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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Hey Koala, Wrap It Up!

Worldcrunch, a global news site that translates stories of foreign languages into English, has just reported that a new danger faces the Australian koala.  In addition to climate change, and the decreasing size of their habitat, these endearing marsupials are now battling chlamydia.  This raises an important question besides, “Who raped those koalas?” The question is, “What do Australians need to do in order to combat the koala clap?”

The first step in treating any illness is prevention, and that begins with education.  The koalas must be taught the importance of safe sex because let’s face it, people have been preaching the importance of koala abstinence-until-marriage forever. Look where that’s gotten us.  I am calling for strategic, and graphic sign placement throughout the eucalyptus forest detailing how and when to use prophylactics, as well as the signs and symptoms of koala clap.  Please refer to the list below entitled, “How to Know If Your Koala has the Clap.”

The next step is an obvious one, as well. Early treatment ensures that the disease doesn’t get out of hand, and that fewer koalas become infected.  The last thing you want to happen is to hear through the grapevine that the koala you hooked up with last weekend might have chlamydia.  A simple course of antibiotics will do the trick and have your koala back in the game in a couple of weeks.

The third and final step is follow up care.  Be a good mate and check in on your koalas from time to time to make sure they aren’t re-infected. A simple swab of their genitals is all you have to do.  As you pat them on the bum and shoo them back into the woods just give a simple reminder to, “Double bag it before you tag it, mate.”  Trust me, your chlamydia free koala will thank you.

How to Know if Your Koala has Chlamydia-
      1.  If your koala comes home and says, “I hit the turps last night, and subsequently behaved like a bit of a root rat. The next thing I knew I had cracked a fat with some sheila in the dunny, and ever since then I have felt a bit woggy.” then it is safe to suspect he may have contracted chlamydia.

2.     If, while doing your koala’s laundry you see something strange in his grundies, which leads you to believe he may be leaking from his old fella or his clacker, then the old bloke may have chlamydia.

3.     If your female koala is frequently in the nuddy and reproducing koala babies, while knowing good and well that they will be carried off by dingos, then she may be careless enough to have unprotected koala sex. It’s probably time to give it a burl and swab the ol’ gal.

4.     If your koala was wearing the wobbly boot while having the doovalacky, and plum forgot the franger, then take away his coldie and give him some antibiotics.

I hope this tutorial has helped broaden your understanding of how to prevent, recognize, and treat koala clap. Through public awareness, we can all help in the fight against koala chlamydia. Gdday.