."

You're appreciation won't go unnoticed. Please go to your local pharmacy, give your pharmacist a hug, and tell them that in honor of American Pharmacists Month you would like to register for the Free Ambien Giveaway. You'll be glad you did.

Sincerely,

Brantley L. Wescott, PharmD

Riding, Resting and Relaxation

2011-10-02T20:28:00.001-05:00

I’m glad to be writing to you from sunny Destin, FL where the Wescott three are enjoying a little R&R. Luke has been living it up pretty hard which has required Brantley and I to check him a few times. One instance was over a comment he made to some pedestrians while we were driving the golf cart. Brantley poignantly explained to him why it wasn’t alright to say, “Get out of the way of my Jeep!”

This morning I wasn’t feeling like going for a run so I opted to ride a bike to the Baytowne Wharf and back to the house. Historically speaking, my bike riding skills are less than stellar, but I hung in there and completed my journey. The best part was when Brantley and Luke pulled up alongside me in the golf cart and Luke shouted, “Mom, you’re on a bike? You be kiddin’ me, right?” I would've responded with something snarky if I hadn't been panting so hard. Afterwards, I collapsed into the jacuzzi and shouted for Brantley to, "Fix me a milkshake!"

I think that’s the first time I have pedaled anything since a spin class instructor politely asked me to leave her class because she thought I was going to faint. However, after today I may be changing my Christmas wish list from Segway to bike. (Although, I still really, really, really want a Segway. No pressure.)

90's on 9

2011-09-28T10:55:00.004-05:00

Satellite radio is my latest addiction. I blame all of you for not persuading me to get it sooner. In addition to a 24/7 stand up comedy station, there’s a channel called 90’s on 9, and it is a major blast from my middle/high school past.

I’d like to share with you a few of the gems I’ve heard lately.

(http://youtu.be/OHzkICG47LU)

This video was the inspiration for Simon Cowell’s fade.

(http://youtu.be/1plPyJdXKIY)

I was not aware that Nate Dogg was no longer with us. It's a good thing all doggs go to heaven, yo.

(http://youtu.be/uIbXvaE39wM)

Wilson Phillips. No explanation necessary.

(http://youtu.be/UBEOyuTOxx8)

My favorite part of this video is the fried chicken buffet at 3:13. Prison food looks good, licky boom-boom down.

(http://youtu.be/OHzkICG47LU

Luke-isms

2011-09-24T20:06:00.001-05:00

I was getting dressed today when Luke stomped into my closet. "Gratulations, Ladies and gentlemen! I ate ALLLL the toothpaste!"
Wonderful.

Consider My Soul Rocked...And Rolled

2011-09-18T20:24:00.000-05:00

Saturday's Rock and Roll Your Soul event was tons of fun. The talent was endless, and I only got my emcee hand spanked a couple of times for confusing the raffle with the drawing. They were NOT the same thing. The drawing was what you entered every time you bought a draft beer. The same gentleman won the drawing several times (which had less to do with luck, and more to do with the ridiculous amount of beer he consumed). Raffle tickets were two dollars apiece and went straight to the Musician's Care Network. Twenty-four hours later the distinction is much more obvious, but you know what they say about hindsight.

The Red House Band

Live music + a petting zoo = Heaven for one Luke Wescott
...And he won movie tickets in the raffle (NOT the drawing...it's different!!)

Hula hooping is trendy again, and my friend Anna is not only a master at hooping, she also made all of the hoops you see there. Very talented gal.

This is the musical phenomenon known as Sam and Luke.

Who WERE the Jonas brothers, anyway?
These two fellas are amazing singer/song-writer/guitarists...

It was really obvious how much they liked me. I was like, "I guess I'll hold your guitar."

It turned out to be a wonderful day, and I was so honored to meet and introduce great artists hour after hour. I was also honored to say, "The beer and hotdog carts are up and running. You can get draft beer for three dollars and a hotdog, chips, and a canned drink for five dollars."

PS: You should run (not walk) to iTunes and purchase Sam and Luke's song, It's Not Like You're Breaking My Heart. I'm pretty sure it's about me.

Luke-isms

2011-09-15T21:15:00.000-05:00

Luke accompanied me to my yearly physical on Monday. Bad idea. He was casual and cool as we entered the waiting room still sporting his Lightning McQueen sunglasses, and carrying a milkshake. He slowly surveyed the crowd before finally announcing, "Somefing smells phony in here!" I corrected him despite the fact that it was a pretty astute observation.
"Try not to breathe too deeply," I told him.

After a twenty minute wait we were ushered back to the exam room to wait some more, but Luke decided he needed to go to the bathroom. When we're at home this isn't a huge deal, but in a public restroom it becomes a nightmare. He absolutely CAN'T go without taking off ALL of his clothes. Also, being in the ONLY bathroom designated for patients, there were knocks at the door every fifteen seconds from people needing to pee in a cup. With every knock Luke lost his concentration, which was apparently essential. I was desperate to speed things along which meant I had to stand with my back turned AND my eyes closed.

Finally, he was finished, but as I began getting him dressed he slipped away and went running through the office in only a T-shirt and boxer briefs as he laughed hysterically. I wrangled him, and we made it back to the exam room to find out that I had been skipped over for the next patient and would have to wait some more. So we sat in the cold exam room awhile longer while he pointed out every rectangle in the room. There were twelve.

The doctor eventually came in, felt me up with her cold hands, poked me with a needle, and told me how cute and charming my kid was, all of which took no longer than five minutes.

"Thank you," I replied. "Now, can you refill my Xanax?"

Rock and Roll My Soul Event

2011-09-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

For my fellow music lovers I have an exciting new event to announce. On September 17th, the Bunganut Pig will be hosting their 25th anniversary bash. Proceeds from the event, Rock and Roll My Soul, will go to the Musicians Care Network, an organization that provides basic health care services for musicians without health insurance.
The event, emceed by yours truly, kicks off at 11am and will go until after midnight. This outdoor concert is open to the public, and you can expect a talented lineup of notable singer/songwriters, family friendly atmosphere, petting zoo, hula hoop contests, and really great food.
Can't wait to see you there!

A View to a Hottie, starring Brantley Wescott

2011-09-05T10:29:00.000-05:00

Luke-isms

2011-08-31T08:51:00.000-05:00

In the wake of our house flood, courtesy of Luke (3 yrs. old), I am a little wary of leaving him alone for any amount of time. However, there are times when it is inevitable. Yesterday morning as he played with his trains I told him, "I'm going to go get dressed. You can stay in here, or come with me."

"No thanks, Mom. I'll stay here."

Every few seconds I would call out a question to him. It was my way of letting him know I may have been out of sight, but I wasn't far. "Luke, which trains are you playing with?" I called out.

"It's ok, Mom," he called back in a far away voice. I ran out of my bedroom and into the hallway.

"Lucas Payne, where are you?" I was on my way down the stairs when he opened the office door and looked at me with a guilty smile.

"It's ok, Mom. I'm just in Dad's office. It was an accident. Let's sing some songs about Jesus."

I entered the office and found fishing line tangled around the desk where he had been practicing casting his fishing pole. I ushered him back upstairs noticing for the first time that I only had on one shoe. Luke sang as he climbed the stairs, "I'm so happy, so very happy. I have the love of Jesus in my heart."

"Oh, you better."

Luke-isms

2011-08-29T08:08:00.000-05:00

Top o' the Monday morning to ya! I trust that everyone had a great weekend. If not, I will arrange a do over in about five days.
For me, the weekend was relaxing and ended with an employee appreciation lunch at my part-time gig. Brantley was working, so I took Luke with me. As you might have imagined, Luke rocked that party, even choosing to keep his sunglasses on indoors. I helped set up, and when I walked back over to Luke I overheard the end of a conversation he was having with my bosses husband. Luke closed with, "...and so that's how I got a crack in my booty."
Judging by the puzzled look on the gentleman's face I could tell he had no idea what Luke had said. Crisis averted. However, I wish I had heard the entire conversation because I too, would love to know how that happened.

