To Japan With Love

They invented sushi and the Toyota Camry, but we can now also credit Japan with making the first ever Internet kissing machine.  The interactive machine is said to work by moving your tongue around a plastic straw, which in turn makes someone else’s plastic straw wiggle around their tongue.

I know virgins and trekkies all over the world are high fiving each other over dissolving the need to ever come out of their parent’s basement again. But, is this really a good thing?  Me thinks not, Japan.

Just look at Max Weissbrodt, the German inventor of the blow-up doll.  Shortly after releasing his proto-type in 1955 he became a hermit, often refusing to leave his bedroom for weeks on end.  Eventually his wife left him and he went on to live out the rest of his days in obscurity with his eighteen cats.  You could most definitely expect a similar result with your kissing machine.  This scenario would not play out well for your country as a whole, not to mention the effect it would have on the entire world.  As much as I hate to say it, you guys are really good at making stuff, the kind of stuff American consumers want and need.  So do us all a favor and destroy any and all Internet kissing machines at once. 

PS: I especially love the Baby Mop. It really was time for babies to start earning their keep.