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Monday, October 5, 2009

Morning Timeline, by guest blogger Jodi Burrus

Three Short Hours

5:45 — Triplets are up. Jack is still asleep. Consider waking him up just so we can all suffer together.

6:00 — Potty time finished and new pull-ups on. Sam and Tom immediately pee themselves.

6:15 — Breakfast on the table. Two Apple Jacks and One Cheerios. Still no sign of Jack.

6:45 — Jack shows up and demands sausage biscuits instead of cereal (@#$%!!! I know where this will lead).

6:48 — Trips see Jack’s sausage biscuits and each want one of their own despite the fact that 1) they’ve just eaten cereal and 2) they all hate sausage biscuits.

6:50 — Prepare more sausage biscuits and distribute to Sam, Tom and Will only to be told immediately, “I don-wike-it, mommy.”

7:00 — After suitable waiting period in which no food is consumed, throw uneaten sausage biscuits in garbage.

7:15 — Enjoying the cartoon hour by catching up on e-mail, blog comments (I LOVE blog comments).

7:16 — Will re-enters the room sans pants. Notice both he and Sam are soaking wet, and there is a tell tale sign of poop lingering on Will’s bum.

7:16 – 7:30 — Retrace their path. Find pooled water around bathroom sink and dog’s water bowl. Cannot locate dirty pull-up but am assured through limited vocabulary and expansive sign language that said pull-up is now in the garbage and it’s contents flushed down the toilet. Clean up of Will, Sam and bathroom floor complete.

7:30 to 7:45 — Mommy breakfast. Warm SlimFast. Mmmmm. (*gag*) And more cartoons.

7:45 to 8:00 — Outfits assembled for all four boys. Underwear donned. Socks and shoes distributed.

8:00 — Just finishing dressing the last boy in line when Sam shoves a crumpled paper towel under my nose, narrowly missing my face. Inside?–a turd.

8:00 to 8:20 — Hysterical screaming. Fruitless demands to be apprised of any further hidden turd locations. Current turd placed in garbage and all garbage removed to outside cans as a precaution.

8:25 — Notice Sam is eating a sausage biscuit. Weren’t all the sausage biscuits in the garbage with the turd?

8:25 to 8:28 — Hysterical screaming, followed by discovery that Sam actually hid his sausage biscuit ration in the kitchen, and so it’s probably o.k. to let him finish it.

8:29 — Realize I need to use the bathroom. Determine that there is no way I’m leaving these crazies unguarded so plan to put it off as long as possible.

8:35 — Decide wetting own pants a possibility. Opt to risk a bathroom break. Warn Sam not to feed the dog the rest of his sausage biscuit.

8:35:30 — Jack barges into the bathroom to inform me the dog has just thrown up. Guess why.

8:36 to 8:45 — Hysterical screaming.

9:00 — School Dropoff. I shed tears of pure joy as I drive away. Realize it’s only 4 hours until pickup. Progress to uncontrollable weeping, then head home to spend two of those precious hours disinfecting the entire first floor of my house.

Isn’t it 5:00 SOMEWHERE????

Click HERE to read more from Jodi Burrus.