PSA

2011-08-26T13:36:00.000-05:00

Backstreet's Back! Kind of...

2011-08-22T18:51:00.000-05:00

Last week provided me with some much needed R&R, and time away from the mess that is our house. If you haven’t been following the blog, then allow me to summarize the last couple of weeks for you. My son, Luke (3 yrs. old), flooded the upstairs sink causing it to rain in the living room. Suffice it to say that after a lot of clean up, the house is livable, but not cozy.

Perfect time to take a vacation? You bet your buns it was. Some friends drove down to meet us in Florida mid-week, which allowed for catching up and reminiscing, both of which are very important. Luke really enjoyed playing in the ocean, and was moderately well behaved, except for the last two days, which we won’t discuss. In summary, a purr-fect week.

I don't want your emails telling me that I'm holding the paddle incorrectly. And, yes Luke is crying.

There was even some free entertainment in the way of the next-door neighbors. “Who,” might you ask, “were you lucky enough to be in such close quarters with?” None other than the once famed Backstreet Boy, Brian Littrel. Although to be quite honest, we should probably now call them Backstreet Men, but I digress.

Backstreet Boys. Brian Littrel is on far left.

Mr. Littrel and his entourage vacationed harder than anyone I’ve ever seen. In fact, every morning I would clean up the beach after their late night vacationing. If I was smarter (which I’m not) I would’ve saved those empty beer cans, bottles of water, and Dixie cups to auction them off on EBay. I could have scored at least three or four dollars.

I nicknamed his wife, Tits Littrel, for reasons that I am too classy to discuss. Do you get where I’m going with this? Are you feeling me? She had some tig ol’ bitties, okay.

Well, it became quite apparent day after day that it was Mrs. Littrel’s job to drink heavily and be perky 24-7. In fact, one day while they were on the beach in front of God, families with children, and a couple of dolphins, she commenced giving Backstreet Boy a lap dance. Have you ever seen a dolphin throw up? I have.

Later, she sauntered around in the waves and did a slow stripper walk while Backstreet Boy photographed. Like watching a train wreck in slow motion we could not turn away. Neither could their kid.

Enjoy the photo, but before you shake your head at me for snapping it, please understand that no one has ever wanted to be noticed and photographed more than these people, right down to their overtly ostentatious vehicle (a Hummer with a black and white toile pattern and purple writing).

This photo was taken right after his body guard wallowed in Luke's sand pit.

The Heck Out of Dodge

2011-08-17T12:14:00.000-05:00

I’m not one to hang around a messy construction zone, especially when it’s in my house so Luke and I packed our bags and hit the road for a few days. In preparation for our road trip I needed to have the oil changed in my car, and the air pressure checked in the tires. Instead of going to my usual trusty mechanic I went to a different one, one that was near a restaurant so Luke and I could have lunch while we waited. Lunch came and went, and when we returned to the mechanic Luke decided he needed to go to the bathroom.

We walked into the “office” and were immediately hit in the face with the pungent odor of, well something pungent. It could have been the two dirty litter boxes, or maybe the fly-covered, open cans of cat food on the floor, but either way it was rank. I had a sinking feeling as I asked if they had a bathroom. The lady at the desk said, “Yes, let me see if it’s clean.” She then turned to right, leaned over, and said, “Yep, it’s clean.” I thought my eyes were deceiving me. There, in the very same room, was a toilet with a curtain in front of it. I thought I’d sooner die than let my kid use that bathroom, but the car wasn’t finished and Luke persisted. “Mom, I neeeeeed to go poopoo.”

For twelve long minutes I stood in that awful, stinky place while Luke made it worse. When he was finally finished we opted to sit in the hot car to wait out the rest of our service. As I helped Luke into the car I noticed his pants were wet. “Luke, did you peepee in your pants after all that sitting on the commode?”

He responded with, “No, Mom. I didn’t peepee. It’s just a little penis water.”

De. Liver. Me.

When It Rains, It Pours...In My House

2011-08-09T18:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning started out better than most Monday mornings. I woke up without having to be shaken, and I even spoke to my family before my usual thirty-minute silent period. I had a load of laundry going in the washing machine and left Luke (3 yrs. old) upstairs with his trains while I went downstairs to empty the dishwasher.

He immediately called down and requested apple juice, and I obliged on the condition that he come retrieve it. I was a proud Mom as he told me, “thank you.” Luke then headed back upstairs, but before he got to the staircase he noticed his Play-Do machine in the floor. “Mom, can we pwease pway wif pway-do?”

“Of course,” I said as I helped him open all the containers. I was actually thinking about what a great day it was, and that I wouldn’t freak out (this time) if he mixed the Play-Do colors together. About an hour later he grew tired of Play-Do and we started up the stairs. “What’s that sound?” I asked.

“Wook, Mom! It’s waining in my house!” It was, indeed. I flew up the stairs and straight into his bathroom where I discovered the bathroom faucet running full blast and the drain closed. I was standing in half an inch of water. I unplugged the drain, turned off the faucet, and began throwing towels all over the floor. Then, I remembered the living room. I ran back downstairs to find water pouring from the ceiling onto the floor.

I grabbed a garbage can and recycling bins to catch the falling water, then ran back upstairs. That’s where I found Luke splashing around in the bathroom like he was singing in the freakin' rain. I sent him to his room and called his father and the insurance company, but the damage was done. When the emergency clean up crew arrived three hours later, the ceiling downstairs was beginning to buckle.

(One of several)

All of the commotion wore Luke out so he decided to take a nap. I resented this a little (a lot), but knew it was best if he didn’t see me losing my mind. When he woke up he was scalding hot. I took his temperature, and my fears were confirmed. 102.6 degrees, but we couldn’t leave the house and go to the doctor due to the necessary work being done on our home.

(The Water Bandit)

I made him an appointment for this morning, where he was diagnosed with Hand, Foot and Mouth virus. Awesome. When we returned home we were met with the owner of the reconstruction company who told me we were going to need a new ceiling, new carpet padding upstairs, steam cleaning of the old carpet upstairs, and refinishing of the downstairs floor. This can’t happen, of course, until the ceiling dries out which will probably take a couple more days. Then they will paint.

(These fans make so much noise that you can't hear the garbage disposal.)

So for now we remain banished to three rooms of our house. The good news is they are the most important rooms- Luke’s bedroom, the master bedroom, and the kitchen. I realize that there ARE bigger problems in the world, but I feel as though the old adage is true. What doesn’t kill you...cripples you instead, and really, really pisses you off.

Keepin' it real and makin' it rain.

PS: How was your Monday?? I would LOVE to feel better by comparison.

A Message from Your Stalker

2011-08-06T08:33:00.001-05:00

I would like to personally thank you for "checking in" everywhere you go. It has enabled me to follow your every move and for my burglar colleagues to rob you blind while you're away. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely, the creator of the Foursquare mobile app

PS: I just checked in at the mental hospital

Are You Ready for Some College Football?

2011-08-03T08:07:00.000-05:00

College football season starts in less than a month and I am SO ready. Commence smack talk in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Sorry, Georgia fans. Oh wait, no I'm not. Boom shacka lacka. I look forward to hearing YOUR smack talk in the comments section, unless you're ashamed of your team. Ohhhh snap!

(This video clip is from the show Squidbillies. If you haven't seen it, then you probably don't stay up late enough.)

