To Japan With Love

They invented sushi and the Toyota Camry, but we can now also credit Japan with making the first ever Internet kissing machine.  The interactive machine is said to work by moving your tongue around a plastic straw, which in turn makes someone else’s plastic straw wiggle around their tongue.

I know virgins and trekkies all over the world are high fiving each other over dissolving the need to ever come out of their parent’s basement again. But, is this really a good thing?  Me thinks not, Japan.

Just look at Max Weissbrodt, the German inventor of the blow-up doll.  Shortly after releasing his proto-type in 1955 he became a hermit, often refusing to leave his bedroom for weeks on end.  Eventually his wife left him and he went on to live out the rest of his days in obscurity with his eighteen cats.  You could most definitely expect a similar result with your kissing machine.  This scenario would not play out well for your country as a whole, not to mention the effect it would have on the entire world.  As much as I hate to say it, you guys are really good at making stuff, the kind of stuff American consumers want and need.  So do us all a favor and destroy any and all Internet kissing machines at once. 

PS: I especially love the Baby Mop. It really was time for babies to start earning their keep.

Luke-isms

I had just stepped out of the shower and was drying off when Luke wandered into the bathroom. After he stood there staring at me for several seconds I asked, "What's wrong?" He put one hand on his hip and answered, "Nuffin, but you need to put some shoes on."

Events and Appearances

October 17, 2011

Rock and Roll My Soul Event
For my fellow music lovers I have an exciting new event to announce. On September 17th, the Bunganut Pig will be hosting their 25th anniversary bash. Proceeds from the event, Rock and Roll My Soul, will go to  the Musicians Care Network, an organization that provides basic health care services for musicians without health insurance.
The event, emceed by yours truly, kicks off at 11am and will go until after midnight. This outdoor concert is open to the public, and you can expect a talented lineup of notable singer/songwriters, family friendly atmosphere, petting zoo, hula hoop contests, and really great food.
Can't wait to see you there!


May 21, 2011

(UPDATE: This event has been postponed due to unavoidable circumstances. I will let you know when it is rescheduled. Thank you for understanding, and I am SO sorry for the short notice.) 
Two things I never thought would happen- Osama bin Laden is dead, and I'm doing stand-up comedy.
After a little twisting of my arm, I have resolved to try my hand at live performance. Come out to Mama's Java coffee shop on May 21st to see me in stand-up comedic mode, or don't. I'm not pushy. Show starts at 6:30. Arrive early to get a seat, and don't bring the kids.


Comedy Night @ Mama's Java
Saturday May 21st at 6:30pm
7177 Nolensville Rd  
Nolensville, TN

November 13, 2010

Book Signing!

Nolensville Feedmill

2-5pm

7280 Nolensville Rd.

Nolensville, TN 37135

(click here to view the Feedmill website.)

November 20, 2010

Book Signing!

Eclipse Coffee and Books

2-4pm

1032 Main Street

Montevallo, AL 35115

Deep Thoughts

Suffice it to say, that if you're old enough to have heinous foot odor, then you are too old to be in the Chick-fil-a play area. Don't make me call you out on it.

Luke-isms

Easter was a wonderful day packed full of fun and family. It was also packed full of a few Luke-isms.

The first one occurred during church when we were praying. Luke saw me with my eyes closed and made a reasonable assumption when he shouted, "Mom, wake up!"

The rest of the day was filled with egg relays and egg hunting, and after a while, Luke grew weary. That's when bad Luke showed up. He's the one with the sassy tongue, you know. We quickly said our goodbyes and packed up the car to leave. We were about to pull away in the car when I turned around to say something to him. That's when I discovered that he had taken off his shoes and was licking between his toes. Gross. Seriously, gross.
I said, "Luke, your feet are dirty. Don't put them in your mouth!"
However, he wasn't having anything I was selling, and he quickly piped back, "Mom, I'm licking some toes wight now!"
That's when I remembered my Mom's voice telling me to pick my battles.  "That's fine," I said. "But you'll regret this one day when you read about it it in your baby book."

Vacation Recap and A Week's Worth of Luke-isms

Alas, I have returned from a relaxing week at the beach feeling rejuvenated and ready to tackle all life can throw at me. Ok, truth time. It was a great week, indeed. The weather was beautiful, and the accommodations were unimaginable, but the company could have been a little better.

As luck would have it, Luke (2.5 years old) was absent, and in his place was his alter ego, Damien. I did NOT let this spoil my perfect week, but it did make things a little challenging. His latest vice is back talking, and like his dear, sweet mother he doesn’t do anything halfway. There were no four-letter words spoken, but his favorite thing to say was, “Mom, hush up! You unda-stand me?” 

Brantley and I considered, and applied, all forms of discipline to include time outs, taking away toys, and my least favorite- spanking.  After about a full week of trial and error, he finally responded positively to, of all things, a stern talking. Who’d a thunk it? This wasn’t discovered, however, until everyone in Destin, FL had received a, “Hush up! Wight now. You unda-stand me,” including the waitress at Crab Trap. In Luke’s defense, she totally had it coming. After waiting fifteen minutes to show up at our table, we didn’t need to hear her talk about the daily specials.

As it would turn out, the advice my Mom gave us at the beginning of the week was right on. I hate when that happens. “He’s just trying to get your attention,” she said. “Preposterous,” I thought. “He ALWAYS has our attention.” If only my Mom and I had been talking about the same type of attention, then Brantley and I wouldn’t have sat on the beach and cried one day after deciding that Luke must have Tourette’s syndrome. “Why else could he NOT stop saying, "hush up?’” we thought.  

So after a week in the sun my brain was finally willing to accept the advice my Mom had oh, so quietly mentioned seven days earlier. Sometimes, the attention kids need is more than eye contact and a reprimand. I now know that a well-timed hug, kiss, and tickle fight can prevent a lot of unwanted behavior. So far, this is working for us. When Damien pops back up, and believe me he does, we address it and move on.

So to summarize, I learned on vacation how to be a better parent, that my Mom is always right (spoken under my breath), and that seagulls LOVE popcorn.

Brantley-isms from Margaritaville

I'm on vacation in Florida all this week so don't expect to hear from me again. Not because I think blogging is work, but rather because I'm having to sit in the parking lot of a place called Harry T's while I steal their wifi.
So far, the week has been super relaxing and tonight we attended a free concert at the Baytowne Wharf. While enjoying the music, I spotted what I thought to be an old girlfriend from nursing school. I nudged Brantley and asked him if he thought it was the same girl.
"I don't know what she looks like," he said.
"What do you mean, you don't know what she looks like? She came to our wedding."
"Lori, how am I supposed to remember anything about that day?"
"Good point," I said.
"I do kinda regret being that wasted at our wedding," he added.
"We all do, Sweetie. We all do."