How to Deal with Solicitors

You’re engrossed in work or just settling down for a long nap, a meal, or a nooner, when you hear the dreaded knock at the door. No one you remotely care for EVER drops in unannounced, so you stomp to the door and have an angry conversation with a little girl clad in knee socks and a sash full of flare. You don’t want what she’s selling, but reluctantly oblige after she starts to tear up. The whole transaction lasts less than three minutes, but the moment has passed and you’re concentration has been broken. “There has to be a better way,” you tell yourself. “Next time I’ll be ready.”

Flash forward one week. You’ve noticed the boys in white shirts and black pants have been cycling around the neighborhood to “share the good news.” I won’t mention this group by name, but they know who they are. They ignore the street signs stating, “No solicitors,” and the post-it note on your front door reading, “Sleeping baby. Please don’t ring bell.” Ding-dong! Rather than blast them for their errors in judgment, only to be told that they’re technically not soliciting since “Jesus is free,” you try a different approach. It’s time to turn the tables.

You open the front door to greet them and step outside. With a one finger, “I’ll be right with you” gesture, you finish up a pretend conversation on your cell phone.
“I know. I totally agree. Duct tape and rope in your trunk does not necessarily make you a rapist. When can you have visitors? (pause) Well, I’ll see you then. I gotta go. The cops are here.”

Give it a try. If your unwelcome company doesn’t go running, it will at least shave some precious moments off of the unavoidable awkward conversation that awaits you. And, most importantly, you can bet on them not coming back.

Loripalooza Personality Quiz

Since the presiding theme of my website is self actualization (right), let’s delve deep and take a closer look at ourselves. Shall we?

Of the following shows, which is your favorite?

the Office 1point
Jersey Shore (even though you can’t watch without the urge to wash your hands) 2 points
Dateline NBC 3 points

I will drive out of my way for ______.

Hot doughnuts 1 point
Mexican food 2 points
Sushi 3 points

What is your favorite quality about me?

My appreciation for practicing good personal hygiene 1 point
My ability to write a good thank you note 2 points
My passion for mentally retarded horses 3 points

If American Idol came out with their own beer, which would you prefer?

the Ruben Studdard- Dark and full bodied 1 point
the Clay Aiken- sweet and fruity 2 points
the Jordin Sparks, light and fresh 3 points

The hair necessity I could not live without is a ______.

Flowbee 1 point
Bump It 2 points
Afro Pick 3 points

It’s cold outside. You open the coat closet and reach for a ______.

Cardigan 1 point
North Face jacket 2 points
sweater vest 3 points


Results:

If you scored between 6 and 9 points:
Type 1- You are narcissistic and attention starved, resulting in at least one incident of indecent exposure to an animal. You’ve also been known to waste precious minutes on nonsensical personality tests.

If you scored between 10 and 14 points:
Type 2- You are an introvert with a phobia of public transportation since witnessing a type 1 person expose themselves to a duck on the city bus. You’ve had scabies more than once and you own at least one vampire erotica novel.

If you scored between 15 and 18 points:
Type 3- You are nocturnal and short tempered with an irrational fear of Sasquatch. Your hoarding tendencies have resulted in you frequently losing your car keys, as well as your eight cats.


(Please refrain from emailing me to tell me that this quiz is inaccurate, lest I be forced to point out your tendency toward denial.)

Deep Thoughts

I was in downtown Nashville today running errands when I passed a homeless man standing on an off ramp. He was selling copies of a homeless news publication called, the Contributor. I was perplexed. How could the homeless community have their own newspaper? The resources required to write, publish and print the paper alone would require, well, money. The answers to these questions probably lie within the paper itself, but alas, I refuse to spend a dollar on a paper that I don’t qualify to write for. It wouldn’t be a good investment. And so, this may remain one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time.

Tough Love

Pulitzer Prize winning photographer, Kim Komenich, used this bear hug move to thwart a bank robbery last week in San Jose, California. Coincidentally, this is the same move I used to subdue Brantley as he tried to flee our wedding. “Easy, tiger. Easy. Don’t make any sudden moves. We’re going to walk back over to that pulpit so you can make an honest woman out of me, and nobody’s gonna get hurt.” He eventually came to believe it was the right move and we lived happily ever after.