Winnie the Poo (No, I didn't misspell it)

2011-07-29T21:01:00.001-05:00

I took Luke to see Winnie the Pooh yesterday with some friends. Thankfully, it was short because I hate Winnie the Pooh with everything that I have. I could give you a descriptive breakdown of each character and their tragic flaws, but suffice it to say I could punch every one of them in the face and not feel bad about it. There’s nothing worse than a whiner. Take a Prozac already, Eeyore because I don’t want to hear it. As for the most pointless character award, that goes to Piglet. I won’t ruin the ending for you, not because I’m a nice person, but because you should have to sit through the same shit I did.

You get my drift. I dislike the whole idea of Winnie the Pooh, but I sacrificed for my kid because he loves that bear (and because I knew it was only one hour and nine minutes long). Despite my role as martyr, I found a way to amuse myself.

We couldn’t see a movie without popcorn, so I approached the counter and was greeted by a neatly dressed metrosexual gentleman. I ordered our snacks, and whipped out my wallet to pay. “Sorry about all these ones,” I said. “I’m an exotic dancer.” His eyes shifted from the cash register to me, then to Luke, and back to the register. His uninterested silence had called my bluff. “Not really,” I said feeling dejected. “I just had a yard sale.” I suddenly felt like Baby in Dirty Dancing after announcing to Patrick Swayze that she had “carried a watermelon”. He finally opened his mouth to say, “Mmmkay, thanks.”

So I get it. My joke wasn’t appropriate for the orientation of the audience, and maybe my joke wasn’t funny at all, but it had taken my mind off of what was to come for the next hour and nine minutes of my life. I took solace in that. The extra buttered popcorn didn't hurt either.

No Habla Español

2011-07-24T09:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a very successful yard sale-palooza, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I was challenged by the Hispanic patrons. How exactly do you say, “No I won’t take $1 for this Jones New York cashmere sweater. You have insulted me and my family. Now get off my land?” Despite my ignorance for the young woman’s language, I improvised by shaking my head vigorously and saying, “Not less than two dolareemos.” I’m pretty sure my raised voice and exaggerated mouth gestures helped penetrate the English-speaking portion of her brain. I’m not stupid. I know they all have one. She then stole a headband.

Later, a Hispanic gentleman took a fancy for a comforter I had for sale. It was marked $10, but he used what little English he knew to ask if I would take $5. “Seven,” I said firmly. He put it down and got back in his van. Not wanting to lug the king size comforter to Goodwill with everything else that didn’t sell, I shouted, “I’ll take cinco!” He got out of his van and paid me cinco.

Despite the occasional language barrier, I managed to score a couple hundred dollars and unload a lot of stuff I no longer needed. More importantly, I earned another grown-up badge for planning and carrying out a successful yard sale. That makes two badges this year when combined with my grown-up badge for finally getting window treatments for my house. At this rate, I’ll have enough badges to be a mature adult by the time I’m forty.

Adios, amigos.

Luke-isms: Too Stank

2011-07-21T09:29:00.000-05:00

I walked in the back door and Luke was seated at the kitchen table having a snack. I had been watering the plants outside, although you’d never know it by looking at my yard. He looked up from his Oreo cakesters and said, “Mom are you too stank?”

I thought this might be a trap. “I beg your pardon?” I asked.

He repeated it nice and slow, as if I were old and stupid. “Are. You. Too. Stank?”

“Do you know what stank means, Luke?”

“Yes, it means really hungry.”

“Then, yes. I’m very stank.”

He laughed and I wondered where he would have learned such a word. I’m sure his teacher at preschool doesn’t say, “Alright, boys and girls! Get your lunchboxes. I hope you’re all stank.” And, he’s never heard his father and I say, “I’m so stank I could eat a horse.” I chalked it up to one of life’s great mysteries, but I wasn’t ready for it to become a habit. “If it means hungry, then just say hungry, alright?”

“But Mom, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re too stinky,” he chuckled.

He knew what it meant all along, and he was right. With a heat index of 110 degrees outside it’s hard for me to be anything but stank.

Deep Thoughts

2011-07-19T19:17:00.000-05:00

If someone with a lazy eye gives a "come hither" look, is that a mixed signal?

To: (Almost) All the Fish in the Sea

2011-07-18T20:44:00.000-05:00

Field reporter, Andrea, sent this advertisement to me last week. It's a personal ad she came across on a bulletin board in Montevallo, AL. Single ladies, take note.

"Grady" seemed to have left out some important details like how many hogs he has, and whether or not he has an above ground pool. Those two things would seal the deal if I were a single white woman. Six acres ain't easy to come by these days. It's awful temptin'. Yessirree, awful temptin'.

PSA- Bullying

2011-07-11T08:12:00.000-05:00

Fight to stop bullying today, or else. I'm serious. I'll cut you.

Isn't it Ironic?

2011-07-05T20:17:00.008-05:00

Dear Alanis Morisette,

This is the definition of irony.

Bareheaded motorcyclist dies in helmet protest
(Click to read CNN article.)

I'm happy to have cleared that up for you.

Brantley-isms, There's No Safety in Silence

2011-07-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

My husband was blessed with a lot of things. He has a wonderful personality. He’s good looking. He’s a good provider and a hard worker. Those are all great qualities, but there is one quality that he was not blessed with, and that is tact. The absence of tact has come up from time to time in our marriage. However, there are usually long breaks between each tactless episode so that I almost forget to be afraid.

Segue into date night with our friends a couple of weeks ago. Brantley was working until six o’clock that evening so I rode with our friends. As we waited on the interstate off ramp for the red light to change we saw Brantley up ahead. He was on the highway waiting for the same light. The top was down on his convertible and he was looking cool in his shades. We honked and waved to him, and when he saw us, a big smile came across his face. Ice ran through my veins. I had seen that evil smile before. He knew all of our eyes were on him and I could feel that something bad was about to happen.

Before I could even speak, Brantley sat up as straight and tall as he could. I cringed as he raised to giant middle fingers into the air, and slowly began to drive (hands free). I could see drivers in front and behind him looking at each other in a “What’s this guys problem?” sort of fashion. A few moments later, he lowered his giant hands and drove away. “Wow,” I said to my friends. “We’re meeting that guy for dinner.”

He’s been on his best behavior since that incident, but I know better than to get comfortable. Just when I begin to think that I have the most perfect husband, I turn around and see him mowing the lawn as he shuffles his feet with his pants around his ankles to make the neighbors laugh. That ladies and gentlemen, is my little piece of heaven.

PSA from TSA

2011-06-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

Everyone here at TSA would like to educate our consumers regarding new potential hazards of flying the friendly skies. A lot has changed since 9-11 and villains are no longer cut and dried in their appearance. The powers that be have discouraged us from out right racial profiling as we see fit, but the good news is we are now able to focus on other malicious individuals who may have gone unnoticed before. Please be on your guard while travelling, and notify a TSA employee if you see any of the following

A child of any age
A sleeping baby
A former Miss USA winner
An elderly person, especially if they are in a wheelchair with a dirty diaper
Any woman dressed like a harlot who totally deserves a pat down for wearing something like that

It is important for all of us to be extra vigilant when travelling. If you thought ahead, you will have your emergency airport kit containing a whistle, a candy bar (for diabetic terrorists), and three sets of handcuffs- infant size, adult size, and ginormous. If you see someone who might be wearing a diaper, go up to them and place your hand on their buttocks. If the diaper feels warm, then blow your personal emergency whistle and shout, “I know you have a dirty bomb.” Only a true terrorist will protest.

All of us here at TSA want to make your flying experience as safe and humiliating as possible. So remember, report any suspicious individual...unless they are morbidly obese. We don’t like patting them down, and chances are they will be thrown off the plane before it ever takes off. Now get out there and fly.

