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Monday, June 7, 2010

Don't be a Baby

I was working in the yard last weekend while my son played beside me with his trains. Suddenly and without warning, he began shouting. The shouting then turned into red faced screaming. His trains had obviously done something wrong, but what? I tried without success to remedy the situation, but his disposition worsened with every attempt. A full on temper tantrum ensued. I sat there watching what had always been my even tempered two year old with fear and puzzlement. That’s when I was hit with the best idea of my life. Three words: toddler cage fighting.

A new twist on mixed martial arts (MMA) might be just what the doctor ordered. I know what you’re thinking. Why mess with perfection, right? Just hear me out.

Your kid has just embarrassed you at a play date by throwing himself on the floor after refusing to share his toys. You could put him in time out and listed to him cry for five minutes, or you could ding the bell and put him in a cage. Wisely, you choose the latter.

“Ladies and gentleman, wearing a Huggies diaper and white wife beater, we have Luke Duke’em Wescott weighing in at twenty eight pounds.”

Another mom places her child in the cage with Luke because she wrongly assumes it is a Pack and Play. Epic mistake. Luke’s Thomas the Train tattoos and bubble gum cigarette should’ve been a dead give away, but it wasn’t. A struggle quickly ensues and the other moms begin placing bets. Before you know it, some unsuspecting “high rollers” emerge from the maternal pack and you have a good chance of making a sweet return on your play date. The crowd immediately separates into two camps, breast fed versus formula fed, and trash talking begins. Eureka! Being a mom has just gotten a lot cooler. Just then, Luke Duke ‘em deals a low blow and bites the other lad on the shoulder. As the rules clearly state, the first tot to cry loses. Luke emerges victorious and you just scored enough money to buy a new Vera Bradley purse. Win-win!

Ladies, it’s time to stop hawking jewelry and makeup. Cancel the Tupperware party and invite your friends over for the big fight. With a slogan like, “Don’t be a baby,” or “We breed soldiers,” you won’t have to ask your husband twice to get on board. Nothing will touch a father’s heart more than watching his daughter drop an elbow on the next door neighbor’s kid. The fight over who has the best rose bushes just became irrelevant.

No longer do we have to be the unsuspecting victims of our kids’ angered emotions. No longer do we have to be robbed of our peaceful moments in motherhood. It’s time to turn the tables and tack back control. Together we can turn frustration and anxiety over our children's bad behavior into a monetary reward. Don’t be a baby. Support toddler cage fighting.