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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Relationship Advice: Valentine's Day Edition

As Valentine’s Day approaches, men and women everywhere are racking their brains over what to do/buy their partner for this special day.  Guys, I feel your pain.  I too, realize that this is a phony holiday, most likely thought up by some chick in high school who ALWAYS had a boyfriend, and never once had to watch everyone else in the class receive bouquets of flowers, all the while thinking, “Please let this one be mine. Please be mine. Please be mine. Damn it, why did she get two.”  But, I digress.  If we have to have one day a year dedicated to forcing our spouses to be romantic, then so be it.  Therefore, to aid in your dilemma over how to impress him/her, I’ve come up with a few suggestions.

Keep in mind this day is about being a giver, and not a taker. So I say to you fellas, let her watch what she wants on TV for a while.  This includes, dare I say, anything on the Hallmark channel or the Lifetime Movie Network.  Worse things have happened than you having to see three movies in a row starring Tori Spelling.  If you have to, just pretend Tori has her clothes off.  Another option is to bring back the manners you exercised when you were dating.  Brantley has never been so attractive as he was yesterday when he said, “You have ten seconds to vacate the room before I fart.”  I truly felt like a princess.  To take it one step further, you could close your mouth while chewing (this especially goes for you mouth breathers), and for the love of God, use the can of air freshener that sits on the back of the commode. It’s not just for looks.

Ladies, try to keep in mind that Valentine’s Day is NOT all about you.  It’s just as important to give your fella that special attention he so deserves.  Consider trading him one hour of uninterrupted silence while he watches Nova, for a 15-minute back rub.  I would discourage you from asking for a one-hour back rub because you know he’s going to get bored and lose interest after about fifteen minutes. 

Keep in mind the importance of setting time aside for each other.  Everyone makes time for work, TV, and kids so why not schedule some one-on-one leisure time.  Take a walk through the park together, but keep it simple.  No one wants to see you making out in public any day of the year.  In fact, your PDA could cause the joggers to dehydrate from vomiting which makes this a public health concern.  You may hold hands at the most.  Also avoid saying things like, “Yeah, I’ll go to the park with you, but I don’t want to hear you complaining about your damn allergies tonight.”  That could really take the spontaneity out of the event. 

Now, let’s move on to a more sensitive subject- the bedroom.  Nothing could be worse than falling into a same ol’, same ol’ routine.  So, instead veer away from the humdrum and try something new.  Now fellas, if you’re thinking that life in the sack is fine and, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Trust me when I say you’re good, but you’re not THAT good.  There’s always room for improvement.  Role-playing is a great way to add some excitement to the mundane.  Whether you’re reenacting a scene from When Harry Met Sally or Alien vs. Predator, you’re effort won’t go unnoticed.  If I can speak candidly, nothing gets my goat like Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.  I am putty in his hands for a good Mushmouth impression. 

It’s also important to remember that men and women want different things.  For some women, the before and after is just as important as the middle.  All cutleries were NOT created equally, so it’s just as important to spoon as it is to fork.  Cuddle time is generally high on a lady’s agenda. 

I think I’ve given you some valuable tools to put some much needed spice back into your as-good-as-dead, just-goin’-through-the-motions relationships.  Now get out there and love each other.  Just don’t do it in public.