Luke-isms

2011-06-24T19:45:00.001-05:00

With the arrival of his third birthday, Luke has come at me with conversation hard and fast. We painted pictures one day this week and he quickly became frustrated when he could not paint a fish. He crossed his arms over his chest and exclaimed, "I am NOT super!" In his defense, it was a really crappy fish.
Tonight at dinner Luke eyed his plate suspiciously. "That's steak, not poop. Wight, Mom? Wight?" Fair question, son. It's always a good idea to make sure I didn't fix poop for dinner.

Luke-isms

2011-06-23T18:49:00.000-05:00

Luke and I played at the Discovery Center yesterday in an attempt to avoid the rainy afternoon. While perusing their new germ exhibit, Luke became enamored with one disease in particular.
"What's that one's name, Mom?" he asked.
I hesitated. "That's HIV."
"Oh Mom, I wike HIV!"
"No you don't, and please be quiet."

Hey Koala, Wrap It Up!

2011-06-15T09:06:00.002-05:00

Worldcrunch, a global news site that translates stories of foreign languages into English, has just reported that a new danger faces the Australian koala. In addition to climate change, and the decreasing size of their habitat, these endearing marsupials are now battling chlamydia. This raises an important question besides, “Who raped those koalas?” The question is, “What do Australians need to do in order to combat the koala clap?”

The first step in treating any illness is prevention, and that begins with education. The koalas must be taught the importance of safe sex because let’s face it, people have been preaching the importance of koala abstinence-until-marriage forever. Look where that’s gotten us. I am calling for strategic, and graphic sign placement throughout the eucalyptus forest detailing how and when to use prophylactics, as well as the signs and symptoms of koala clap. Please refer to the list below entitled, “How to Know If Your Koala has the Clap.”

The next step is an obvious one, as well. Early treatment ensures that the disease doesn’t get out of hand, and that fewer koalas become infected. The last thing you want to happen is to hear through the grapevine that the koala you hooked up with last weekend might have chlamydia. A simple course of antibiotics will do the trick and have your koala back in the game in a couple of weeks.

The third and final step is follow up care. Be a good mate and check in on your koalas from time to time to make sure they aren’t re-infected. A simple swab of their genitals is all you have to do. As you pat them on the bum and shoo them back into the woods just give a simple reminder to, “Double bag it before you tag it, mate.” Trust me, your chlamydia free koala will thank you.

How to Know if Your Koala has Chlamydia-

   1. If your koala comes home and says, “I hit the turps last night, and subsequently behaved like a bit of a root rat. The next thing I knew I had cracked a fat with some sheila in the dunny, and ever since then I have felt a bit woggy.” then it is safe to suspect he may have contracted chlamydia.

2.     If while doing your koala’s laundry you see something strange in his grundies, which leads you to believe he may be leaking from his old fella or his clacker, then the old bloke may have chlamydia.

3.     If your female koala is frequently in the nuddy and reproducing koala babies, while knowing good and well that they will be carried off by dingos, then she may be careless enough to have unprotected koala sex. It’s probably time to give it a burl and swab the ol’ gal.

4.     If your koala was wearing the wobbly boot while having the doovalacky, and plum forgot the franger, then take away his coldie and give him some antibiotics.

I hope this tutorial has helped broaden your understanding of how to prevent, recognize, and treat koala clap. Through public awareness, we can all help in the fight against koala chlamydia. Gdday.

Mullet Watch 2011- It's back, baby!

2011-06-13T09:00:00.001-05:00

I was beginning to think the mullet was extinct until my friend, Mary Beth, sent me this photo taken on a tour bus in Savannah, Georgia. It is great to see that the mullet is alive, well, and apparently thriving while on vacation. Thank you, Mary Beth. You have renewed my faith in the American spirit.

Luke/Brantley-isms: Double Your Pleasure, Double My Pain

2011-06-11T22:30:00.003-05:00

Today as I was applying my makeup in the bathroom, I noticed Luke watching me intently. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
"I'm putting on makeup."
"Oh Mommy, your makeup makes me sooo happy!"
Brantley was taking care of some business in the potty room, and overheard our conversation. His voice echoed, "It makes me happy too, Luke."
I had heard enough. "Ok thank you, everybody. I'm so glad you're all happy about my makeup. Now leave me alone."
How did I ever get ready before, without being showered with such complements?

Luke/Brantley-isms: Double Your Pleasure, Double My Pain

2011-06-11T22:30:00.001-05:00

Don't Wake the Kraken

2011-06-07T08:25:00.000-05:00

This is NOT a newsflash, but parenting isn't always full of heart warming, pride-swelling moments, and as Luke approaches three, those moments are becoming less frequent. They aren't gone all together, but rather, sprinkled amidst a sea of embarrassing, and often frustrating moments.
One of these moments occurred yesterday while shopping for groceries in Publix (where shopping used to be a pleasure). Luke was in bad need of a nap (as was I, but you didn't see me losing my shit over it) and cried loudly the entire time we were there. I blocked out the sound and focused on the task at hand- light brown versus dark brown sugar. What's the friggin' difference? A few seconds later I realized that someone was standing nearby and having to listen to my kid wailing because his cookie did not have sprinkles.
"Sorry," I said to her.
"Oh don't you apologize to me," she said. "I have two boys that age. That's nothing but white noise, honey. Just block it out. Do NOT let him get to you!"
I felt reinvigorated by the words of this stranger genius. I then picked up, both light and dark brown sugar and walked away. Luke may have still been crying, but all I could hear was Bon Jovi singing, "You live for the fight when that's all that you've got."
So during last night's dinner party when he locked us all out of the house, I almost enjoyed the walk around the house to the garage door. I sang "Living on a Prayer" aloud as I entered the garage door code, and foiled his plans of domination.

Weiner-Gate UPDATE!!

2011-06-03T20:12:00.003-05:00

I normally only wear politics on my Twitter sleeve, but the latest pseudo scandal by Congressman Anthony Weiner, and his Twit pic heard round the world, is just too good to pass up. So many puns, so little time. Where do I start?

In case you’ve been living in a cave, the social media and news world has been in an uproar over a lewd, bun length, photo being sent to one of the congressman’s Twitter followers. This has left Mr. Weiner in quite a pickle (wink). Congressman Weiner has been unable to say whether the photo is of him or not. “Seems like a reasonable claim to me,” said T.R. Wingwang, inventor of the revolutionary weiner cam. “I’ve been photographing crotch for years. After a while, they all begin to look alike.”

Congressman Weiner has insisted time and time again that he has been the victim of a prank, and I would have to completely agree. He was, most definitely, pranked by his parents the day he was born, when they allowed the word “weiner” to be written on his birth certificate. From that day on, their son was destined to exist amongst a sea of weiner jokes and teasing.

So it is without shame, that I provide the following crude puns.

This Weiner is in hot water.

It may be spelled W-E-I-N-E-R, but it’s pronounced “schlong.”

My Congressman has a first name, and it’s not O-S-C-A-R.

His republican competition is surely not as stiff.

Whether the photo in question is of the congressman or not, I would like to personally thank him for the heaping help of fodder this pickle has produced.

UPDATE:
Tiger Woods, I mean Congressman Anthony Weiner came clean (read: was backed into a corner) yesterday when he held a press conference and admitted, wait for it...that the weiner in question belonged to him! Gasp!! And, that's not all. Hold on to your briefs for this one, but there is even talk of more X-rated pictures.

What is this world coming to when a decent, married man can't send a few lewd photos over the internet, and have phone sex from his congressional office? I'm sure no one could live up to a higher standard.

Luke-isms

2011-05-30T16:21:00.001-05:00

I only made one blog post last week, but I had good reason. Brantley was out of town for five days, and well, life got in the way. It can honestly say I don't know how single moms do it. In addition to my regular mom related duties, I was left with Brantley's laundry chores. Because he's a good man, Brantley took over all laundry related tasks about a year ago. It's a very good thing because matching socks makes me want to kill myself. However, five days is a long time to go without washing clothes, so I broke down and did it ( I'm a really good person).

