Blog Giveaway!!

I’m excited to announce the very first Loripalooza Blog giveaway! Up for grabs is an autographed copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters and I’ll even throw in five Loripalooza pens for good measure.

All you have to do is leave comments on blog posts for the next two weeks, or share links to Loripalooza on Facebook or Twitter. You get a chance to win for every comment made or link posted, AND you must be a blog follower to win. Only one comment per post will count, and if you post a link on FB or Twitter, tag me and let me know.

But that’s not all! If you forward the link to your favorite Loripalooza blog post to five or more of your friends, then you will be entered to win five times!! Just put “Get ready to laugh” as the subject title, and remember to “cc” me in the email.

The contest will end November 15, 2010, and remember you MUST be a blog follower to win.

Good luck!!

You Can't Hide Crazy

I actually thought on Wednesday morning, "I wish I had something to write about." Lo and behold, the Lord doth provide manna from Heaven, because shortly after that thought, I received a picture message of my mother behaving badly from one of her cohorts. Off her meds and without a helmet. That's how my mother was caught behaving at school this week. This probably clears up any lingering questions you had about me. Now you know, it's genetic.

Now, truth be told, it was camou day at school and she was trying to prove that her lack of camouflage in no way handicapped her ability to blend in with her surroundings. In a way, she was right. Whatever the reason for her garden party, you have to admit that she makes a pretty cute butterfly bush.

Now, please do not contact me to ask me if my mom is using the bathroom in the photo, because A) it is crude and B) I was already told that, no she is not. I also don't want to know that I incorrectly diagnosed the foliage in which she is housed. I'm a lot of things, but a master gardener isn't one of them.

A Moment in Pop Culture

• Celine Dion and her dad recently gave birth to twins. Gross. It’s amazing how someone so malnourished is able to procreate. I hope those babies are receiving formula because the only thing coming out of those expired fun bags is one hundred year old dust. Go eat some cornbread and get out of my face.
  


• The Talk debuted this week on CBS as the cast members tried desperately to come across as something different from ABC’s the View, while being relevant at the same time. They failed.
  
• There’s never an excuse to watch Nancy Grace, but believe me when I say that there was NOTHING on TV last night. I was reminded, yet again, that Nancy Grace has the dumbest callers of all time. Why someone with a helmet resembling Lord Vader and the face of a chupacabra has their own cable TV show is beyond me. Maybe it’s the way she gives long pauses between words, giving listeners the impression that she is saying something important. This. Is. Cancer. On. The. Breast. Of. Television.
  


• Breaking news: Taylor Swift has written a song about a former celebrity love interest. Wow. No one could’ve seen that coming. Hey Taylor, you’re twenty years old. Stop expecting to marry every single person you date.

November Events and Appearances

I'm excited to announce that I have two upcoming book signings in November where I will be signing copies of "Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters". The time allotted will also serve as a social meet & greet. I look forward to getting re-acquainted with people I haven't seen in a while and meeting others for the first time. Help me spread the word. I hope to see you there!!

November 13, 2010
Nolensville Feedmill
2-5pm
7280 Nolensville Rd.
Nolensville, TN 37135
(click here to view the Feedmill website.)

Since the Feedmill does not sell books (but they DO sell delicious food!) I will have a few copies on hand to sell for those who want to buy one.

November 20, 2010
Eclipse Coffee and Books
2-4pm
1032 Main Street
Montevallo, AL 35115
(click here to view Eclipse Coffee and Books website)

Bad Dreams

"You'll never get those sunglasses off." My niece, Ciara plainly stated.

"Yes, I will!" I tugged and tugged but they were stuck to my face with what seemed like industrial strength cement.

"Didn't you read the tag that came with them?" she asked. "It said guaranteed NOT to come off."

"I don't care what it said. I'm tired of wearing them," I shouted back.

I awoke from the dream with a start. The strange thing was, my arms actually felt tired. It was as if I had really struggled while I was dreaming. That's when I looked down and saw the nose splint that had previously been affixed to my freshly fractured and post-operative nose. It was resting in my hands, and my hands in my lap.

I jumped out of bed after realizing what I had done. "I ripped it off! I ripped it off!" I shouted. Brantley finally rolled over and removed his ear plugs. "Why did you do that?" he asked.

"I was dreaming, Brantley. I thought I was wearing sunglasses and I ripped it off like the freaking Incredible Hulk!"

