Bump Off

My son, Luke, had just returned from a weeklong stay with his grandparents and he, Brantley and I were going out as a family. We decided to stop at a local restaurant for dinner and some live music. In addition to getting my boy back, I was rocking a new outfit and debuting my “Bumpits.” It was going to be a good night.

For those of you who don’t know, Bumpits is an “As seen on TV” plastic contraption that you put in your hair for extra volume. I had been skeptical at first, but the southern girl in me had to try it. It came as a set of three Bumpits- small, medium and large, depending on the size of the desired bump. After trying all three, I decided on the smallest one. The two larger ones created hair far bigger than I would ever need and would only be suitable at a country prom or perhaps a “really nice” car race.

So there I was enjoying some music and food with my family and chatting with acquaintances sitting nearby. In addition to rocking a new outfit and a stellar bump, I was being especially witty. I was throwing out one-liners left and right and people were cracking up. I was totally ON! Noticing a few people were staring at my hair, I gloated with the thought of their jealousy. It eventually got late and we headed home.

On my way up the stairs to my room I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought I saw something light up. After almost dismissing it, I decided to take a closer look. There before me was, not only exposed Bumpits, but also a half dead lightning bug that had become tangled in the mess of hair, hairspray and hard plastic. Those people hadn’t been laughing at my jokes after all. They were laughing at me and the blinking neon sign reading, “hey everybody, look at her Bumpits.” I might as well have had spinach in my teeth, toilet paper stuck to my shoe and the bottom of my skirt tucked in my panties.

After scolding Brantley for not calling it to my attention sooner (to which he replied, “it looks like it always does”) I decided to suck it up and let it go. I realized that this wasn’t important enough to get upset over and that’s the lesson I hope you take from this. Never take yourself too seriously and…oh screw that. Here’s the lesson: if you were at Uncle Bud’s last Saturday night and you laughed at me and the beacon of light shining off of my head, I know who you are AND it’s on!