As it turned out, I wasn't the only one with chores to do. The cleaning ladies came on Thursday. They come about every two weeks, and I must say, it's magnificent. No one, however, is ever more excited about it than Luke. He follows them around while asking them questions they can't quite understand, or pointing out things he likes in his Thomas the Train catalog. They think it's cute at first, but after being asked, "Wadies, wadies, whatcha doin?" about forty times it becomes a little taxing. I do my best to isolate him in one room of the house while they're cleaning, so they can avoid him and work in peace.

One of the ladies is British, and cute as a button. She could honestly say, "dog turd," and I'd think it was the most charming thing I'd ever heard. She was in the bonus room when Luke escaped his quarantine and ran to talk to her. In his most polite voice he asked, "Wady, whatcha doin' in dat room?" She smiled and, in her sweet Brit accent, responded, "I'm folding your blanket."

Luke answered back, "I can't unnerstand you. Hey Mom, I cant unnerstand her. What's dat one saying?"

"Umm, she said she's folding the blanket, Luke. It's time to go to the store," I lied.

"You go, Mom. I stay here with the wadies."

"I don't think so."

Hope you have a safe and happy Memorial Day!!

Dear National Geographic,

2011-05-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

Dear National Geographic magazine,

I regret to inform you that I must cancel my subscription. It would appear that I am not mature enough to read your publication, after all. However, with pictures like these, what do you freaking want from me? (Please forgive the image quality. It was the best I could do with my camera phone, and while sitting on the commode.)

All I could think after seeing this was, "Bears Gone Wild."

This is called a Mishmash fish, and it has the most jacked up grill I have ever seen. Not even my oral surgeon could fix this. I'm not sure what country it is from, because unlike my Playboy subscription, I

only buy National Geographic for the pictures.

Really? I mean, really? From here on out I will be referring to all penises as sea cucumbers.

...and I only made it to page 52 before Luke heard me laughing and started banging on the door.

Stand-up Comedy Night Cancelled

2011-05-20T17:17:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry to anyone this may inconvenience, however, tomorrow night's Adult Comedy Night at Mama's Java has been postponed. So sorry for the unavoidable short notice. As soon as it is rescheduled you will be the first to know. I have a ten minute set raring to go.

A Brantley, and a Luke-ism: Double Your Pleasure

2011-05-18T07:48:00.001-05:00

Last night Brantley was continuously not following my orders. It was almost as if he was exercising free will.

Me- "Look, if you want to ride my gravy train, then you're going to have to follow my rules."
Brantley- "And what gravy would we be talking about?"
Me- (I pointed to a paycheck on my dresser.) "That gravy. Booya."
Brantley- "That's not even a giblet."

Later on, Brantley took the front off of Luke's crib to transition into the big boy bed he's about to be getting. We've tried this before and were met with resistance, but I digress. In celebration of this milestone Luke decided to wake up at 5:30 this morning and scream my name until I staggered into his bedroom. He took one look at me and asked, "Mom, is you ashamed? Is you ashamed, Mom?"
I mustered the energy to speak only by imagining a cup of coffee in my hand. "No, Luke, I'm not ashamed. But, it's not even 6am. Give me time."

Date Night

2011-05-16T12:59:00.003-05:00

Brantley and I had a date night on Friday. We went to the movies to see Bridesmaids, which was hilarious, and when the movie let out it was pouring down raining. Like a perfect gentleman, Brantley set out to retrieve the car so he could pick me up at the door and I wouldn't have to get wet. (I don't believe in umbrellas, but that's a story for another time.) He pulled up to the sidewalk in front of the theater, reached across the passenger seat, and flung the door open. "Get in!" he shouted, but I didn't...because it wasn't me. A few feet away from me stood a girl wearing an outfit similar to mine, who most likely thought she was about to fall victim to the laziest kidnapper of all time.
I stood watching all of this from afar and, after he realized his error, he pulled up to where I was standing. "Was she not interested?" I asked. "Negative," he responded, "But you'll do."
It was a truly romantic evening.

To Japan With Love

2011-05-09T11:37:00.002-05:00

They invented sushi and the Toyota Camry, but we can now also credit Japan with making the first ever Internet kissing machine. The interactive machine is said to work by moving your tongue around a plastic straw, which in turn makes someone else’s plastic straw wiggle around their tongue.

I know virgins and trekkies all over the world are high fiving each other over dissolving the need to ever come out of their parent’s basement again. But, is this really a good thing? Me thinks not, Japan.

Just look at Max Weissbrodt, the German inventor of the blow-up doll. Shortly after releasing his proto-type in 1955 he became a hermit, often refusing to leave his bedroom for weeks on end. Eventually his wife left him and he went on to live out the rest of his days in obscurity with his eighteen cats. You could most definitely expect a similar result with your kissing machine. This scenario would not play out well for your country as a whole, not to mention the effect it would have on the entire world. As much as I hate to say it, you guys are really good at making stuff, the kind of stuff American consumers want and need. So do us all a favor and destroy any and all Internet kissing machines at once.

PS: I especially love the Baby Mop. It really was time for babies to start earning their keep.

Luke-isms

2011-05-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

I had just stepped out of the shower and was drying off when Luke wandered into the bathroom. After he stood there staring at me for several seconds I asked, "What's wrong?" He put one hand on his hip and answered, "Nuffin, but you need to put some shoes on."

Events and Appearances

2011-05-02T06:21:00.004-05:00

October 17, 2011

Rock and Roll My Soul Event
For my fellow music lovers I have an exciting new event to announce. On September 17th, the Bunganut Pig will be hosting their 25th anniversary bash. Proceeds from the event, Rock and Roll My Soul, will go to the Musicians Care Network, an organization that provides basic health care services for musicians without health insurance.
The event, emceed by yours truly, kicks off at 11am and will go until after midnight. This outdoor concert is open to the public, and you can expect a talented lineup of notable singer/songwriters, family friendly atmosphere, petting zoo, hula hoop contests, and really great food.
Can't wait to see you there!

May 21, 2011

(UPDATE: This event has been postponed due to unavoidable circumstances. I will let you know when it is rescheduled. Thank you for understanding, and I am SO sorry for the short notice.)
Two things I never thought would happen- Osama bin Laden is dead, and I'm doing stand-up comedy.
After a little twisting of my arm, I have resolved to try my hand at live performance. Come out to Mama's Java coffee shop on May 21st to see me in stand-up comedic mode, or don't. I'm not pushy. Show starts at 6:30. Arrive early to get a seat, and don't bring the kids.

Comedy Night @ Mama's Java
~~Saturday May 21st at 6:30pm~~
7177 Nolensville Rd
Nolensville, TN

November 13, 2010

Book Signing!

Nolensville Feedmill

2-5pm

7280 Nolensville Rd.

Nolensville, TN 37135

(click here to view the Feedmill website.)

November 20, 2010

Book Signing!

Eclipse Coffee and Books

2-4pm

1032 Main Street

Montevallo, AL 35115

Deep Thoughts

2011-04-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

Suffice it to say, that if you're old enough to have heinous foot odor, then you are too old to be in the Chick-fil-a play area. Don't make me call you out on it.

Luke-isms

2011-04-25T19:26:00.002-05:00

Easter was a wonderful day packed full of fun and family. It was also packed full of a few Luke-isms.

The first one occurred during church when we were praying. Luke saw me with my eyes closed and made a reasonable assumption when he shouted, "Mom, wake up!"

