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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

PSA from TSA

Everyone here at TSA would like to educate our consumers regarding new potential hazards of flying the friendly skies. A lot has changed since 9-11 and villains are no longer cut and dried in their appearance. The powers that be have discouraged us from out right racial profiling as we see fit, but the good news is we are now able to focus on other malicious individuals who may have gone unnoticed before. Please be on your guard while travelling, and notify a TSA employee if you see any of the following
  •           A child of any age
  •          A sleeping baby
  •          A former Miss USA winner
  •          An elderly person, especially if they are in a wheelchair with a dirty diaper
  •          Any woman dressed like a harlot who totally deserves a pat down for wearing something like that 

It is important for all of us to be extra vigilant when travelling. If you thought ahead, you will have your emergency airport kit containing a whistle, a candy bar (for diabetic terrorists), and three sets of handcuffs- infant size, adult size, and ginormous. If you see someone who might be wearing a diaper, go up to them and place your hand on their buttocks. If the diaper feels warm, then blow your personal emergency whistle and shout, “I know you have a dirty bomb.” Only a true terrorist will protest.

All of us here at TSA want to make your flying experience as safe and humiliating as possible. So remember, report any suspicious individual...unless they are morbidly obese. We don’t like patting them down, and chances are they will be thrown off the plane before it ever takes off. Now get out there and fly.