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Monday, November 12, 2012

Bicentennial Period

This post will be written as delicately as possible because there are still people out there who think having your period somehow involves pouring a blue liquid from a beaker onto a maxi pad. I'll do my best to not blow their empty skulls minds.

After Luke was born I was fitted with an amazing birth control device called Mirena™. It's an IUD which keeps me from being able to make a baby for five years. I'd prefer longer, but for now that will do. If I had another kid right now, or any time or any time in the future it's name would be Cutter, regardless of the gender, but I digress. Another lovely add-on to having this IUD is that I have no monthly reminder of how much I hate everything, but chocolate.

I've reaped the benefits of this month to month freedom for four years in a row. That is, until yesterday. To be honest, it has left me in a state of uncontrollable wrath followed by tears, hunger, and more wrath. My husband is handling it as best he can, despite receiving some very bipolar test messages from me yesterday. The first, "DO IT YOUR ^%$#@!* SELF!" was followed by, "Please bring home any type of roasted nut, and a real coke. It better not be diet." He complied out of fear of the next message saying, "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

I awoke this morning angry because the sun had risen again despite everything going on in my life. This left with me with no other choice but to make a raised middle finger my first form of communication for the day.

I will now share with you a list of things that make me angry, followed by a video that really captures my sentiments.

(Say I won't)

Things That Make Me Want To Cut A Ho

  • People who leave their windshield wipers on after it has stopped raining, causing them to skip across the windshield with a, "bump-ump-ump-ump-ump," sound. 
  • People who use umbrellas to block the sun when they're NOT at the beach. "Hey lady waiting for a bus, it's called vitamin-D. Cover your melanoma with a band aid and get some."
  • People who disagree with me.
  • People who agree with me. Get your own opinion. This one's mine.
  • People who walk through a door that you held open for them and don't say, "Thank you." Your welcome, your majesty. Shall I help you blow your nose, as well?
  • Autocorrect for changing the spelling of my bad words AND my good words. I really appreciate it when I type, "Well," and Autocorrect changes it to, "Wellbutrin." 
  • People who chew with their mouths open. You know who you are. 
  • Ghost, Big Foot and chupacabra skeptics. How much more evidence do you need?
  • Coupon scammers- because that's what they are.
  • Things that are too high for me to reach. I'm 5'3" and I will most likely get shorter with age. Get a clue. All I want is olive oil to cook our dinner and the note clearly reads, "Hey dildo, don't put anything above this shelf." Was I too vague?
  • Puppies

Please enjoy the video while I cry into my pillow for now reason at all.