The rest of the day was filled with egg relays and egg hunting, and after a while, Luke grew weary. That's when bad Luke showed up. He's the one with the sassy tongue, you know. We quickly said our goodbyes and packed up the car to leave. We were about to pull away in the car when I turned around to say something to him. That's when I discovered that he had taken off his shoes and was licking between his toes. Gross. Seriously, gross.
I said, "Luke, your feet are dirty. Don't put them in your mouth!"
However, he wasn't having anything I was selling, and he quickly piped back, "Mom, I'm licking some toes wight now!"
That's when I remembered my Mom's voice telling me to pick my battles. "That's fine," I said. "But you'll regret this one day when you read about it it in your baby book."

Vacation Recap and A Week's Worth of Luke-isms

2011-04-20T12:57:00.001-05:00

Alas, I have returned from a relaxing week at the beach feeling rejuvenated and ready to tackle all life can throw at me. Ok, truth time. It was a great week, indeed. The weather was beautiful, and the accommodations were unimaginable, but the company could have been a little better.

As luck would have it, Luke (2.5 years old) was absent, and in his place was his alter ego, Damien. I did NOT let this spoil my perfect week, but it did make things a little challenging. His latest vice is back talking, and like his dear, sweet mother he doesn’t do anything halfway. There were no four-letter words spoken, but his favorite thing to say was, “Mom, hush up! You unda-stand me?”

Brantley and I considered, and applied, all forms of discipline to include time outs, taking away toys, and my least favorite- spanking. After about a full week of trial and error, he finally responded positively to, of all things, a stern talking. Who’d a thunk it? This wasn’t discovered, however, until everyone in Destin, FL had received a, “Hush up! Wight now. You unda-stand me,” including the waitress at Crab Trap. In Luke’s defense, she totally had it coming. After waiting fifteen minutes to show up at our table, we didn’t need to hear her talk about the daily specials.

As it would turn out, the advice my Mom gave us at the beginning of the week was right on. I hate when that happens. “He’s just trying to get your attention,” she said. “Preposterous,” I thought. “He ALWAYS has our attention.” If only my Mom and I had been talking about the same type of attention, then Brantley and I wouldn’t have sat on the beach and cried one day after deciding that Luke must have Tourette’s syndrome. “Why else could he NOT stop saying, "hush up?’” we thought.

So after a week in the sun my brain was finally willing to accept the advice my Mom had oh, so quietly mentioned seven days earlier. Sometimes, the attention kids need is more than eye contact and a reprimand. I now know that a well-timed hug, kiss, and tickle fight can prevent a lot of unwanted behavior. So far, this is working for us. When Damien pops back up, and believe me he does, we address it and move on.

So to summarize, I learned on vacation how to be a better parent, that my Mom is always right (spoken under my breath), and that seagulls LOVE popcorn.

Brantley-isms from Margaritaville

2011-04-13T19:50:00.001-05:00

I'm on vacation in Florida all this week so don't expect to hear from me again. Not because I think blogging is work, but rather because I'm having to sit in the parking lot of a place called Harry T's while I steal their wifi.
So far, the week has been super relaxing and tonight we attended a free concert at the Baytowne Wharf. While enjoying the music, I spotted what I thought to be an old girlfriend from nursing school. I nudged Brantley and asked him if he thought it was the same girl.
"I don't know what she looks like," he said.
"What do you mean, you don't know what she looks like? She came to our wedding."
"Lori, how am I supposed to remember anything about that day?"
"Good point," I said.
"I do kinda regret being that wasted at our wedding," he added.
"We all do, Sweetie. We all do."

Come See Our New Look!

2011-04-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

If you are an email subscriber who doesn't visit the actual site too often, stop back in and take a gander at Loripalooza's new look. I may continue to make a few minor tweaks here and there, but other than that we are up and running, shiny and new.

I credit my tech savvy friend, Beth, with all of the changes. Let me know what you think! If you don't like the new look, I can get you Beth's email address and phone number. (Just kidding, Beth.)

http://www.loripalooza.com/

Hey Tramp, Get A Life!

2011-04-05T13:40:00.000-05:00

Lori Wescott, life coach is back and ready to address the subject of infidelity. Spoiler alert! I don't hold back.

I’m speaking directly to all you tramps out there. To be clear, a tramp is a cheater, male or female. Many of you tramps get into a cycle of dating/seeking someone who is already married or attached. Make no mistake. This behavior is pathetic, and if you wish to lead a life you can be proud of then you have to stop immediately.

It is imperative that you search yourself and find out what causes you to be attracted to someone who is unavailable. Perhaps you crave excitement and adrenaline. If this is the case, then develop a meth habit so you can go from ruining lots of lives, to just your own. Other times tramps go after S.O.S (someone else’s spouse) because they feel there is less competition. Rather than competing with a sea of other eligible candidates, you only have one person to compete with. However, what this really means is that you have very low self-esteem. Try to keep in mind that no matter how many relationships you wreck, you will still have a poor self-image. I can’t stress this enough. Do what you need to do to handle your “Waaah, waaah. Woe is me,” self esteem issues and stop messing around with S.O.S.

“But Lori, it takes two people to cheat.”

Cut the crap. It may take two people to cheat, but it only takes one person to start it. Remember, no one likes a tramp. Not even your mom. And, just because something makes you happy, doesn’t mean it’s ok.

Until next time, try to Get A Life.

Under Construction

2011-04-04T17:09:00.000-05:00

In the coming days Loripalooza will be undergoing a face lift. So if you visit the website and find it in disarray, don't cry. It will be up and running again shortly. And don't worry, it will still be recognizable.

A Moment in Pop Culture

2011-03-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

Back again! Ready and willing to pop your culture. Let’s get started, shall we?

Michael Lohan was arrested recently for assaulting his girlfriend. This has left people everywhere asking, “is he a good role model?”

Leah and baby-daddy Corey from the MTV reality show Teen Mom, are now married, and despite herself, she wore a white dress at the wedding. Corey donned a tuxedo with a camouflage vest and wedding band. His grand kids will be excited to inherit that one day. It looked to be a classy event where everrbody did their har up faincy-like.

Angelina Jolie reportedly made another comment about how monogamy isn’t necessary in a relationship. Always a big surprise coming from such a man-stealing whore.

And finally, Chris Brown had a violent meltdown after an appearance on Good Morning America last week. In his defense, he was upset over the interview questions selected by Robin Roberts, and he broke a window in his dressing room because there was no one in there he could hit.

Leigh Does China

2011-03-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

My sister, Leigh, and her boyfriend, Carl, made it safely back from China this week. I talked to her on Thursday and we had a nice long conversation about everything they did and saw. After talking with her for about an hour we wrapped up the conversation and before we hung up I asked, “So nothing crazy or scary happened on your trip?” Then, as if she were recounting a trip to the post office she added, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I was hit by a car and attacked by a monkey.”

Apparently China doesn’t have stringent traffic laws, or in some places, traffic lights. She was attempting to cross an intersection, on a crosswalk no less, when she was hit. “It just rolled me up on the hood and pushed me forward a little. It didn’t hurt.”

As for the monkey story, Leigh and Carl were posing for a picture when someone happened by with their pet monkey. It immediately ran up her leg, crawling across her face, and stopping on top of her head. “I wasn’t sure of the laws regarding monkeys and self defense, so I just kind of stood there. I didn’t want to end up in a Chinese prison for punching a monkey in the face.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Fortunately for me, the person with the camera kept snapping, and for that I say thank you.

Alter Ego- Lori Wescott, Life Coach

2011-03-22T20:46:00.000-05:00

The other day I said to myself, “I could use some extra money, but I don’t want to bother going back to school.” I knew my only two options were being a freelance plumber, or a life coach. I quickly marked plumbing off the list because I’ve been told that I’m not a “good worker,” whatever that means. So life coaching it is!

I have been totally committed to helping others better themselves through my instruction and advice for four full days now. However, I’ve been touching people’s lives for years. Just read this testimonial from one of my clients.

