Mama Tiger

We’ve had quite a bit of rain in Nashville lately. I know it’s necessary for survival but it really puts a damper on my world because most of my eleven month old son’s entertainment comes from outdoor activities. Well it rained again yesterday so I decided we would check out the Discovery Center in Murfreesboro. It’s an indoor facility where children can run around and play while stimulating their little minds at the same time. This would be a sure fix for Luke’s rainy day cabin fever.

When we arrived there around noon the place was packed. It turned out that I wasn’t the only desperate mom with a genius plan. As soon as we walked in the door we were greeted with temper tantrums and meltdowns from kids in every direction. One little boy in particular was running around, snatching things, pushing other kids out of his way and being an all around asshole. I would never use that word regarding a child unless it was really true…but he was an asshole. His parents were dragging along behind him and looked as if he had worked them over as well. They were evidently no match for him. I couldn’t believe all the other parents putting up with this little beast that was pushing their own kids around. I would never sit idly by and watch someone bully my little boy without saying a word, I thought.

We decided to forego all the madness and went to the other side of the room to check out the tractor station. Luke and I climbed inside and in no time he was pushing buttons and playing with the steering wheel. Just then who crashes our private tractor party but the little A-hole himself. He jumped inside the cab with us and pushed Luke aside pinning him between the wall and the steering wheel of the tractor all the while shouting, “Me first! Me first!” Luke then began to cry and Mama Tiger was officially pissed off.

His parents walked over and gently pleaded, “Stephen, buddy, it’s not your turn. Give him a chance,” but they were interrupted with “shut up!” I knew then that it was all up to me. It was “go time” and there was a good chance that I was going to be in the paper the next day. I needed to free Luke so I tried gently pushing little Stephen aside while reasoning with him. I explained to him that Luke was stuck and that he was scared because he is just a baby. Little Stephen didn’t budge and Luke was now screaming. I pleaded, “It’s not your turn! We were here first.” No acknowledgement.

I looked around for his parents and they were nowhere to be found. It then hit me that I couldn’t pick this four year old up and move him out of the way (or body slam him) AND I was obviously losing our verbal exchange. Or was I? Hit with my second stroke of genius for the day, I leaned over pretending to talk to Luke but instead looked straight at little Stephen. Then quietly yet firmly and with a smile on my face I said, “Your boots are ugly, Santa isn’t real and your mommy doesn’t love you.” And just like that he jumped down and ran away. What do you know? Kids can be reasoned with.

As soon as he was gone I picked up Luke who was getting ready to hyperventilate from crying so hard. He was fine and the whole ordeal probably lasted less than two minutes although it seemed like an eternity. I must say that despite sinking low and hitting little Stephen below the belt I had no guilt whatsoever. I felt like the king of the world. Little Stephen will probably require some therapy after what I said to him and at the very least have nightmares for a few months but don’t you worry about him. He learned a very valuable lesson yesterday. Don’t f@#% with my kid.