He rolled BACK over. "You have the weirdest dreams."

All of this excitement occurred before 6:45 this morning. So now, we wait for my 9:30 appointment with the surgeon. Happy Wednesday.

Just Breathe

The Loripalooza well has been running a bit dry the last couple of weeks, and for that I apologize. I have had some personal business to attend to, including my septoplasty surgery one week ago. The surgery itself went well, but wound up being more extensive than the surgeon had first anticipated.

The doctor took cartilage from both of my ears to repair a section of my nose that had collapsed. He also corrected the septum, and removed a bone spur. But, the piez de resistance would be the intentional fracturing of three bones in my face. Part of me is now questioning why I paid money for this??

Luke and my Mom met us at the door when we arrived home from the hospital. As I should've expected, Luke summed up my appearance in three words. "Oh no! Spooky!" He cried as he buried his face in my mom's shirt. I wasted no time getting to bed where I remained for several days, arising only occasionally to socialize with my family. It was during one of these encounters than Luke demanded, "Takey off your mask, Mommy!"

"I wish I could, buddy, but I have some boo boos under there." I told him.

Luke is growing accustomed to my ghoulish appearance as quickly as the bruising and swelling fade away. I am now in 'hurry up and wait' mode as I eagerly anticipate the removal of the splints. I can't wait to try out my new sniffer, but it probably won't be for another week or so. Until then, I will just try to breath and enjoy the fact that my sh@! really doesn't stink.

Love, Rocky Dennis

Luke-isms (and a lesson in personal intolerance)

Luke and I were in the check out line at Kohl's earlier this week. He was almost tapped out on good behavior, and like a good mom, I had wrapped up my shopping just in time. He sat in the cart playing with his trains, Thomas and Percy. Suddenly and without warning, he threw them on the floor and shouted.

The lady in front of us turned around with an astonished look. "What did he just say?" she asked.

"Oh, he just said, "No, Percy and Thomas!" I explained. I was concerned that she may have misinterpreted the way he pronounces "Percy" for another word beginning with the letter P.

The lady laughed. "I could've sworn he just said, "No personal intolerance."

"Umm, probably not," I replied. Luke piped up again. "What did he say then?" the stranger inquired. I could tell that this was becoming a fun game to her.

He said, "Excuse me. I just did booty hiccups."

Her only response was, "Oh." Our conversation pretty much ended after that. She went her way, and we went ours, but I would like to think that we had left a lasting impression on her. Hopefully, she is somewhere living her life in a way that is tolerant of other people's booty hiccups.

Happy Whorelloween

I ventured out today in search of a Halloween costume. I went to Target, Wal-Mart and Halloween Express, and the choices were plentiful, assuming my goal was to contract genital herpes.

Tell me why. Why on earth do all of the ladies costumes have to be so seductive looking? I could’ve chosen between sexy pirate, sexy doctor, sexy nurse, sexy vampire, sexy zombie, sexy slut, or harlot. There was even a sexy candy corn costume…riddle me that.

Are all costume designers horny men? Do they want me to resort, yet again, to an extra large boys’ costume? Don’t make me be a Power Ranger again this year.

A Visit to the Pumpkin Patch

This weekend we enjoyed a visit to the Pumpkin Patch, a harvest time must in our family. Our trip there turned out to be entertaining AND educational.

Alvin, Simon and Theodore are synonamous with fall, right?

Brantley and Luke enjoyed the hayride. It was fun, but at three dollars apiece, I expected more hay...




If there is a band playing within a ten mile radius, Luke will find it and immediately bust a move, as you see here. He's a sucker for a banjo.

Ah! What have we here? Some turkeys. Oh, how sweet. Wait, why is the Daddy turkey following the Mommy turkey so closely, like he has something to prove? At this moment I realized that our innocent family trip was about to get a lot hotter, not unlike my nipple slip at the library last year.

Well that's not how we do things in our household, but to each his own, I guess.

I am going to let this be the last picture I show you of the turkey encounter, but suffice it to say that things really heated up. And, while I should've scooted us along instead of continuing to take pictures like some wildlife paparazzi, I couldn't bring myself to look away. Meanwhile, Luke asked, "What's they doonin'?"

What could I say? "Well son, they are making sweet turkey love much like your Dad and I did before you were born."

Brantley interrupted, "No son, the Daddy is standing on top of the Mommy because she runs her mouth too much."
Luke responded with, "Wet's pay choo-choo twain."