“Lori has been coaching my life since we met about ten years ago. I can always count on her to jump in and correct me before I make a decision. She’s not very subtle. I got a life with Lori Wescott and so can you.” -Brantley, from Tennessee

Everyone could use a little improvement in their lives. Follow Brantley’s lead and start living a happier, more attractive existence today. I can help you with relationship advice, occupational dilemmas, ridiculous self-loathing, general whinery, crap-ass attitudes, PMS, and more.

Stay tuned to Loripalooza for further advice from Lori Wescott, Life Coach on subjects such as, “If You Think Everyone Hates You, They Probably Do,” and “Exercise Is For the Morbidly Obese.”

Things a Parent Should Never Have to Say

2011-03-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

If you’re a parent, then you know there are things you should never have to tell your kids. If you don’t have children, then I’m sure you remember hearing something similar from your moms and dads. I got some help on this post from my friends on Facebook. If you haven’t connected with me on Facebook or Twitter, there’s no time like the present.

Here are a few things that should go without saying.

Why are you eating that worm off the ground?
We do NOT bite balls.
We don’t lick doorknobs.
Come get this snake off my desk.
Why did you drink that unknown substance out of a cup left in the parking lot?
Yes, you can sleep with the dust buster, but don't turn it on.
Please don't lick the chocolate off your hands after touching the toilet seat.
Don’t bounce on your sister’s head.
Don't eat the faucet!
Did you wipe and flush?
We don't take our pants off in the liquor store.
Any girl that mounts you on the playground is not the marrying kind. Yes, I understand that it was fun, but she sit's on top of a lot of boys.
Please take your athletic cup off the kitchen table. How would you like to eat breakfast with my bra in front of you?

Leigh, Don't Order the Pu Pu Platter!

2011-03-12T20:14:00.000-06:00

My baby sis and her boyfriend departed two days ago for China. I, myself, have never traveled outside of the states, but I had some advice for her nonetheless.

Don't be surprised if someone hits a gong every time you try to speak. It's just their custom.
Don't pack baby powder in a zip lock baggy to save room in your suitcase. (Yeah, she's done it before.)
Don't drink water straight from a river like our genius, eldest sister did in Honduras. You don't want to be harboring a parasite upon your return home.
Don't do anything that could render you spending time in a Chinese prison. Lifetime movies portray it as being really rough.

That was all of the knowledge I imparted to her, but I did request she bring me back a souvenir that captured the essence of China, e.g. a headband like Ralph Macchio wore in Karate Kid, a fortune cookie, or a T-shirt that says, "Me love you long time."

Deep Thoughts

2011-03-08T16:04:00.000-06:00

If you shoot for the stars and accidentally hit the moon, that makes you a failure.

Luke-isms

2011-03-03T20:08:00.000-06:00

Today Luke and I ventured to Whole Foods to have lunch and grab a few grocery items. After about half an hour, I decided Luke needed to try to potty. Needless to say, ten minutes later, he had still not gone to the bathroom, but had managed to touch every filthy surface in the room. I washed his hands in the sink, and then began to wash my own. At the same time, Luke heard another bathroom patron begin to use the bathroom. Without a second thought, he immediately stuck his head under the door of her stall and said, "Oh! Good job, sir!"

I scooped him up, with soap still on my hands, and ran out the door. So, to the lady wearing gray sweatpants and brown Birkenstocks, in the next to last stall at Whole Foods, I apologize.

Brantley-isms

2011-03-02T19:03:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted anything in several days because I was a little under the weather, and Brantley had me on a strict technology hiatus while I rested. As you might imagine, I couldn't have spent that much time relaxing with my family, without hearing one or two Brantley-isms. I apologize ahead of time for this one.

One night as we sat watching Curious George, I became exasperated. "Why on earth does the man with the yellow hat keep George around if he constantly messes everything up?"
Brantley spoke quietly so Luke couldn't hear what he said. "Are you kidding me? Three words- monkey hand jobs."
"Isn't that two words?" I asked.
"No, I'm pretty sure 'hand' and 'job' are two separate words."
"Hmm, I'm not so sure. Besides, that's ridiculous."
He added, "You know, monkeys basically have two sets of hands."
"Ok, enough. Thank you."

I haven't seen that show in the same light since.

Happy Marriage Tips

2011-02-22T19:06:00.000-06:00

Life is like a box of dollar store condoms. You never know what you're going to get.

Luke-isms

2011-02-17T19:31:00.000-06:00

Luke and I have been enjoying the warmer weather and decided to take a trip to the zoo. When we arrived I said, "What would you like to see first?" He answered, "The Americans and the cows."

Oddly enough, it took a couple of minutes to find an American, and we have cows in Nolensville. Next time we'll save gas and stay in town.

The full article: The Doghouse and a Three Hour Lunch

2011-02-17T07:33:00.000-06:00

My apologies for a non-functioning link yesterday. Here is the full article in all its glory...

I found myself in a new position this past Valentine’s Day. Get your minds out of the gutter. I’m referring to the doghouse. Here’s how it all went down. Every weekday my husband, Brantley, listens to the radio show, Three Hour Lunch, on 104.5 The Zone. You could call it his “me” time, and during our tenure together I have had quite a few chances to enjoy the show myself. Blaine Bishop, Clay Travis and Brent Dougherty are the hosts, and even though I don’t always know what they’re talking about they still manage to make me laugh. Well, yesterday I got one of my really good ideas. I thought, “Wouldn’t it be great if I infiltrated Brantley’s precious radio show by being one of the callers?” I toyed with this idea while I listened to the humorous Three Hour Lunch commentary. It was around noon when one of the hosts brought up the subject of bad Valentine’s Day gifts. He said they would be taking calls and wanted to hear about the worst Valentine’s Day gift you ever received. However, it sounded more to me like, “Hey Lori, it’s God. Call this number. Everyone would LOVE to hear what you have to say.” How could I say no?

I almost died when I heard, “Lori from Nolensville, you’re on the air with Three Hour Lunch.” I tried to keep it short and sweet while sticking to the facts. “Hey guys, I love your show. I wanted to tell you that the worst Valentine’s Day gift I ever received was a hair dryer from my husband.” The collective group broke into laughter and one of the hosts asked why my husband would’ve gotten me such a thing. I went on to explain that he was a pharmacist when one of the fellas interrupted with, “No, he DID NOT just pick something off the shelf at Walgreen’s while he was at work?”

I came to the end of my story and was quite certain I would soon be cut off, but I wasn’t quite finished. I can’t recall my exact words, but it went something like this. “Guys, if I may, I’d like to send him a Valentine over the airways while he listens on his way to work. Hey honey, SUCK IT!” My comments were again met with laughter, and as I guessed I was promptly cut off. I waited about ten seconds and then called my husband, Brantley. I could tell by his voice that he was a little apprehensive, but he laughed it off. However, as the day passed, he had more time to think it over, and I guess it hurt his ego a bit. I began feeling a little coldness in his text messages. I asked if he was angry and he responded with, “No more radio calls for you.” I couldn’t believe it. It was my first radio call ever, and I had rocked it. He couldn’t make me hide my light under a bushel. Or could he?

I started feeling guilty, but why? It’s not like public ridicule is new to our relationship. It may be a first for the radio, but I’ve been making fun of him twice a week for three years on the web, and he has (almost) always approved. Not to mention, playful teasing is how I show my affection. I’m like the eight-year-old boy who runs up and punches you in the stomach on the playground to tell you that he’s interested.

Regardless of my explanations and excuses, I was in the doghouse. I can honestly say that I haven’t spent a lot of time there during our relationship so that either means I’m really awesome, or my husband is really forgiving. Assuming that the latter is most likely true, I decided to make some changes. So, from now on, I am going to make a concerted effort to stay out of his sacred, sports radio territory, and if that includes Three Hour Lunch, then so be it. (Single tear rolls down my cheek.) I will also try to mature in my displays of affection to that of at least a fifth grade level, and to prove that, I have one question for my dear, sweet husband. Will you go with me? Check yes or no.

