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Monday, April 5, 2010

How to Save a Marriage

Fifty percent of all marriages in the United States are doomed for failure every year. Are infidelity or financial problems to blame? Perhaps, however, there is one commonly overlooked problem that has been plaguing the sanctity of matrimony since the beginning of time. I’m talking, of course, about night time flatulence.

It never fails. One moment you’re sleeping blissfully, and the next thing you know, you’re awakened from a sweet dream with nostrils burning. You finish dry heaving, grab your pillow and head for the couch. You hate to admit it, but your spouse’s intestinal drama has officially driven a wedge into your marriage.

Well, ladies and gentleman, I have good news. Take the money you were wasting on a marriage counselor, or divorce attorney, and invest in the Better Marriage Blanket. This blanket, made with activated carbon, neutralizes gas odors quickly and easily. Don’t just take my word for it. Frank, from New York writes, “Hey, my farts don’t smell anymore.” Good for you, Frank! We’re all pulling for you. And Elena, from Arizona, says she hasn’t woken herself up since she started using it. I’m sure her eight cats are thrilled to be free of her dutch oven.

So, before you start wondering if you’re destined to be alone, try the Better Marriage Blanket and watch your one night stands turn into two and three night stands. Help is but a phone call away. Operators are probably standing by.