It should also be noted that this is the only time you’ll read something I’ve written containing the words, “Pulitzer Prize.” It’s ok. I’m not bitter.

(More) Mullet Watch 2010

"Business in front, party in the back."

I’m not usually one to jump on band wagons or beat the proverbial horse, but this was a little too easy to pass up. It seems that “Big” Ben Roethlisberger’s business to party ratio is a little off balance, but we already knew that didn’t we?

Mullet Watch 2010

It’s been quite some time since my last “Mullet Watch” entry and I had begun to lose faith in mankind. What changes had our country undergone to cause the eradication of such a marvelous species, I wondered. That all changed during my recent trip to Destin, FL.
I was meandering around Baytown Wharf, when lo and behold, I came across this majestic creature. This particular variety of the mullet, also known as the Moo-lay, or the Achy Breaky Big Mistakey, is normally indigenous to Mexico, but has recently been spotted all over the south. If you come across one during your day to day activities, don’t try to approach it on your own. They have been known to carry shotguns and spit tobacco. Just stand back and admire it in its own habitat.

Warm Reflections

There's a bird bath in my front yard. It was given to us by a relative after it was adorned with beautiful mosaic tiles. One summer it became covered in algae, and I couldn't seem to get rid of it by spraying it with the hose. I had the bright idea to fill the bird bath with bleach and let it sit for a while. That was about the same time we started finding dead birds all over the yard.

Texting with Caution and April Foolery

One week ago today, I received a text message from my little sister. It stated plainly, "I just left the doctor and I'm two months pregnant."

"What?" I thought. My little sister, Leigh, just graduated from college and is, in no way, ready to have a baby. I immediately began calling and texting her, but I got no response. About that time, our eldest sister called me. "Ummm, have you talked to Leigh lately?" she asked. As it turned out, she had gotten the same message too.

"I can't believe this!" I told her. "She didn't even call us to tell us about this. Are we that low on the totem pole that all we get is a crappy little text message. She didn't even use an exclamation mark OR put a sad face." My older and wiser sister interrupted, "Oh crap!" she said. "It's April fool's day."

A sly April fool's prank wouldn't be out of the ordinary coming from me, but from sweet little Leigh, it had taken us by surprise. Immediately our tone changed from that of concerned sisters to revenge plotting renegades. I knew she had some major payback coming, but it would require some thought and delicate planning.

Imagine my elation a few hours later, when I heard that in her attempt to send the false pregnancy announcement to me, and only me, her scheming little fingers had pushed, "send to all." With one wrong push of a button she had notified scores of people that she and her boyfriend were going to be parents. Aunt, co-workers, friends and, of course, my parents ALL received the message. Suffice it to say, she had some explaining to do and quite a few calls to return. I felt justified in the end. Her punishment had definitely fit her crime, and most importantly, I had the last laugh. In the future I'm sure she will text with caution lest she receive another quick return on her cell phone karma. Leave the pranks to me, little sis. I'm the professional. :)

How to Save a Marriage

Fifty percent of all marriages in the United States are doomed for failure every year. Are infidelity or financial problems to blame? Perhaps, however, there is one commonly overlooked problem that has been plaguing the sanctity of matrimony since the beginning of time. I’m talking, of course, about night time flatulence.

It never fails. One moment you’re sleeping blissfully, and the next thing you know, you’re awakened from a sweet dream with nostrils burning. You finish dry heaving, grab your pillow and head for the couch. You hate to admit it, but your spouse’s intestinal drama has officially driven a wedge into your marriage.

Well, ladies and gentleman, I have good news. Take the money you were wasting on a marriage counselor, or divorce attorney, and invest in the Better Marriage Blanket. This blanket, made with activated carbon, neutralizes gas odors quickly and easily. Don’t just take my word for it. Frank, from New York writes, “Hey, my farts don’t smell anymore.” Good for you, Frank! We’re all pulling for you. And Elena, from Arizona, says she hasn’t woken herself up since she started using it. I’m sure her eight cats are thrilled to be free of her dutch oven.

So, before you start wondering if you’re destined to be alone, try the Better Marriage Blanket and watch your one night stands turn into two and three night stands. Help is but a phone call away. Operators are probably standing by.