The Doghouse and a 3-Hour Lunch

2011-02-15T20:09:00.000-06:00

Harry Baals

2011-02-13T08:57:00.000-06:00

I don't know if you noticed, but the second and third highest number of votes was for the Deez Gnutz Community Center, and the Arie Hola Hispanic Heritage Building. However, I am really pulling for the Harry Baals Government Center because I would really hate to disappoint the Baals family. I don't know if Fort Wayne has ever seen that many blue Baals at once.

Special thanks to Robin O'Bryant at Robin's Chicks for introducing me to the Harry Baals video. I've watched it eight times now, and it just keeps getting better.

Relationship Advice: Valentine's Day Edition

2011-02-09T11:39:00.000-06:00

As Valentine’s Day approaches, men and women everywhere are racking their brains over what to do/buy their partner for this special day. Guys, I feel your pain. I too, realize that this is a phony holiday, most likely thought up by some chick in high school who ALWAYS had a boyfriend, and never once had to watch everyone else in the class receive bouquets of flowers, all the while thinking, “Please let this one be mine. Please be mine. Please be mine. Damn it, why did she get two.” But, I digress. If we have to have one day a year dedicated to forcing our spouses to be romantic, then so be it. Therefore, to aid in your dilemma over how to impress him/her, I’ve come up with a few suggestions.

Keep in mind this day is about being a giver, and not a taker. So I say to you fellas, let her watch what she wants on TV for a while. This includes, dare I say, anything on the Hallmark channel or the Lifetime Movie Network. Worse things have happened than you having to see three movies in a row starring Tori Spelling. If you have to, just pretend Tori has her clothes off. Another option is to bring back the manners you exercised when you were dating. Brantley has never been so attractive as he was yesterday when he said, “You have ten seconds to vacate the room before I fart.” I truly felt like a princess. To take it one step further, you could close your mouth while chewing (this especially goes for you mouth breathers), and for the love of God, use the can of air freshener that sits on the back of the commode. It’s not just for looks.

Ladies, try to keep in mind that Valentine’s Day is NOT all about you. It’s just as important to give your fella that special attention he so deserves. Consider trading him one hour of uninterrupted silence while he watches Nova, for a 15-minute back rub. I would discourage you from asking for a one-hour back rub because you know he’s going to get bored and lose interest after about fifteen minutes.

Keep in mind the importance of setting time aside for each other. Everyone makes time for work, TV, and kids so why not schedule some one-on-one leisure time. Take a walk through the park together, but keep it simple. No one wants to see you making out in public any day of the year. In fact, your PDA could cause the joggers to dehydrate from vomiting which makes this a public health concern. You may hold hands at the most. Also avoid saying things like, “Yeah, I’ll go to the park with you, but I don’t want to hear you complaining about your damn allergies tonight.” That could really take the spontaneity out of the event.

Now, let’s move on to a more sensitive subject- the bedroom. Nothing could be worse than falling into a same ol’, same ol’ routine. So, instead veer away from the humdrum and try something new. Now fellas, if you’re thinking that life in the sack is fine and, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Trust me when I say you’re good, but you’re not THAT good. There’s always room for improvement. Role-playing is a great way to add some excitement to the mundane. Whether you’re reenacting a scene from When Harry Met Sally or Alien vs. Predator, you’re effort won’t go unnoticed. If I can speak candidly, nothing gets my goat like Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. I am putty in his hands for a good Mushmouth impression.

It’s also important to remember that men and women want different things. For some women, the before and after is just as important as the middle. All cutleries were NOT created equally, so it’s just as important to spoon as it is to fork. Cuddle time is generally high on a lady’s agenda.

I think I’ve given you some valuable tools to put some much needed spice back into your as-good-as-dead, just-goin’-through-the-motions relationships. Now get out there and love each other. Just don’t do it in public.

Politely Rude: A Luke-ism

2011-02-05T09:22:00.000-06:00

During yesterday's lunch date with Luke (2.5yo) I experienced embarrassment to the umpteenth degree. We were at Zaxby's in Franklin where they had one of the sweetest little old lady employees. She was over the moon for Luke and would give him hugs and kisses every time she passed our table. However, there came a point when he could take no more of this affection. "Pwease stop touching me, sir," he said as he brushed off one of her hugs. I choked on my sweet tea and was quite certain it would come out my nose. Based on the smile on her face and the hearing aids in her ears, I don't think she knew what he had said. With that, we wrapped up lunch and headed home. I was determined to avoid and further mouthy mishaps. "From the mouths of babes," as they say, "sometimes excrement spews forth." I may have made the last part up, but you know it's true.

Wouldn't Want To Be In His Shoes

2011-02-04T07:55:00.000-06:00

Fashion designer Kenneth Cole earned the title of Twitter asshole yesterday when he tweeted to the world, "Millions are in uproar in #Cairo. Rumor is they heard our new spring collection is now available online..." Way to be sensitive there, KC. You're joke was almost as funny as rape. Maybe next time you should stick with sweat shop humor. It would be more appropriate. Mr. Cole later deleted his tweet and issued an apology. In a related story, Kanye West was relieved to pass the title of Twitter asshole to someone else.

I'm Getting Softer

2011-02-01T19:01:00.000-06:00

I'm getting a water softener for my birthday. Don't hate. I'm very excited about it. Truth be told, I'm a practical girl, and a water softener would be a wonderful addition to my home. Having said that, we are in the process of getting estimates from different companies.
Company number one came out this evening, and the "water specialist" was very knowledgable (read: expensive). Not wanting to be rude, I offered him a glass of hard water. He declined my offer.
"No thanks, you're water is full of chemicals."
I knew a sales pitch when I heard one. "Real cute," I said. "That's why I drink soda."

Lori-1, Benjamin Franklin Plumbing-0.

The Greatest Show On Earth

2011-01-28T09:02:00.000-06:00

You might not believe it, but I ventured to the circus over the weekend. As many of you know, the circus is a place I have felt great contempt for in the past. The elephant poop, the uncomfortable seats, eighty dollar funnel cakes, and scary clowns always left me with a feeling of sensory overload and nausea. However, there comes a time in your life when you make sacrifices for your kids. For me, that time was Sunday at 10:00 AM.

For the patrons who arrived to the show early, there was a preshow on the circus floor. It was a chance to see the dancers, acrobats and elephants up close. Luke LOVED it. At two and a half years old, I wondered if it would be too much for him, or if he would be afraid of the clowns. My wonder ceased with the start of the first act. There wasn’t a clown in sight during the pre-show. He loved watching the acrobats fly through the air, and when that was over, they invited all of the kids into the ring for a dance party. They had barely gotten the words “dance party” out before Luke had dived over the barrier and was front and center in the ring. Rather than standing with the other kids, Luke went to the front and stood next to the instructor while he shook his groove thang. This was the highlight of the circus for me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I won't rest until that kid knows how to pop and lock.

Of course for the real show, there were lots of animals- tigers, elephants, llamas, donkeys, a dog that rode a horse, and of course, camel toes on each of the acrobats. They debuted motor cycles in a cage, clowns, a strong man, and a midget named Nano. All in all, it was very entertaining, and had Luke not tuckered out, we would’ve stayed for the whole show. The elephant excrement I had expected to smell was nowhere to be found. Thanks to whoever cleans up that mess, because they did a really good job. I was also pleasantly surprised that no one’s epilepsy seemed to be effected by the flashing lights. My only disappointment was not getting to see the midget stick his head in a tiger’s mouth. I was really hoping for that. Damn you, OSHA.